People who know I’m grieving assume I’m sad, and then they assume I had a great relationship with my mum and make comments about my mum ‘always being with me’ etc.
We didn’t have a close relationship. She never had time for me as she was completely absorbed with my sister, they were completely codependent. She didn’t keep me safe as a child, was often cold towards me and when I experienced my own cancer she never showed any compassion, she just talked about my sister and her various ailments. I used to work in palliative care and when mum was diagnosed with terminal illness it was expected that I would take care of her. She quickly became unable to clean herself, needed feeding, couldn’t really do anything herself and her care became my responsibility, I had to coordinate all of her nursing requirements, everything. But Im ashamed to say I didn’t want to. I tried to talk to her nurses but mum was refusing to go into a hospice and we had no money to pay for private nursing care so I had no option. My sister carried on working, my brother couldn’t do personal care and it was all on me. I did it out of duty and the only way I could get through it was by pretending she was a patient - not my mum. Her end of life was traumatic, not peaceful in anyway and I’m left with awful memories of her last three days. Of course I am sad, but not in the way people assume. I’m sad that I will never have a loving relationship with my mum. I’ll never get chance to have important conversations with her about how she made me feel. I’m angry that it all fell on me, I’m angry about so much and I don’t miss her in the way people assume. I miss the mum I always hoped I would have.
I’ve tried to tell friends this but they all have loving relationships with their mothers and it makes them uncomfortable that I feel this way.
I’m really struggling with feeling like I’m the only person in the world who feels this way about losing their mum.
I signed up to reply to your post because I have felt the same about my mum. My parents both died quite suddenly and I didn’t have a good relationship with either of them. My mum was very abusive growing up, she beat the hell out of us.
When my dad died she mellowed out a bit. My brothers seemed to forgive her and became much closer to her but I never could. I have always felt jealous of people who were close to their mums, who went out shopping with them etc. And I’m still jealous that their mums are alive and mine isn’t.
I also miss the mum I wish I had, same with my dad. I miss the parents and the childhood I never had and now never will have and I missed out on all the things I wanted to say to them and all the things I wanted to hear from them too. I feel like it is two griefs - grief at their death but also grief for myself. Sometimes I feel selfish and ashamed for that. I think I’d have felt resentful in your position had I had to care for her at the end when she didn’t care for me. I don’t think you’re wrong if you feel that way.
I have started writing letters to my mum which has helped a bit. At least I can say the things I didn’t get to say.
I’ve had people say similar things to me and I try to think, well, everyone to some degree has a complicated relationship with their parents and try not to let it annoy me. They’re just trying to be nice even if it’s misguided.
We both deserved better from our parents and however we feel we feel.
Thankyou Helena so much for replying to my post, it’s the first time anyone has understood.
I’m so grateful but at the same time I’m sorry that your experience is similar to mine because I know how awful that must feel.
You’re so right, we did deserve better and it’s ok to feel angry & resentful about that. I’m glad writing to your parents is helping, I might give it a go.
Thanks again, take good care of yourself x
I can relate 1000% i feel like i have mourned the loss of a mother like eveyone else has for a long time prior to her death. Your post is almost identical to my experience however i have not had to fight cancer which of course i am grateful for i am so sorry that happened to you and wish you all the hope and healing in the world. Wish i could speak to you in person and share our experiences ive never met anyone who has had this relationship/experience before. Sending you love 
Hi BestWhiteFeather
Grief is very complicated and you’re not alone in that you didn’t have a close relationship with your mother.
Have you thought about having talking therapies through your GP?
I’m waiting to hear back about this for me, glad that I’ve got that in the future some time.