My friend has passed suddenly

Coping with bereavement
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On Wednesday evening of this week, I was told that a very dear friend had suddenly and unexpectedly passed away.

She was beautiful. Like sunshine, she carried a light that warmed everyone who stood near her. Being around her felt easy, safe, and bright. Her personality, her laugh, her effortless charisma and style—she had a way of making the world feel a little kinder. I can still see her beautiful smile. I remember the tenderness she had for all of God’s creatures, the compassion that led her to live as a vegetarian, the gentleness she carried in everything she did. Everything about her was good. And now she’s gone.

The tears won’t stop. My heart feels completely shattered.

This grief feels so much like the grief I felt when I lost my grandmother. Perhaps because she was the one who stood beside me when that loss happened 13 years ago. She held space for me then, just as she held space for so many people she loved. Her heart, and her fierce loyalty to the people she cared about, was something truly special. It was inspiring.

I wish we had more time together.
I wish I had told her more often how much I loved her.

She was the little sister I always dreamed of having. Now all that remains are photographs and memories, when all I want is to hold her one more time—to tell her I love her, and that I am sorry for all the moments I missed, the time that slipped quietly away.

The grief I am feeling is immeasurable. I never imagined this world without her in it, and now the world feels dimmer somehow, as if a light has gone out.

I am a lone parent raising the most wonderful child, and I feel terribly guilty for the depth of my grief—for the tears, for her seeing me so upset. I try to be strong for her.

But even the smallest things feel heavy. School runs are exhausting. Those five minutes of putting on a brave face, pretending that I am “okay,” feel almost impossible. And we are only two days into this new reality.

I am afraid that this grief might consume me.

Because the truth is, the tears won’t stop… and my heart does not yet know how to live in a world without her.

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Hello @Sazara,

I’m Seaneen, and I can see you’re new to the community. I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend. It sounds like you had a very special friendship and it’s completely understandable you’re feeling so shattered without her.

I’m sure that someone will be along to offer their support. In the meantime, you might want to look at some of Sue Ryder resources which can help you to cope with your grief.

I really hope you find the community to be a support to you too. Please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

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Hi @Sazara

I’m so sorry that you have lost your dear friend. Your post shows how close you were and what a very special, kind person she was x

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Thank you for your kind words, it means a lot. I am absolutely devastated by her loss. She’s the last thing I think about when I eventually go to sleep and the first thing I think about when I wake. I can’t stop these tears, I’m typing through tears right now. I feel guilty for being so sad around my daughter, but this pain is so raw it’s overwhelming. I feel like this is all a terrible nightmare and I will wake up from it xx

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Hi @Sazara

It is completely understandable that you feel sad and need to cry. I am not a parent so can’t advise on how to handle your grief in front of your child. But it is normal to feel so upset x