The half brother is a hard thing. But you did your best to get in touch as best you could and your dad will always have that moment. The thing is your half brother has obviously been through a lot in his life and this will have affected him greatly. As you don’t really know him that well you don’t really know his reasoning and what he is really like as a person and who he takes after. The thing is you tried your best. As for whether he is entitled to part of your fathers assets that all depends on your fathers will and your fathers executors will deal with that. You don’t have to unless you are your fathers executor. However either way it is not something you have to deal with anytime soon. you have so much to deal with just now anyway. Thinking of you take care.
I Am so sorry to hear of you story it is heart breaking 
I have just woke up so forgive me for short reply but I didn’t want to potentially forget after reading and getting up etc I don’t understand how people can be so cruel :,( you sound to me like such a lovely person! You deserve better but sadly we cannot choose our family! I decided not to put the photo up to keep the peace I did want the pictures on a screen but my auntie didn’t feel it was worth the extra £45/£55 and there is a live webcast link that I can watch (however I am not wanting to say goodbye I am worried I will find it too painful) it will be recorded so I have it forever! So I will see it and have it. And hopefully one day will bring myself to watch it I am not sure tho I am going to see him in chapel of rest at 3:30 in a closed coffin hoping this will register this time as it all still feels surreal! I too like you would end up saying something to my evil family members so I am better steering clear cause of them also and I am hoping I can push myself to scatter the ashes as he wanted and again hoping it will register and be my goodbye as then he really isn’t here anymore as he been cremated I notice I am trying to avoid reality of what has and going to happen
Thinking of you. You can have a wee private ceremony when you choose to scatter the ashes. It can just be you and your aunt if you want and you can ask the minister to come to if he can and say a few words. Many will if they have the time. You will of course have to give a wee donation. But if this is the type of ceremony you feel more comfortable with then that is what you should do. I know one of my cousins had to be medicated so she could go to her sons funeral, he died suddenly when he was in his early 20’s. I don’t know what she would have done if it hadn’t been for her other son and her sisters and brothers. They are a lovely part of my family but they live far away.
So I went to the chapel of rest yesterday and seen him in a closed coffin. My monthly started two days ago which has helped bring my emotions out and I really cried as soon as I entered think I needed that as part of the grieving process I felt this urge to see him and kept questioning if I should or not I was testing the weight of the lid and was too scared to look I then thought maybe start with his feet and he was wrapped in the blue blanket my other auntie requested and I closed the lid quickly after just seeing that, my other auntie had an open coffin visit today and said he is looking really peaceful I did say I wasn’t going to go back down today as I don’t want to normalise seeing him there like in hospital and risk not registering what I saw again. Anyway big news I am meeting my half brother today to talk to him about dividing everything and I am really hoping I can get him to understand he really did want to know him as his mother has poisoned him and is quite malicious. I am nervous and hope I do my father proud I can’t live with myself without my brother knowing the truth as it’s a tragedy that he was poisoned by his mother and robbed him and my father of any relationship :,(
I will be thinking of you when you see your half brother. You don’t have to go into details about dividing stuff up its the executors job and also I hope that isn’t the only reason that your half brother is meeting you. I really hope that the reason he is meeting you is because he wants to know a bit about your dad and you and maybe that he too is looking for some family. I am hoping for the best for you but I also advise you too to be careful you are very vunerable just now. It is better to leave the actual dividing up till after the rawness has passed, discuss things by all means but I am worried for you. You were very brave doing that with going to see your dad in his coffin I know I couldn’t do that I just didn’t want to remember him like that nor my mum. I wanted to be a part of the funeral. I don’t know what will even happen with my mums ashes or if they have already done something out of spite and not told me. Anyway back to you know that I am thinking of you. Keep coming on her and let us know how you get on. You are in my prayers.
It wasn’t an open a coffin was a closed one I will go back down today to say my personal goodbye before he leaves for the fu real as I’m not going. I had met my brother before and I randomly passed in a car with my father and pulled over when I seen him and managed to get them to briefly meet and speak and shake hands we briefly spoke on phone afterwards and nothing ever materialised. He lied when we met but I let it go as he is probably confused and feeling guilty, he told me he never saw the message that my father was In hospital but it showed as read! I just moved on from that! I cried when we met as I said I just wish dad had an opportunity to do this and I said I feel I have a duty to him to finally tell you the truth that you was wanted and cared for and thought of etc it went well. Anyway I am so angry today and last night! I specified I wanted the two neighbours at my fathers funeral as they even asked as well! They gave him a social life for the last year of his life and the one saved his life initially as my father contacted him to say he fell after he previously helped cut him out of his jeans as his legs had swollen, he contacted my auntie who never once told me and still hasn’t spoke to me to this day! She wanted to blow dry her hair as had just got of shower so the neighbour drove over for his key and commented it was bad she did that while leaving her brother on the floor! If it wasn’t for that one neighbour we wouldn’t have had the precious moments we shared together in hospital! I find out my auntie helping me didn’t put them down! (Yet told me all the right people were there) no way! He should have been top of that list! She kept coming out with loads to try justify this and that it’s a pandemic however 4 spaces were taken up for poker boys who hasn’t seen or spoken to him in ten years! I feel it was done out of spite as she didn’t want the other going and felt she couldn’t invite one without the other! Then with attitude she told me she would tell my cousin not to go and I will have to go and pick him up today and tell the other he can’t go! I said no she is family and there was four spaces of poker boys where there didn’t need to be! And I never said that they couldn’t go! I told her to leave things as they are it’s done and I’m gutted as I felt so grateful for what those neighbours had done and they arranged a collection for him towards his funeral as well I am so pissed off! I told her she seemed to be ok with them thinking I didn’t let them go and that washt the case! They are so controlling! Anyway it’s the funeral I won’t say anything but there is a gathering at bees afterwards I almost feel I don’t want to go as I’m so pissed off sorry just venting! Had call from funeral directors as I was writing here now as well and they were checking is £150 ok to divert the hurse today I didn’t know anything about it! It’s fine tho whatever she wants to divert it for but I wasn’t notified and im overall just pissed off in general! Blessing in disguise mind! Would rather be angry than crying I feel
Glad the thing with your half brother went okay. You are totally right to be angry about the situation with the neighbours and the poker boys. Plus if you are paying for the funeral and not even going then it should be your choice who goes. This COVID situation just makes everything so difficult in that some people don’t get to go to a funeral and before anyone who wanted to pay their respects could go. it is so difficult. However you can thank them individually and tell them how much you appreciate them and how much you believe that they should have been there. and ask them to come to your wee memorial service when you are ready to do so with the ashes it can be a private thing and just who you want. I too had a problem about the hearse being diverted to go past my mums work so that her collegues could pay their respects. While I didn’t have a problem with that I had a problem with finding out about it at work with a notice on the board at work and how it had all been arranged behind my back. At that point it wasn’t sure wether or not the funeral would go ahead because they didn’t have enough to pay for it even though I had offered in return for my mums ashes and the consideration that I would get a memorial service later for my mums friends and family who weren’t there. I was angry and crying at the same time.
Cant believe the audacity of your aunt drying her hair and leaving your dad on the floor. And I bet she is going to the funeral well she is a total hypocrite. My aunts on my mums side now both don’t talk to me. Families can be a nightmare. I really hope you have some decent people in your life too to look after you and make sure you are alright. Even though you aren’t going I hope you have someone to sit with you. Perhaps its a blessing in disguise that these neighbours aren’t going perhaps you could sit with them and talk about your dad. Thinking of you.
Seen him in open coffin decided last minute and I regret it however if I didn’t do it I always would have wondered but I felt physically sick was shaking and shocked although I stayed and said everything I wanted to! Last minute arrangements are made today for the hurse to pass his mother’s my nans who sadly has dementia she was told about his passing but had already forgot about it yet suprisingly mentioned him today saying she wanted to call him to thank him for his picture was weird how she called as he was dying and now this today so we will park close to her even tho she will just be inside and not understand but the neighbours will come out and say goodbye best we could do under the circumstances
As I came out she decided last minute to call the neighbours he lived by and told them to go to my nans to say goodbye from there and she said he told her you don’t know how much I appreciate this that In itself angers me that poor man should be going! The person I was meant to sit with while this was happening messed me about even tho it’s been planned for weeks! So I will travel outside my nans to see the hurse pull up I will then drive to the crem and sit in the car park for ten mins as to feel close to pay my respects just like we did for my nan with having him close to her there I am just having my tyre done I feel stressed I feel shocked with what I saw with open coffin and it hasn’t registered I feel it’s easier to see the coffin go in the hurse now iv seen him in there maybe it won’t be tho only time will tell and yes that auntie and the other one will be there who said she wouldn’t even sit in a family car with me even if there was one! This side of the family really stresses me out and I just cannot wait for all this to be over and done with as horrible as that may sound just so stressed a min thanks for your reply and saddens me to hear of your family dynamics and issues aswell
I didn’t think I was going to do it I wasn’t even dressed for it but I attended the funeral! If there’s no such thing as an afterlife he died thinking I wasn’t going to go even though he said it was ok as he understood he was just worried I would regret it if I didn’t go, I now regret not saying I would go as I didn’t know if I could. I was numb I didn’t cry I was still in shock from seeing him In an open coffin last minute to say my goodbye thinking even then that I still wasn’t going to attend the funeral! I told my auntie who helped me to follow coffin down as I thought I wasn’t going my cousins girlfriend car pulled behind hers and I was last following him I found that a bit disrespectful.i lost them on a busy round about and took a wrong turn off when I arrived the other two aunties wouldn’t even look at me! I was in fight and defensive mode and struggling to register the funeral taking place as I thought I did the worst part being therefor him at the end and after seeing him in a coffin I thought how can I not do this as well! I popped back to the nice auntie for a bit for a quick gather but I felt physically sick and not sociable so I have left after an hour and currently sat on the mountain with his order of service book at the location he wants to be a scattered at which will be my final duty. I feel guilty I have gone out of my way to do so much for him in the last few weeks than I ever did in his whole entire life! I am hardly crying today is shock again his physical body gets cremated today and leaves this earth and then the ashes I will scatter as a final goodbye I cannot belive it still!
I am sorry I have not been on for a few days. but I am thinking of you. You were very brave and your dad will know that. Dont be alone when you scatter his ashes. Have someone with you. You don’t have to do it immediately you can hold on to them for a bit if you want and scatter them on a significant date. Like a birthday or something. Don’t push yourself to do it if you aren’t ready its ok to take your time with it. Keep in touch with the people who supported you and let them continue to support you. Don’t be alone in the time to come as it is very difficult but it can be a bit easier if you have people to support you. It may be surprising where and who that support comes from and who abandons you. Don’t leave your dads pals by the wayside but keep in contact because they will cherish sharing memories with you and may give you some comfort by giving you a living connection to your dad… Am thinking of you.
I will have my auntie with me who helped me for the ashes and we will eat his favourite food fish and chips lol while up there and pick a nice day we will let some balloons off his birthday in September and I plan to let lanterns off and will invite the ones who wanted to be there for that as well I was supposed to meet my half brother today it didn’t happen and the papers arrived for the pension pay out I forwarded all communication between me him and his mother and the csa letter to show the difficulties I have had with all of this and for them to check whether he was adopted or not he never asked how I was day of funeral or today really I am not convinced he will attend the ashes like he said either but one day at a time one thing is for sure I will ensure he has money whether adopted or not as that is what I truely belive my father would have wanted and that way he got his chance to provide for his son
I think you are an honest and honourable person but I am beginning to think it might be more than they deserve. I think you need to get some legal advice before you give things away. Great if he wants a connection with you and with his father that he never got to know. In that case he deserves his share. However if he has never wanted to be around and is messing you around and if all he really is interested in is any money and not you or your dad then I don’t think he deserves it and legally you may or may not have to give it to them. Don’t give them any info that you don’t have to you are vunerable at the moment and I don’t want you to get conned on top of everything else please be careful. Take it slow and get some good legal advice. Again some solicitors are great and charge a reasonable rate for their services and will be a great support and some would try to skin you and not be very good. Its hard particularly at the moment so please be careful. Its a hard thing to say but you have to look after you a bit just now and your dad would also want to support you and not see you hurt. Your dad loved you very much despite his illness that was obvious from your posts. All I am saying is don’t rush into major decisions on this without advice. I hope you also kept photocopies of the documents that you forwarded, unfortunately I have learned through hard experience that there are things I should have kept copies of to protect myself but I never did because like you I too was trying to do the right thing for my mum. Ask your good auntie what she thinks especially as she may know stuff about the situation that you don’t. Also google is great see if you can do some research about him on google.
Also about the ashes that sounds like a good idea just taking a day eating his fave food and his fave place. The lanterns and balloons are a great way to remember as well. I am thinking of you.
All along my auntie hasn’t wanted him to have a thing because no relationship materialised when I reached out when he was 19 and he never even responded when I told him he was in hospital dying and he lied about that to me to my face but I let it go considering his feelings that he may have been confused shocked or whatever or maybe just didn’t care who knows but I and my father always have considered how he thinks and feels and he is old enough to be the same but I am not sure he will be it would not have hurt to check how I was and I forwarded him the link to watch the webcast of the funeral and he hasn’t even said if he has watched it or not! I do have copies it was screen shots of our conversation where his mother was abusive to me and me showing that I informed him of hospital that he read and ignored it and me asking if he was adopted due to csa letter. I dunno I am starting to feel a bit of anger but I also want to honour my word. Thanks for reply
Take it slow. Making decisions about this when you are raw is not a good idea. If you want put what you might consider his share and technically it actually doesn’t have to be a full half but put it away and then its there if you decide in the future that he deserves it or if you want to give it to him and if you don’t well you didn’t have to rush. If he starts asking about it you will know that is his only interest and you can just say oh the solicitor is dealing with that they usually take a while (which is true if their is more than one recipient they can take many months so I have been told by a few people and am beginning to experience. I too try to be an honourable person but a lot of times I have learned to my cost that unscrupulous people can use that against you. All I am saying is take your time. A friend of mine was in a similar but different situation to you. Her relationships where different. It was her common law husband who died and his kids from his first marriage who couldn’t stand him and made no effort because their mother had poisoned them against him inherited the house she was living in. They sold it within a couple of weeks and because she gave up her house to move in with him she was essentially homeless. She had to put all her furniture in storage and live in her sister’s spare room. All because they hadn’t got married. If they had got married she would have automatically inherited because it was Scotland she had rights but she felt it would be more honourable and less hassle to just let them have it. It was months before she found a house she could afford. Its too early to deal with it so take it slow listen to your aunt and your own heart but give yourself time to see thinks more clearly from your own point of view.
Anyway you could always use the money to go on holiday with your aunt to somewhere that was special to your dad after this COVID situation is over. Maybe your dad would prefer you to treat your aunt and yourself a wee bit.
Take care. Thinking of you.
Just wanted to let you know that I am still thinking of you.
Thankyou I am in an angry phase of grief at the minute not slept all night sorry for short reply you have helped a lot with your replies can’t thank you enough
Hey thats what we are all here for to get support from each. Yeah I understand the angry phase of grief all too well. It comes and goes. Exercise helps with it and as i have said before to someone else I found going and shouting out loud at the sea (ir up that hill you spoke of shout and scream when you get to the top.) when no one else was around helpful - make sure no else is around or they will think your crazy and cart you off to the loony bin. . I think I also suggested taking up boxing to someone else in that phase so they could punch a bag. Or if you have a dartboard its a good way of getting rid of anger stress too. Hope you find something that helps you exercise the anger in your own way, because keeping the anger in does you no good mentally. And make sure you still have someone in real life to talk to. Even if you don’t feel like talking to them text them and say I need to be on my own to cope just now but don’t forget about me because I do still need you. And then they will still be there when you do need them. Glad I have helped a little thats what we are on here for to help each other. A lot of kind people on here have helped me too. And it can make a big difference when you are having a hard day.
Take care Meebee
The series of events that have taken place throughout the process of my father passing and scattering his ashes has been consistently imperfectly perfect! It’s created laughter throughout the whole process! Which fits his personality and made it completely memorable! While he was in hospital really thirsty I accidentally used a face wipe instead of the mouth cloth with the gel 
I felt so guilty as imagine being so thirsty and that happening! My auntie brought him back to life it would seem after he had just passed after cwtchin him and lifting him a little to do so and he was so afraid of dying that he had to do it twice! we were trying to make light humour of it and I can imagine the nurses in the hallway not understanding why two people would be laughing next to someone dying (but me my father and auntie all have the same sense of humour we could imagine him looking down and saying one job you had!) when I decided to visit him at the chapel of rest I didn’t want an open coffin yet I found myself testing the weight of the lid and lifting it ever so slightly but was too afraid to properly look and I just blurted out to my auntie while upset what is wrong with me who goes peeking in people’s coffins! She burst out laughing which helped me laugh too. I took a wrong turn while following the hearse after pulling out last on a roundabout I wasn’t intending going to the funeral but I did last minute! I was rushing and forgot how to operate my boot after putting the electric roof down so I just left it open for the service! And wasn’t dressed in black my mothers phone went off in the funeral not once but twice! When the time came to scatter the ashes one of the balloons had deflated so I went to buy some more, one popped as we got out of the car, the lid didn’t come off the scatter tube properly, when I told my auntie to release the balloons they caught in the barbed wire fence! As she was trying to get them another one popped and all the ashes was going all over her! I told her to carry on with the ashes while I run to get the balloons that had released and dropped in a field, as I come off the wall I landed into a side ways roll! When I got back to climb the wall my auntie pointed out my letter was weighing the balloons down so as I was looking at the letter wondering how to attach it the balloons untied themselves from the zip tie as it was so windy and went off without the letter! When I went back to where I was I noticed my fathers ashes had all got stuck to the wall as I was so short despite being on small step ladder that the majority didn’t make it over the wall with the strong winds placing him mostly over the wall! My auntie went up there the next day with a sweeping pan and brush to try and free him from the wall! and the third day I was able to buy some more balloons and third time lucky these ones went off ok…I left my contact details for just incase anyone found the letter to let me know and I’m now sat here thinking with the consistent pattern so far it wouldn’t suprise me if I had a text along the lines of sorry for your loss but just to let you know your balloon hit my cables and all electric is lost! I’m glad I can see the funny side to it all and I don’t think my father would have wanted it any other way to be honest as he lived to make people laugh!
Hi xmallen88x,
Your post is like a breath of fresh air. I was brought up in a household with a sarcastic sense of humour. We found laughter in everything and got by laughing at each other. When my grandmother died in 1996 my dad put her wig and glasses on the urn in the living room and used to talk to her. We all used to laugh and say people would think we were mad. Then the following year my dad died of a sudden heart attack aged 53 and my mum and I couldn’t laugh about anything. But over the years our sense of humour returned and my mum would always mess around, be silly and we would laugh about death. My mum wrote a list of funeral songs that she wanted played for when her time came. She wanted everyone to leave the church while the jungle song 'wanna be like you’re played. We used to crack up laughing.
Then my mum died of a sudden unexpected brain hemorrhage last June and I’ve lost my sense of humour for over a year now. We played the jungle book song but none of us smiled. I’m hoping that I will laugh again as that is what my mum would have wanted. Your dad and my mum sound very similar.
Cheryl x