Hello,
I lost my dad 6 months ago, nearly 7. They say he died on march 1st 2024 but i believe he died on the 28th/29th February. I say this because he had already started decomposition when he was found.
It wasn’t an expected death, it was a total utter shock. Although he hadn’t been well for a little while, death was never ever even thought of.
In October 2023, i took my dad from his home in Scarborough and brought him to live with my sister in Lancashire. He moved in with her as she had a whole floor in her home that was turned into a little flat type place, just for him. I would visit as often as i could, once a week at least. My sister was supposed to be looking after him, taking care of his daily needs. Each time i would go and visit him, there would be issues with his care. My sister and I came to blows one day and we fell out, resulting in her completely banning me from her house around February 18th. Resulting in me not being able to go and visit my dad.
On march 1st at 10pm i was at a rugby game with my new boyfriend of 4 months. I was 50 miles away from home and had consumed alcohol so unable to drive. I received the call, my mum called me to tell me my dad was dead. He had been found at 8pm march 1st, freezing cold, face down on the floor, stiff as a board, decomposition had started.
We’re 6, nearly 7 months on and the grief i feel is worsening by the day. The anger i feel towards my sister is unbearable. We’ve not spoken since our fall out.
I have unanswered questions, when did he die? why did he die alone? why did no one respond to his fall? Why wasnt he discovered when he was in a house of 4 people?
I never imagined his death to be that way, i always thought id be by his side. I miss him terribly and i dont know what to do, i dont know how to even begin to process that hes gone.
So sorry for your loss, my dad was very important to me too.
As it was a sudden death, was the coroner involved? The coroner who did my husbands post mortem was so kind, she explained in detail what had happened and reassured me he wouldnt have know what was happening, which consoles me.
Xx
I’m really sorry to hear about your loses 
The coroner was involved, his caused of death was cardiac arrest caused by ischemic heart disease which we didnt know about.
I asked how long he had been lay there alone for, how long hed been dead for but they said they dont know, its not something theyd look into. I cant say i received any closure at all with his autopsy report
Hi @BA18
Im so sorry for you loss, it mirrors my own which is why i felt the need to comment. My mum died on 28th feb suddenly and unexpectedly. We found her dead at the top of the stairs, fortunately she wasnt decomposing and her sister had spoken to her the night before so i know it wasnt longer than 24 hours. My mum was fit and well. The coroner said she had pneumonia, even though she hadnt even mentioned being unwell with a cough. Im a paramedic and i have struggled so much, why didnt she ring me, why didnt she call an ambulance etc etc. All i can presume is she died suddenly, she was sat up against the wall, i think she collapsed. I would say the same with your dad if he was face down. Logic says if you feel poorly and are dying slowly you would put yourself to bed or at least curl up in a comfy position. With a cardiac arrest the heart stops, they wouldnt know anything about it. Its hard to know if he suffered before, but i think it sounds more likely he collapsed and died instantly. Its also hard to think they died alone, but again hopefully if it was sudden they wouldn’t have known anything about it. Ive had to accept this fact, i cant change it and beating myself up about it does not help and you will still never get the answers you need. I have witnessed a lot of deaths in my career and my husband is also a paramedic and he saw my mum when she had died and we both felt that it must have been sudden for her to be in the position she was. I hope this helps in some way
The other thing i find so difficult is i had never even thought about her dying like you said. And if i think about it now i feel cheated, i wanted to have time with her if she was ill, i wanted to know it was coming so i could say goodbye. So many things i wish i could change but i cant, and that sucks
Im so sorry to hear you’re going through the same thing. I could cope initially, i had all the questions but i was busy with the funeral so i had distractions. I could share stories and talk about him freely but now i can’t. Just writing this, i feel a lump in my throat. I dont understand why it’s getting harder, do you feel this way?
Like you i had so much to sort out afterwards. Ive had to clear her house and put it on the market as well as sort all her finances and funeral, we also had no will so had to apply for probate. Its probably been a good distraction, and at times i still can’t believe she has gone. I think the shock is massive when its unexpected so maybe it takes yime for that to settle before you can actually start accepting they have gone. Ive actually been having counselling as her death triggered anxiety in me, ive also been worried im not accepting it, but i do think the counselling is helping. But i also have times like you where it hits so hard. Just a few days ago i was going out in the car and i thought i will give mum a ring, and then bam it hits again. Its so hard
My dad had a very hard life, he hit the bottle from a very young age which caused a lot of people to give up on him. Not me though, i loved the bones of him. We had our fall outs don’t get me wrong but he knew i adored him, alcohol or no alcohol, he was my dad and i wouldnt of changed him for the world. I look at his picture now and it just tears my heart out, i carry so much guilt, i should and could of done more. My friends say i need counselling, they can see im struggling but i don’t think im ready for accepting that hes gone for good this time, i dont think my heart can take it
Thats fair with regards to the counselling, the time has to be right for you. I just needed help to accept it as it was causing me so much anxiety. But also like you looking at photos of mum hits me like a freight train, so i still dont think im even half way there. Its one day at a time. Im here if you need to chat