My ex boyfriend Josh (not his real name) took his own life on the 3rd of september. i found out two weeks later while stalking his mums facebook page. i messaged his friend asking for more details but she wouldnt tell me anything. we didnt end very well, i feel guilty for things that i said during the break up and i cant help but feel that i caused this. i miss him. i still love him. he broke up with me but i was still so in love with him when he did. i knew that he was struggling but i didnt know it was this bad. he ghosted me a couple weeks after we broke up and that broke me. now ive lost him twice and i cant get rid of this empty feeling. life just feels grey and lifeless. i see him everywhere i go. i see random people in the street and wish that i could trade their life for his. i miss him, id do anything to get him back but nothing will work. i dont know how to do this. please any tips on dealing with this, ive never experienced death before
Goodness, that’s really hard. All I can say is in my experience he might well have been trying to do the best thing for you. What I mean is that if he already had thoughts of ending his life, but that it wasn’t about you, then maybe he thought the best he could do would be to get out of your life, so you didn’t feel you were responsible.
Why I feel like this is because my partner, who recently died, had a boyfriend who took an overdose and so took his own life. I think she felt guilty and at least partly to blame. I still feel angry about a man I never met, who blighted my partner’s life
thats so tough im so sorry, i dont believe that he did it for me because he ghosted me, like we had no contact whatsoever. he messaged me a couple weeks after ghosting me basically saying id been awful since the breakup but then blocked me straight away after. i feel like if he did it for me he would have left some way for me to find out. i dont know. its just such a strange feeling. im absolutely fine then i see something like an m&s bag (he worked there) and i break down crying. i just wish i could have been there for him. he used to lay in my lap and cry while i comforted him. i would have done that for hours if it could have saved him
You will, I think find certain things triggers and I completely understand how you react to seeing an M & S bag. In the flat we had there are a huge amount of things which reminds me of her and make me think of when we got something , how this or that happened, etc. I am giving a lot to charity, as I find the constant reminders overwhelming.
I wonder with your ex- if his suicide was totally “irrational”, I mean nothing to do with his life. Some people who take their own lives just feel the world would be far better without them, in spite of what their loved ones think. I write partly from experience, as I used to be a psychiatric nurse. Sometimes it’s a cry for help which goes wrong.
It seems to me you had a very loving relationship for him to lay his head in your lap - on his side that means I think he had great trust In you.
I beg you not to feel you bear any responsibility for his death. Suicide is solely the choice of the person taking their life. Often those who attempt suicide and survive bitterly regret it.
Have you tried journaling? I started a diary around the time of my partner’s death and I think it has helped me, to get my feelings out. I don’t know how you are living, of course, but I have found talking to my partner and writing a few letters has helped.
Also looking into the idea of survival. I have watched quite a few YouTube videos on near death experiences, which I have found both interesting and comforting.
i know that he had a lot of issues with his life, he started work at 3am and finished at half 12. if meant he had very little social life. im not sure exactly what happened, ive tried asking for details but i dont want to bother his family so ive just been asking his friends.
ive been journaling for a few years, ive struggled with my mental health and had a couple attempts myself. i think thats why it hurts. i know how it feels in that moment when you want to end your life and to imagine him feeling that way breaks my heart.
ive been writing letters to him and imagining him looking over me and that helps.
my current partner hasnt been very helpful and im not really sure who’s in the right. last night he spent an hour shouting at me saying that its unfair for me to talk about my ex. i get it but its not like theres any competition for him. i dont know what to do, i just wish i could have a restart with everythjng. restart my life without anyone in it
Yes, I don’t think the hours would help. I work in care and the hours are all over the place and that puts a strain on any relationship.
Would it really help you to find out why he ended his life? You sound a very compassionate person and might feel you should have done more, which wouldn’t be fair on you.
I am sorry you have tried to, a terrible cliche, but you never know what’s round the corner. Life is always full of ups and downs, but you get many good little things from it. I love nature, as my partner did, and I often get pleasure just by seeing animals in the wild.
Glad to hear you’re keeping a journal and writing. I think it does help. I am sorry your present partner is getting angry over your ex-. I think we all need to grieve when we lose someone, especially when it’s complicated. At the same time, your new partner probably feels you spend too much time thinking of your ex-, so he feels left out.
I was just angry about my partner’s ex-. He not only committed suicide, but when they were on holiday and her children saw him. Perhaps it’s expecting too much, but if I had been in his place I would have gone well away from them to do it.
thats awful, i feel like doing it somewhere to be found by someone who deeply cares for you could easily be avoided.
i just have so many questions and i jnow there will be no answers to them. like how, what time, what happened in his last moments. all of these things that ill never know. im looking into greif counselling at the moment because i dont feel myself getting better. i know the pain doesnt fade, life just grows around it but im struggling to start that process.
the nature thing sounds so healing, i read somewhere that you shouldnt ignore the signs. if you see something that reminds you of them dont say its a coincidence, embrace it. remember them in those moments. like today i saw a tree that was shaped like his head, as silly as that sounds, it felt like he was there with me and it healed something inside me. working in care sounds stressful especially with the hours, you seem like such a beautiful soul and im so sorry for the things that have caused your life to be difficult
,@hollie22 Please remember what I said to you about “irrational” suicides. Sometimes there is absolutely no reason why they do it, their mood just becomes unbearably low and that is the only reason why they take their lives. Also, again as I think I said, there are cries for help that go wrong.
I think you’re right, grief counselling may well help. I am not so sure about pain never fading. My mum died when I was pretty young and I eventually didn’t think of her so much. This has brought it back, as there were some things in common with both the deaths of my mum and my partner.
Coincidences are an interesting one! I agree with you, some things are difficult to accept as pure coincidences. Some of the weirdest that have happened to me is seeing a woman in a favourite nightdress my partner used to wear by a bus stop (she almost certainly had a learning disability) with a butterfly flying round her - my partner loved butterflies; the other was a piece of ginger root which had a shoot that grew into an undeniable " B", the first letter of her name.
At the same time, I think we are looking for the loved one who has died, crazy though that might seem. I think it’s a natural part of grief. I remember when my mum died I was certain I saw her in a crowd and then couldn’t see her.
Still I think some “coincidences” are significant, like the two above.
That’s the “B” , to me I think it’s really difficult to understand. The links are fused together, it’s grown like it. I have done nothing to trick you or anyone else, no glue or blue tack …
That’s very kind of you to say I am a beautiful soul, but I think I am quite flawed! Often the hard part of care work is the staff!!
But, you too, to be bothered about your ex-, many people wouldn’t. Please don’t let it consume you. I think he would want you to have a happy life. I think I mentioned being interested in NDEs. I have never heard of someone who attempted suicide and was brought back who didn’t bitterly regret what they had done.