My grandad my life how do i go on ???

SORRY FOR THE LONG POST My grandad has been poorly for a number of years he had copd & heart problems he lived in a different town from me 2 hours away & he seem to be getting on okay but I knew he was only going to get worse & spoke to him about moving in with me & my boys which he ageed to but their waz always appointment & things he had to do before we put the plan im to action anyway last 2 months things had changed a lot he went from being on oxygen just when he was moving about to being on it full time , he was also having falls where he would black out then fall & hurt himself the doctors give him all the test going but still couldn’t come up to why this waz happening so going back a month ago 1st he had black out & cut his eye open & ended up in hospital then 2 weeks later he done the other eye this time it was pretty bad lucky only needed butterfly stiches bearing in mind i live 2 hours away & dont drive we spoke everyday on the phone & when he was in hospital i rang twice a day & also ring hospital daily as i was next of kin , my grandad was a very proud man & had always looked out for me he was more then just a grandad he was like my dad he never really told me how bad things had got always played it down that he was okay then aftwr being in hospital a week i get a phone call from hospital late at night to say his had a cardiac arrest so I found someone to take me down & got their early hours in morning licky he waz bought bk after cpr straight away it was the 1st time ive seen my grandad after his last fall his waz black & blue so that waz a bit shock but I tryed to keep it togther for him but he looked so scared i just tool.his hand & told him how much i love him & that we get thought this togther i told him i waz stay at his the nite & would be bk up in morning & off couse he told me off & told me to get home to my boys but I said no , next day I went bk up to the hospital & it waz like nothink had happened he waz bk to his usual self joking about tell me off as i took more clother & stuff i thought he need , he told me to take it bk to his lol I didnt say anythink just done wat ever i could to make him happy , then week later his still in hospital & he has a repertory arrest which is where u stop breathing but it heart still beating i couldn’t get their to c him but spoke every few hours on phone he seemed okay anyway i asked the hospital to keep me informed they didn’t & sent him home he was home a hour br he went funny & had anuffa fall so waz rushed bk to hospital i was very angry at the hospital for doin this i tryed ringing hospital he had not arrived their yet so I rang my grandads mobile he was very upset & said he couldn’t do this no more I told him to stop being silly that now is the time to come move in with me & I would help him & it was my time to care for him as he had always looked after me he said that waznt the way it should be but told him to not be silly cause it was & he seem to be coming round to the idea , i had no idea where to start as new 1st things 1st i need his oxygen machine put in my house before anythink so spend couple day ringing around & then we needed a stair lift as i live in a house witg no downstairs loo so had people out to give it prices few days later id had oxygen delivered to my house & just needed my grandads say so to get the stair lift fired & sorted out when he was aloud to leave hospital he was comin stright to live with me we would sort out his place & everythink at a later date main thing wax him , & I told him this he got be angry & told me off that he couldn’t come stright to mine as had things to sort out at his house 1st i said okay thats fine I will find away down with my boys & we stay with u couple days before we set off to move you in that waz all sorted & he even said he was excited about moving in with us , then I had a lovely day my bro come round with his gf for dinner I then rang my grandad to make sure he was okay he was but very tired so waz goin try get some sleep then 11pm I get a phone call to say he was having anuffa cardiac arrest & they waz working on him & to get down their , it was a 2 hour drive i asked them call me bk witg any info y o tryed get my boys & dogs looked after & someone to take me , it seem like hours went pasted b4 they rang bk & it waz like half a hour they said it took a 30 mins to get him bk said okay I was on my way down & would be their in 2 hours , i rang em every half hour they said he would need a scan to c wat brain damage he would have as took so long to get him bk when i got their he waz on a breathing machine just to help him as he had the copd but he waz breathing for himself he just keep trying to pull this mask off & waz like I was fighting with him to stop him he waz very confused they give him some medicine to try calm him down he come out with odd word after a hour he told us to go to bed so thought he needed sleep so we went bk to my grandad to return in morning this when gets bit blurry i still really didnt belive that this waz it i still had it in my head that wat ever brain damage he had he was still coming to live with me the nurse & doctors dont really tell you much i was still convinced he was going to be ok as the way he come bk from the 1st one anyways he was put on morphine so seemed a bit like he was drunk but he was talking i said grandad it shelly u okay I live u loads & he said I was now I was their , my mum & bro waz with me but no one bothered with him only me so he went on to say that I was his favourite & I was the only one that loved him, i keep asking if he was okay he was like yes he then keep trying get his mask off again & didn’t look comfortable so they give him some more morphine he pretty much a sleep after that the doctors still didn’t say much only that we may have to look into putting him in a Hospice & if he had anuff cardiac arrest they wouldn’t be giving him for no more & he waznt a candidate for intensive care because all the problems he had so he was just on a normal ward , then his pulse i think.it was dropped the nurse come over looked a bit concerned but I still in denial i said so wat we going do to get that bk up then half hour later 2 doctors come to c us & ask for a chat in a room i kind of knew wat waz coming vut still didnt sink in they told me my grandads had hours left , i was meant to be going home to take my mum bk to have my boys then come bk I was like we have drive 2 hours home & no 1st they lie like no u can stay ehre at the hospital to night i Stoll waz like no y would i do that my grandads house is half hour away it just didn’t feel real they left as in room & My bro waz like we cant go home we gotta stat here i waznt ready for this i just sorted my house for my grandad to move in with me , we went bk to c him i just burst into tears thinking no this isn’t right their 2 hours later he breathing got more faint i held his hand & stroke his head & told him it’s okay now grandad you can go & how much I loved him & he took 2 more deep breath & that was it he was gonei stay with him for 2 hours longest we waz aloud & then went bk to his house just didn’t feel real anyways fast forward 3 weeks I went to c him in chapel of rest , i sorted his funeral out all on my own with no help from no one my mother giving me shit as she knew it should been her but she disnt care about him or bothered with him thats y it was me , we had my grandad furneal would u hope i done him proud & ive keep my self busy so it’s not sinked in then today I got a letter to say he has been cremated & bang im in bits it seems so final i just don’t no war to do with myself i have 2 boys who need me as their father died when they waz young im just so sick of being strong , i wanna fall to bits my grandad was my everythink the only family member that give a shit about me , my heart is broken i don’t no war to do ???

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