On the 15th April it will be one year since i lost my Grandad, but for me he was more than that he was the farther i needed, my best friend, my partner in crime my world and now without him i am lost in this endless sea of pain, nightmares and sadness. I was with him the morning we got the call to say he was going i was the closest as i live near the hospital he was at and i saw things that haunt me every waking minute. His is the first passing i have witnessed and there is not enough words in this world to describe how much i miss him. He was sick all of my life but he was a fighter he fought for 36 years through everything but sadly this time he never went home and it feels like it is my fault and i let him down, every other time i got him home like he wanted back to his wife and great grandson and this time i failed he passed away in a place he never wanted to and i was not with him at the moment he left this world and i should have been i left his room that night at 9.00pm and by 9.15pm he was gone i had been there since 6am that morning and i wanted to stay but my gran was sleeping there with him so i went home and i should never have left. I let the most precious person in the world down who never once let me down and i cant forgive myself for not doing the same. I feel that is why i am tortured every waking minute when i even think his name i am transported right back to that room i can see it clearly hear everything, smell everything and all i feel is fear and sadness i no longer have to be asleep for it to happen. I just wish i could have one last conversation with him twll him i am sorry, that i love him and have one last cuddle i am lost and dont know what to do. Sorry for rambaling on to whoever reads this but thank you for taking the time to
Hi @Luluaimee,
I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m so sorry to hear about your Grandad. It sounds as though things are very difficult at the moment. Anniversaries can always be particularly difficult too, you may find this article helpful.
Please know that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, and how you’re feeling is completely normal.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share these links with you to help you with your grief.
You might already be familiar with our other Online Bereavement Support services, but if not, you can find out more about our Online Counselling service, our Grief Coach text support service, and our Grief Guide self-help tools by visiting the link.
Please do take care of yourself - keep talking and reaching out.
Becca
Online Community Team 
Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing those links with me