My daughter's secret marriage

My husband of 39 years died suddenly, it was totally unexpected involving me doing CPR until the paramedics arrived. Three months later I was told I was in heart failure. Then, following pleas from my family, I was in the middle of moving back to the city some 9 months after he died when my daughter came back from a a couple of days away with her partner to announce they’d just got married. This happened over Easter last year. I found myself playing peacemaker towards my husband’s family who were terribly upset and angry that she’d done this. I was devastated and a year on am finding myself still feeling hurt and bewildered about it all. At the time I was only a few days away from moving back to the city to be nearer family and medical help. I told myself to get on with life and let the hurt and anger go. I see my daughter and her husband often and things are normal, at least on the surface. Since then I’ve had an operation and am in recovery and physically doing ok. I think what really upsets me is that apparently they’d been planning the secret wedding sometime before my husband died - I know how happy he would have been if they’d said they were getting married. Neither of us would have minded if they’d told they wanted no fuss etc. When our son got married he and his wife to be made all the decisions and we went along with everything thing they chose. I find myself grieving that he missed out and wondering about what my daughter feels about me, that she could do this at a time less than a year after he died, when I was so ill and in the process of moving which was something necessary but very painful to have to do. I’m still upset and angry that my husband died not knowing that they were going to marry, but don’t know how to let it go and move on. I’m about to have a second knee replacement but find myself wondering why I should put myself through that. When I’m on my own I find it hard to motivate myself to do anything. Everyone else in my family seems to be moving on but I’m still struggling with the loss of my wonderful husband, this second year seems even harder than the first. I get the feeling that my family want me to have ‘got over my husband’s death’ and that they don’t want me to be sad anymore. I don’t feel able to say what I really feel anymore, I’ve kept the peace but not for me. Has something like this happened to anyone else?

Hi @JanieM
Sorry for the sad loss of your husband :pensive:. To be honest, I don’t think anyone can just “get over” the loss of a loved one, & especially not someone they were so close to, there are no doubt a lot of big changes & empty spaces. The way he passed must of been very traumatic for you, my heart goes out to you.
I don’t feel I can comment on your daughter’s choice to marry secretly, I just don’t feel it’s my place to, I don’t know you or her, she may of had her reasons, but only she can tell you what they were, but I can hear the hurt this has caused you.
In grief, your entitled to your feelings, there’s no time limit on grief, we carry our loved ones in our hearts forever, so when we feel a piece of us is missing, we carry that heartbreak to. I feel it’s important to talk about how you feel, no-one should ever have to hide behind the “I’m ok” not ok mask :performing_arts:, it can be a very lonely place to be when we feel we have to hide how we feel. Even if you don’t want to talk to family, you can always talk on this forum, I have always found people very supportive, & understand loss, in that way we’re all here for the same reason. Sending hugs of support

Hello, it seems to be a bit if a thing now that people are keeping weddings private, just for themselves, no fuss, no problems, just the two people making a commitment, selfish yes but meaning to be hurtful I’m sure not, all you can do is put it behind you & not let it upset you, easier said then done, but what’s the alternative?

Thanks for replying so quickly, both of you. It’s a bit of a comfort to know that other couples do this. It was a relief to tell people here what happened, I was feeling there was something wrong with me. Having to rely on others when I’ve not been well has shaken my self confidence and is another reason I don’t feel able to talk about how much I still miss my husband. When I’ve been struggling to do simple things like the washing it makes realise in so many ways what a team we were. Like everyone here, I miss the hugs, the little jokes we shared each day and when faced with difficult situations the loss feels so intense. Anyway, thank you for being there for me - it does help. Blessings to you both x

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Well I am so sorry for the loss of your husband It’s so painful and exhausting to be a widow Do believe me I know.
I think you seem to be overthinking things a bit It would be less painful for you to accept the way in which your daughter married Do concentrate on your own situation You have lost your husband that is devastating for anyone

Thanks for that advice, it’s really helpful. Yes, the overwhelming thing is losing my husband and I imagine it will always be so. It is good to hear from others in similar journeys of grief. It’s been nearly two years now, in many ways this second year has been harder. My birthday was only a few days after my husband died and now I dread it because I feel I’m moving away from him. We were the same age, less than a month apart, and I don’t want to be growing older. It’s daft really, because I know he’d be wanting me to get on with life and I do try. But like everyone else, there are times when it still feels so raw.

Thank you again for the kind and helpful words. Hugs to you all, Janie

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