My grief is soul deep

After losing my beautiful mum on December 18th, Christmas and new year came and went. I managed to get through somehow, all the family spent Christmas and Boxing Day together to share as best we could a good Christmas. Her funeral was 14th January and i have one day left (tomorrow) to finish clearing her home and returning the keys to the council offices. I’ve been finding things that go back right to when I was a small child, she kept everything. She lived in the house for 63 years and I was born in her bedroom. I’ve had no help from my two brothers in fact they’ve left me to do everything even the financial side of paying for the funeral, I’m disgusted with them. My ejdest brother didn’t even go to his own mother’s funeral ! I am so upset for my mum she didn’t deserve that. I am suffering so badly these last two days from overwhelming grief that seems to go right core deep. I don’t want to leave my bed let alone my bedroom and find excuses to not get up. I can’t see a way out of this awful feeling it’s tearing ne apart. Thank you for reading.

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Hello Lesley, I’d just like to say how much I feel for you, for both the loss of your lovely Mum and for the loss of the relationships as you knew them between your brothers and yourself. I know they too are a harsh and difficult loss because I’m experiencing difficult times with family since my loss and it’s all so very sad isn’t it. I think you’d be surprised how common it is though unfortunately. Do you have other family members that you could lean on for a while? You’ve gone through so much in a fairly short space of time and sometimes it’s when you’ve finally got the time to catch your breath that the painful feelings seem to be all the more unmanageable. Dont feel bad about not wanting to leave your bed, it’s ok, at least for a while. I truly hope you turn a corner with your brothers, everything must feel so unreal right now. You’ll keep going, somehow. Don’t hesitate to seek professional help though if you are still feeling you that you can’t cope. Sending compassionate thoughts to you.

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Hello Tina. Thank you so much for your reply. You are very kind. Everything seems like I’m living through a fog and I can’t find a break in it anywhere. I’m sorry you are experiencing similar. Xx

This sounds so similar to my experience too. I lost my mum over Christmas and live three hours drive away. My brother lives in the same town and although they fell out years ago I thought he would be there for me. He hasn’t though I sorted the funeral and he never went, I will have to sort mums house too alone. Like your mum I have found all kinds of things she kept from the past some good some not so. I find my grief comes and goes in waves one minute I’m OK the next I’m sobbing uncontrollably. I don’t feel like doing anything but am taking it easy at the moment. If you can take time out for yourself and don’t feel bad about it you have been through a lot. xx

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Hi Rosie I’m so sorry you are going through this too, we handed the keys back to the council today and they said she was the oldest resident down the whole area and lived in the houses in that area the longest. She took the house when it had just been built in 1955 and lived there for nearly 64 years. I was born there and it’s just so hard a lifetime of memories! I have them all tucked away in my heart. I found some comfort in that I hope you do too. God bless x

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Hi Lesley

I was so sad reading your post about the loss of your Mum before Christmas. It sounds as if it has been a dreadful time for you, getting through Christmas, New Year and your Mum’s funeral all within a month. Also having to clear your Mum’s house with all the memories there, 63 years in one house is a long time so clearing it must have been quite an expereince. I am also sorry to read about the lack of support you have had from your brothers. Sadly bereavement brings out the worst in some people and they behave very badly.

So much of what you have written resonates with me. My Mum passed away over two years ago in the bedroom that she had slept in for 56 years. When Mum became ill my sister and I both gave up work to be with her and my sister turned into a complete monster. She moved back home and bullied both of us saying terrible things on a daily basis. I called them the ‘Daily Bitch’. As I lived at home I did the bulk of the clearing with sister often sitting downstairs playing games on her phone. Mum had kept amongst many things the bibs we both wore as babies!

On a more practical note I would imagine you are suffering from shock still over your loss. It can last for weeks if not months and is a miserable process to go through. Staying in bed sometimes is fine or the house even. Maybe just little trips out at first, to the end of the road and back or post box and back. Are you eating much? I know I found it really annoying when people asked me that but trying to eat something however small does help. Comfort food is good, I ate baked potatoes with beans and scrambled eggs on toast so many times and made soup as well.

Please don’t try and cope with all this on your own. Your Doctor will be able to help if needed. Many people find counselling works well for them, there is the facility for this online on this site (box to the right of the page). People who use this forum understand as well, we all are experiencing or about to the loss of someone we love.

On a final note, take time to remember your Mum and happier times with her. Even ten minutes relaxing and letting your mind wander however it wants can help a lot. Doesn’t matter if you have a cry if you want to. It relieves tension I am told so is good.

Mel

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Hi Lesley. I can fully empathise with your pain and I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my mum and my world fell apart. My brothers and I cleaned out our family home. It was a most incredibly painful thing to do as, like you, I was born in my mum and dad’s bedroom and I had lived there for so long. My childhood belongings were still there. Cleaning out every drawer was so emotionally draining as it brought back so many memories.
My only advice for you is to take one day at a time and try to get through it as best you can. Some days are worse than others but somehow we keep going - and I think that our mums would be proud of us for doing that.
Take care of yourself,
Gill.

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Thank you so much Mel. I am sorry for your loss too and the problems you’ve experienced. I have been eating too much as a way of comfort. I’ve gained weight and stopped any form of exercise. I am aiming to cut down on junk food and start to move more, a little step in the right direction. Thank you x

Hi gill, thank you. The weekend wasn’t too good. My daughters have taken it badly too. We all met up for coffee and were remembering the good times but spent most of the time in tears. It will get better in time I know when I lost dad it took a long time though. It’s just like walking through a fog at the minute. Thank you so much and I am sorry too for your loss of your mum x

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your post bought tears to my eyes , I feel for you so much. My mum died in August last year and I went through similar things re. sorting out her stuff. It’s just all so painful. Six months on it feels different for me. The rawness isn’t there but it’s still painful, I don’t know if it will ever go away. Love to you x

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Thank you Joanne. I’ve had two really bad days. Not left my bedroom. I just don’t want to see anybody or go out. August is only a few months away, it must still be incredibly raw for you.
Thank you for your kind response and to everybody on this thread that has supported me with your lovely messages. X

Hi Lesley, I can understand exactly how you feel with everything left up to you…I also have 2 older brothers and my Dad passed 4th December…they couldn’t comprehend the stress of sorting everything just paperwork alone…to them it was a case of just filling in a couple of forms , easy, but every form ,death certificate produced was just reinforcing the fact that Dad had gone.Phone calls ,banks telling people over and over that Dad had died. Its soul destroying, they had work, no time, sell his cars, sell his possessions. I hated them for dumping this on me…their only defence was “we lost our dad also!” Pitiful excuse

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