I lost my dad recently to cancer.
He beat it initially but it came back with a vicious attack on him…
We wasnt allowed to see him in his last days/hours because of this what i determine stupid virus and he passed away in his sleep.
It wasnt like we knew he was going to die but happened so quick.
Guess least you can prepare for his passing away
He’s gone I was there
sending condolences so so
Sorry xxx
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Really sorry
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I am in shock still doesn’t feel real even tho I seen it!
I’m so so sorry for your loss it’s utterly heartbreaking look after yourself and your loved ones in my thoughts hun x
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2 months on and it still doesn’t feel real and I was there for my dads too. I’m so sorry for your loss, take care. X
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It’s nearly 3 months that I lost my beautiful mum, I was there with her too when she passed and everyday I feel like it’s been a terrible dream xxx
Xmallen88x, I’m sorry you lost your Dad. Take care.
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I am so sorry. I’m glad you were with him. I have been reading your daily updates. Take care. Sending love and hugs. xx
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Do keep posting on these forums. When grieving I think it helps to share.
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Still not sinking in tidy I have shed tears although I thought I would breakdown and cry uncontrollably but I haven’t sat down with my auntie on phone to funeral directors now I also visited mountain again to place he wanted his ashes scattered too and had a little cry
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Xmallen88x,
The best advice I can give you is take it hour by hour during the roughest days. Don’t forget to eat, as grieving can make you feel very physically run down. Also, I found going to bed an hour earlier helped me get a bit more rest.
You might be feeling quite shocked and it could take quite a while before it sinks in. Take care.
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Can anyone honestly say they didn’t feel tremendous guilt after a loved one has passed? The feeling that you could have done and more and never did 
Just been catching up with your posts and want to say how sorry I am for your loss. Remember that we are all still here at this time and many of us here are in the same situation as you just having gone through a loss. So even though every grief is individual and lonely in its own way, there are people here who understand who have gone through everything the same as you. Remember that you will always be able to hold onto the good moments you had with your dad in the hospital despite the circumstances you will always be able to treasure these times.
I know you said before that you would have difficulty with the funeral because of your illness but please get involved as much as you are able I am sure your aunt will continue to support you in the same way you told us she was there for you before. We all need someone to be there for us at this time and we need to be there for others in the same way. It makes it a little easier. You can do this you have been through so much but you are stronger than you know. Grief will come in waves, sometimes if you are lucky you will find something to smile about even in your darkest moments sharing a memory or two with others who cared. Take care thinking of you at this time.
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I have been really involved in the decisions of the funeral process with my auntie. Thankfully the next of kin auntie handed keys over to the one it should have been all along! She cleared the flat for me as I couldn’t face that. The meeting at the funeral directors went well she managed to make it humorous for me as she did belive it or not at the time of him dying which I never thought I would be able to say it was under what I feel was unique circumstances. I came up with the idea to place his artwork around the coffin as he didn’t want flowers I thought he would like that as he was amazing at art! Think he would love them being displayed in time I also want to hold an exhibition with all proceeds going to the RSPB as he wanted any funeral donations to go to that as well which is fitting as he loves animals! Especially birds So I picked and bought a Bird throw which was my aunties idea and a Liverpool one to drape Over his coffin, My auntie and me both liked and picked The same card for the information to go in which represented nature and had rays of sunshine coming through which was similar to the cover picture we were describing to him while he was dying with birds on in the background. I picked his photo for the card and me and him are on the back of it on another photo. He had already picked 2 songs however a third was needed and my auntie suggested I sing at last. It was so fitting as it came on On an advert in the hospital and I asked him could he hear it and he told me it was his favourite Song that I sing and felt I did it better than the origional (he would have said that he is my father lol) by chance my mother knew someone available as soon as I left the funeral home so I was able to get it professionally recorded straight away like it was meant to be! I Will then have a letter I wrote to him in the hospital read out plus I agreed to have his ring finger stamped as a keep sake which I thought was a nice idea never knew they did that! It can be copied and transferred to jewellery etc and I also paid extra for a webcast so if I wish I can watch it live as I don’t want to go and it will also be available for 7 extra days afterward on their system which I hope can somehow be recorded as I’m not even sure I want to watch it as I don’t want to face saying goodbye :,( We have a meeting together Friday to discuss what we want said at his service etc so I have been very much involved now the right auntie is helping me I was in shock for days which confused me as I was there when it happened and still wouldn’t register!
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Sorry if I am repeating myself at times but I’m siimply copying and pasting from a support group rather than Re typing the whole thing out again
So my auntie has been helping me with the funeral arrangements, we wasn’t speaking for years before this and the other two aunties even at a time like this have decided to be awkward and not speak to me (if it wasn’t for the auntie I’m speaking to now the other two never would have even told me my own father was in hospital!) he was in five days before the other auntie told me. Anyway the family is divided the auntie i am speaking to isn’t getting ok with the other two but has to be civil for their mothers sake who has dementia and they share care. Well I wanted a family pic of them all up on the coffin, she is resisting and telling me no I need to try and keep the peace and keep the whole family happy her arguement is there is a pic of them in the order of service booklet but my point is there is one of me and my dad and him and his mother yet there will be none of his siblings up there? Then she said pictures isn’t usual anyway I reminded her it was her idea she thinks I have gone overboard by having two on the coffin as it will begin to look like an organ mantle piece display. I even said I would take my gift away that I gave him that was being placed inbetween the pictures to place all the sisters with their mother and my father which was their latest picture, she then said he was ill in that one and didn’t look his best! She said all the family is there so there’s no need I said in that case we might as well not put any pictures at all then! I said also let’s forget the ones on the coffin and just the main one of him as people enter if she feels it isn’t normal for pictures (despite this being her idea) she kept telling me to put it back in the booklet then as I rearranged some pics of that’s what I wanted I kept repeating I didn’t want it in there I wanted it on the coffin! She told me I am over complicating things now! She feels this only because I have seen the picture printed and I said no I feel it’s out of respect due to the ones being placed on there isn’t it right his siblings should be up there too. Aw well looks like what I want is out the window! She is so controlling! She has made this about her I feel as she doesn’t like her in the pic and also because of the rift between the family! Bearing in mind I was prepared to do this to keep things fair for my fathers sake as he wanted to try and bring everyone together before he died and even after the one auntie having the cheek to ask the one helping me whether my letter I am having read out in the service that I wrote to him while in hospital would be slagging her off in any way or anyone else in the family! This family infuriates me! I am grateful for the support from the one but even that comes with its challenges. She even stopped me from putting a quote in that the family deemed disrespectful despite the funeral director saying it was fine! He isn’t religious and his joke always was … I am an atheist, thank god. I asked the director as it’s in a chapel is it appropriate she said yes I know others will share my aunties view hence me yet again putting what I wanted to the side. Even tho she means well she is also trying to convince me my half brother who never bothered with my father should not get any money I may get despite me feeling differently about this. I just feel so stressed and down I got away from all this attitude drama and behaviour years and years ago and here we go again 
I asked not to be told about the little snide comments made they can’t resist then get their backs up when I react to it as if I have no right! Everything’s always my fkin fault and I feel I can’t do or say anything without checking it’s ok by the matriarch auntie which is really starting to piss me the fuk off! Even when I tried to enquire about funeral arrangements before he passed as I had never done this before and it was dropped on me last min as one of the aunties was meant to be sorting everything out and she told me to have some respect as he isn’t dead yet! Wtf I was just asking advice! She even decided which director we were using! She is overpowering and not respecting what I want (it’s not a selfish idea to try to include everyone in pictures) but I think it’s selfish for someone to withhold that opportunity. Sorry for the rant had to get it out!
She also told me I’m sad TWICE for not going to his funeral which has been known from day one! Me and my own father had the discussion about in the hospital and he was on with it! Yet my auntie and getting daughter my cousin have repeatedly questioned it and tried pressuring me my cousin specifying that it would piss my other auntie off as if I even care about that at a time like this!!! And then after she told me I’m sad she ended it with well I suppose and you and your father have spoke about it so why is she keeping on and on about it! If my own father can respect my wish why can’t they! As the others keeps asking and stating I won’t get closure that’s my business! I am fighting reality don’t want to accept he’s gone and therefore don’t want to say goodbye and with my emotional disregulation condition would be wayyyyyy to upsetting and overwhelming to even comprehend and I don’t like getting upset in front of people so would be an inner turmoil and battle with my emotions on top of the heartache etc I am just fed up of having to fkin justify and defend myself all the time and nobody listening to me or respecting what I want but I have to listen to everyone else and keep them happy!
Just to explain about the half brother
I have been trying to get hold of him and he has ignored me my father was never allowed to see him we didn’t grow up together I reached out when he was 18 his mother was very abusive I can’t understand with a mother like why my father was cut out she is evil and sadly no relationship materialised I did however fulfill his wish by accident and got him to pull over in his car as we passed a pub where he was on the door working and I called him over it was spontaneous I said this is your father and they shook hands he was chuffed! We briefly spoke the following few years when I told him he was in hospital he read and ignored it when I told him he died he didn’t open it when I asked could we speak as important it suddenly never delivered 
i wrote you this really long post in reply and lost it. But I just wanted to say how glad I am that you got so involved in the funeral planning and I am so glad that you have the support of your auntie. I think that your idea of the artwork instead of flowers is just beautiful and lovely and fitting remembrance of your dad. The throws are a lovely touch too. I also never knew about the fingerprint jewellery which is a lovely momento that you can hold onto and carry with you so that you feel a piece of your dad is still with you. What a lovely idea. The shock is a natural thing. I still wake up thinking I must phone my mum and I remember all over again that I no longer can. Things like that will just hit you out the blue. But choosing how you remember makes things easier as time goes on. You are so lucky that you are a good singer and this is wonderful and brave way to honour your dad,. Well done he will be proud. Again so glad you have your aunties support. A nice idea would be to wait a little bit and then give her a thank you card and flowers. She will tell you needn’t have done it but she will cherish the fact that you appreciate her. Thinking of you. Take care
Funerals are difficult. It is a very unusual thing to put photos on the coffin itself. And it is so easy when everyone is grieving to get tied up in the details . There is nothing wrong however with putting photos up on a big screen. I went to my cousins funeral which was in a church and they had a large TV screen playing photos of the family as the Minister talked about my cousin and it was lovely. Some people put the photos up in the entrance to the church or in the waiting area. It isn’t selfish to include everyone in the pictures it is a very nice considerate idea but it is very unusual to put them on the coffin if photos are put on the coffin it is usually of the person who has died. Other photos are usually put in the order of service or placed away from the coffin but in a place everyone can view them, sometimes they are displayed prominently around a room at a wake. My mum did this when she had a charity memorial night. On what would have been her 40th wedding anniversary, my dad died the year before this took place so she turned it into a charity night and memorial. It was a lovely night she held a raffle for colon cancer research. And everyone who came cherished looking at the photos they where a great talking point. I wanted a guest book and one photo of my displayed at my dads funeral and I was overridden. I also wanted to talk at it. But I was overridden. I had a cousin of my dad come in and take over and my mum let him. But it was what my mum wanted and in the end it turned out quite well. My mothers funeral was different My brother and nephew took over and told lies and it was so difficult I loved my mum and looked after her while she was ill but never got a choice in her funeral arrangements. I had to beg the funeral director to find out what she was wearing despite the fact it should have been my choice. I only got an order of service because a lady at work kept one for me (my mum and I worked at the same place) they handed some in there for the staff but didn’t give me one. I never got to go but it ended up not being about my mum but about them. Funerals and families can be very difficult and everyone has there own ideas. Sometimes you can’t see the woods for the trees because of your grief. Please go to your dads funeral if you can even if you just stand by the door because you might wish you had. However it is your choice and not anyone elses I can also understand not going I couldn’t go to mine and people where telling me oh you have to go. But I kept saying its not my mums funeral its the blah and blah show. I just couldn’t face the lies without saying something which is what they wanted was for me to have an outburst against them in the middle of the funeral… Your aunt is only trying to get you to go because she is worried that you might wish you had later. I wish I could have gone to my mums but My brother and nephew made that too difficult. I so wanted to be the one to arrange my mums funeral I wouldn’t have cut them out, they just kept playing games and trying to get one over on me and they are still doing it. because now they have my mums ashes and tried to steal my dads as my uncle had been looking after them and they stole stuff that belonged to my dad out of his house that was mine. They went there with a guy who had a weapon he had to get the police involved and they then started threatening me. So you see families can be a total nightmare its not just yours. It is hard but sometimes you have to fight to get some stuff you want and sometimes you have to step back and let others have part of the day too. It is a very emotional and fraught time. I can see some of your aunties point of view that is helping you but yes even that can be a bit overwhelming sometimes. As for the others their point of view about how this one or that one might think doesn’t matter so much. Take care thinking of you.