My first birthday without Mum

It will be my birthday on Saturday, it will be the first one without my Mum who passed away suddenly at the end of November last year.

I’m really struggling with my feelings at the moment. This week I feel like the hum of grief has become a massive roar. I had been doing ok but today I’ve had such a surge of feelings that are really upsetting. I’ve had a rough work day and I keep thinking back to the night I found my mum (we found her lying dead on her bedroom floor after she wouldn’t answer her phone). I do often recall that moment and over time it has become less intense but recently it is every other thought and it’s distressing. I feel like I’m going crazy going through this again.

I just feel so sad, so angry, confused about why everything is coming back now. I feel like no-one really understands because it’s almost 5 months now and everyone has moved on but if anything I feel like I’m back in that initial stage where it’s all consuming.

We are going away for the weekend to try and change the routine of the day and my 2 young children are super excited but I just feel like I am the person I was at Christmas where I am pretending to be excited when really all I feel is such an overwhelming ache inside. I miss her so much.


Hi lilmia
I’m so sorry. Losing your mum is so devastating , especially when you were close. My mum passed away July 2020 and it feels like yesterday. I’ve had 3 birthdays/Christmas now and mum always said I must buy something really nice and think it from her. She always knew exactly the right gift for me. I’ve done this and makes me feel a little better. It took me a year to start to clear her house. That was one of the hardest things in my life. I didn’t have anyone to help me. Many many tears shed then and now. I have incorporated some of her household things. Like… I use her kitchen scissors. I have some of her clothes and wear those too. Makes me feel close again, especially on special occasions. I wore her socks at an exam last week. You are right to change the birthday routine, it will help, make it a regular until you can face the old routine. Christmas is challenging. Last Christmas I was on my own so on day I was up a ladder painting lounge ceiling. It’s different with children, but always as underlying sadness. Try to have a good birthday. It’s what mum would have wanted. I know you long for her. Have a quiet 5 minutes in the evening and tell her about your day. She will be listening. Much love. X


Hi @LilMia I can relate to your post. I too found mum who had collapsed in October last year. The shock was tremendous and like you, I have moments when it all comes flooding back.
My birthday was 8 weeks later and it was a blur. It was so soon afterwards. I think its a good idea to buy yourself something special and consider it from your mum. I did that at Christmas because I could almost hear mum telling me to do so. Try to have a moment where you talk to your mum on your birthday, she will be with you.
@Twiglet I too have the dreaded task of clearing mum’s house, and although I won’t be able to keep large items/furniture etc due to distance, I too will keep some household items and some clothes etc. I love the idea of the scissors!
Sending love and strength to you both.x


I know exactly how you are feeling right now. It’s my birthday next Monday and it will be my first birthday without my mum and still feeling rather alone and angry that all my family have just got on as though nothing has happened or there hasn’t been a loss I’m the family.