Hi Mikey very honestly written and I got every word of what you said. I lost my partner but to a living death - he chose someone else after 36 wonderful years together. I’ve now lost my Mother who I had a very very strong bond with and the grief has brought back so much of the loss, the anger, the guilt, the remorse, the questioning and the emptiness. Reading your post you sound so sensible even though you see yourself as not making sensible decisions you certainly express yourself well. Getting it all out and reasoning it all around in your mind with someone outside your circle someone trained to mentor, gives you perspective. I know it helped me enormously as I had so many feelings all negative eating away at me. The move on expression is a ridiculous one in my view unless of course it means that we learn to live with our loss and lose all the negativity wrapped up with the loss and find a different life which we can accept in the future. We will always love them and working through it all to find a little peace won’t change that. Good luck with your journey. Hugs and understanding Red Poppy 
Hello Mikeh,
you write so eloquently, so truthfully but above all else you write from the heart.
What you see is what you get…no beating around the bush!
I lost Sandra, my partner of 19 years at the end of July. Sandra had been diagnosed with MDS (Myelodysplastic Syndrome) which required chemotherapy and a stem cell transplant for any chance of recovery.
Everything was going well, too well, in my opinion, until the night that Sandra suffered cardiac problems. The next nine days were spent in ICU were Sandra developed HLH for which the out come was never going to be favourable.
During those awful nine days I had the opportunity to “prepare” myself for Sandra’s passing…
Yeah right! Nothing, but nothing can prepare you for that day.
I can remember like yesterday the ICU consultant saying that Sandra only had less than an hour to live and that we should withdraw life support.
What right did I have to know that Sandra was going to pass within the next few minutes?
What right did I have to be a part of ending Sandra’s life?
This thought has haunted me ever since; so much so that out of the blue came the thought “You killed Sandra!”
My brain just cant work out what the hell I agreed to!
What right did I have? Would Sandra have agreed? Why was I even thinking that the 1pm shift was starting at work at that exact time?
Why was my brain trying to protect me when I should be protecting Sandra?
Guilt! Guilt! Guilt!
Since that day I’ve experienced the multitude of feelings that everyone here has portrayed.
We are all normal; we just cope differently on different days.
Guilt: yeah, the dreaded “guilt” factor!
Why am I still here, living and breathing when Sandra has gone?
Why do I turn the telly off when Emmerdale comes on?
Easy answer to that one; Sandra loved to watch it and life in The Dales just plods on, just as my life is plodding on, were I’m heading I have no idea, but one thing is for sure and that is I don’t like it!
My life is just plodding on aimlessly without my lovely Sandra.
Why am I decorating the house so soon after Sandra passed? Because Sandra had it planned that’s why!
Since going back to work I’ve not thought of Sandra as much. I come home, feed the cats sort out my own tea…oh God! Why hasn’t Sandra been on my mind 24/7…time to beat myself up again.
What right have I got coping with my “new normal”?
Time to sit quietly and admit to my guilty conscience that it’s ok to cope, it’s ok to cry and it’s ok to talk about Sandra as if Sandra’s still here.
You have probably noticed that I refer to Sandra by name. I cant bring myself to refer to Sandra as “her” or “she”…it’s just my own little way of coping .
Wishing you well with writing your journals and it’s ok for a man to cry.
Stephen
Dear Stephen,
Firstly please accept my heartfelt sincere condolences for the loss of your wife. All of us on this site are here because of one thing, we have lost such a precious person that steered us through life’s troubles. We feel all sorts of emotions and pain which vary in depth and duration and at the same time are lost like kittens in the wild. One thing I will commend you on is that you are talking about things, I have noticed far too often that us blokes just dot show our feelings, choosing to just clam up in the fear of showing a weakness or considering its a taboo subject. I used to be like that, but it was taking me to dark places, so chose to consider it as a strength. Its nice to here from a chap for a change.
your journey has struck an accord with me on several subjects.
The first thing is I must share with you is that you did not Kill your wife. You must get that out of your mind and this is why. My wife had a cardiac arrest in front of me and I saved her life, she had two further cardiac arrests straight after and I was involved with the ambulance staff in keeping her alive until the air ambulance got doctors over.
During the time in hospital she deteriorated to the point she was on palliative care and unconscious most of the time. When she passed, my urges were to resuscitate her again as I did before but didn’t. I too felt the guilt of not doing it for some time until I spoke with my GP. He said, that all the medical profession can do is cheat nature until the body can repair itself, but when we have done all that we can, we have to accept that nature is stronger and we cant prevent what will inevitably will happen. If I had resuscitated her, she may have fought it for a couple of hours, maybe a day but would be suffering as a result of it. So don’t feel guilty, we medically did all we could do and you did everything else including being with her so that she had a safe passage into a peaceful place in the knowledge that she was with you.
So don’t punish yourself for what you did or didn’t do, you did everything you could and more.
My wife had a very rare cancer that does not show any symptoms until its too late and it is inoperable and untreatable, in addition to this, she suffered septic shock which killed off her organs. This final stage was as a result of an operation to prolong her life which in fact shortened it, and at the time we considered that it was worth taking the risk. Again nature had other plans, so you could say I was part of the reason she died sooner.
I was told before my wife that she would not survive this and eventually the news was broken to her, this was awful, but what must she have thought? not ever seeing Grand Children, her family growing up, us growing old together etc etc, but she did it with courage, strength and complete selflessness. Such a great strength, and one which i try and show on her behalf by going forward in her memory with her in my heart.
Know, this didn’t suddenly happen, it took nearly a year to accept that she wasn’t coming home, but I knew I did everything I could for as long as I could.
I still suffer with 5 demons.
Guilt - I have nothing to be guilty about, but I feel guilty for carrying on, smiling, just managing to survive.
Betrayal - when I don’t cry as much, or don’t think of her every minute of the day.
Judgement - if I seem to get on with life without her in such a short time.
Punishment - all I want to do is push myself physically, deny myself proper food or sleep.
Trust - I keep away from women, as they will think I’m a predator just trying to fill the gap in my heart at any cost.
So we are very similar, but I have learned to work with them rather than fight them.
I have started to write stories about the good times we had and thread her through them. I’m writing about each of the 5 demons I have in an attempt to understand why I feel like that. Judgement is my first subject and I will publish that on this forum in a few days, it has helped me diffuse the felling. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel it, but it is less brutal to my head and heart.
Watching TV, well I’m the same as you and even watched the same programmes. Well I don’t watch much TV but when I do I watch things that she would have enjoyed, sort of doing the same but in a different way.
I have decorated our bedroom, but with the colours she would like, again doing the same but different.
I hate going to bed on my own, not for the reasons that outsiders would think, no just it hurts to not to feel her warmth, to cuddle, to wake up too, etc. So I cuddle cushions with a spray of her perfume, put a hot water bottle in the bed for warmth. Its not as daft as you think because subconsciously it feels like she is in there.
I watched After life by Rickey Gervase, 5 times and Disney Coco both thought provoking and helps you process the feelings of loss and the thought of a life after life.
Listen to the two songs from ABBA “I still have faith in you” and “Don’t shut me down” read the words and think of them as words from your wife. they suggest a different meaning. things like she is a different person, a combination of now and then, keep an open mind etc. Well you are a combination of now and then and the future and its your job to make sure that you bring your wife with you in your heart, by talking about her, remembering the good times, removing the threat of the bad times and keeping her memory alive for the sake of your family, her siblings your children and especially for you.
Open your heart to her and she will come, in so many ways. While you allow sadness and loss to block out the memory of her she will not enter your mind as a fond memory.
You need to do the journey with your demons, its only right, that’s grieving and the speed and and duration is entirely up to you, some days it will be better and you will feel as though you are getting better, other days you will go back, but that doesn’t matter, the journey and the pain is a reflection of your loss and will be hard to bare, but it is the natural process and in time it will make you stronger. your wife would expect you to be that way in her memory.
Its taken me a while to get to this stage, so don’t rush it or fight it. you will discover the difference between alone and loneliness, grief and mourning. they are all important and need to be endured.
You will want to live in the past and hate the future. Your loss will want you to fill the hole in your life, but you have the answers in front of you.
You cant live in the past or change it, you cant predict the future, so don’t try. Just live in the “now”
Don’t wish for the past or crave for a future just be grateful for what you have and that you have been given the chance to tell the world that you have had a good life with your wonderful wife.
Find a purpose, it might be trying to help others, a charity in your wife’s honour, keep your standards up, or your wife’s standards, they will probably be higher, especially when it comes to running the house.
Surround yourself with true friends and you family, they will help you with sincerity but most of all, don’t rush, the future will find you quick enough.
these aren’t the answers, they are things that have helped me, but sharing not hiding has been the singe most helpful thing that I have done and that’s why I can write and talk in such a way, but I stress, it has taken nearly a year.
I do sincerely hope that this gives you some hope but we all have to walk our own journey I’m afraid, but you are not alone, remember that.
My sincerest best wishes.
Mike
Mike,
Thank you , you always say what I need to hear, bless you. Chrissy3
Hi Chrissy,
We are all on the journey together and we try and help each other through our own experience. We have all become teachers of the most difficult subject. But we are in it together and that’s where strength can be found.
We have been blessed with life to carry the memories of our lost ones, we are the battle weary flag bearers that stand with our loved ones flying high and proud.
God bless them
Hi Mike you are indeed fortunate that you can express yourself and fathom out all your feelings with writing them down and thus helping yourself and others. Most men can’t do this, so I think you’re doing great on this rocky rocky road which is so full of ups and downs as to make us all dizzy in the process! Love reading all the posts on this thread as it helps a lot. Sheila.
Hi Mike,
I’ve read your words of support and understanding.
I wont comment right now, other than to say that our journeys are very similar.
Over the next few days I’ll read your post a few times, make some notes and reply.
If there are any other men who are reading these posts but have yet to reply, be brave, be honest and pour your heart out.
Nobody will judge you. Nobody will think that your’e weak. Everyone will admire your courage to speak openly.
Stephen.
Hi Redpoppy,
I may be able to express myself of sorts and understand a little about my feelings and indeed that’s odd for a bloke to be like that, but I’m hiding behind a pretty convincing mask with a load of demons that I can’t do anything but endure. Calm on the outside, but a living hell on the inside. I use my stories of the life we had to keep me going and that’s where I am fortunate as I have had a wonderful life full of happiness. The flipside of all that is the same as everyone else on this site, a miserable existence that you just manage to get through each day. There is no way of sugar coating loss but I do try and help others because that at least makes me fell that I have purpose. There you go, I’m on the same road full of bumps, its just at times I feel a little better and can cope with them .
I’m trying to understand the main issues affecting me with grief and loss such as: Guilt, Betrayal, Judgement, Punishment and Trust and starting off the series with my thoughts on Judgement.
JUDGEMENT
This is a difficult question to answer, in fact there is only one way to know for sure, but I have been trying to analyse the question, who knows, someone might have a better idea and can help fellow grief travellers out of this quandary .
There are so many phases of grief and they present themselves with different weight and in different ways.
It’s been about a year since I lost my wife, the children lost their mother, her family lost their sister and her friends lost their friend.
I don’t try to imagine or explain how other people feel, so these blogs are about my own feelings and attempts to understand them. We all grieve in our own ways, so I can’t say how to do it, as my grief will be different in many ways. What I can say is that we all have a common feeling, that of loss.
I have been improving slowly, or accepting and adapting might be a better way of putting it, but that doesn’t mean that I am suddenly better, not at all, more like I’m not hiding behind my mask as much and the mask I wear is more like what I am, as opposed to projecting what I want people to see. But I am still troubled with the 5 burdens, namely, Guilt, Betrayal, Judgement, Punishment and trust.
I have been trying to think about these and why I feel the way I do about them. They do influence me every day, sometimes individually and sometimes as a mob, however the effect on my direction of travel is normally to stop and go backwards or capitulate.
Out of all these Judgement and Trust are the greatest foes, so if I could understand them, or at least come to an equal footing, the other three might be easier to deal with.
So here goes, Judgement as I feel it. I sit here at just gone 11pm, scratching my head, slurping on a beer in the hopes that some sense will flow out my fingertips. There are many different ways that Judgement shows its face, one element is relating to the afterlife, another is how I feel that I’m judged by others and lastly how I judge myself
Judgement from afar by her
Why do I feel judgement? It’s a conscious guilt state formed in the brains cortex; it’s not a feeling that can be shared by others. It’s self-generated based on the morality of the subject and your emotional well-being. Its importance is driven by the need or desire to achieve it.
Physically it can’t be seen or monitored; it’s not like a heartbeat which can be artificially created, it can be seen as a neural activity but cannot be read, felt or understood by anyone or anything other than you, so it could be argued that your thoughts are only created in your mind from a living body and when life has passed, the ability to assimilate a conscious thought also dies.
Normally you live with the consequences of your actions and the judgement awarded you by those that think they know better. That’s because you can interact with those judging. You can stand or argue your ground in an attempt to justify why you did it.
When you have lost a loved one, it’s difficult to justify your actions to them, you can’t see, feel or gauge the reaction or gain acceptance or justify the reason. To make things worse, you don’t know even if it matters, there may not be a life after life. Your conscious may or may not arbitrate because if she can see what you have done, it may hurt her, then she will never forgive, you literally never. If she can’t see you then it won’t hurt her, so go for it.
This assumes that you think the same way in the immortal world as you do in the mortal world. But how can that be the case. In the mortal world, you are living and the body provides the means to think and act, but when your body has died there are no means to support thought, morality, consciousness.
Having said this, is your consciousness your spirit or soul? Are you a spiritual being having a human experience? And once your body has died your spirit is freed to transcend to another place?
Assumptions need to be made to try and get an answer to judgement and that involves theorising on events that seem to support the existence of a transcended spirit.
The afterlife signs
This will make no sense and no one will ever be able to answer it or actually know, but it still bothers me. This is a hypothetical scenario, just run with it, Carol has gone from this physical world, our lives, and that hurts, hurts hard, but I am getting more and more comfort from things that could be cynically classed as coincidence. If we consider how much is talked and written about things that happen, signs, noises, feelings, smells, dreams and so on and the fact such things have been expressed for millennia, you have to think that there might be something to it. Now I know this will be ridiculed by sceptics and supported by psychics in equal measure and I suppose that each argument has a counter argument, but it all boils down to opinion that neither side actually knows, so as far as I’m concerned it’s just a load of noisy neighbours with me in the middle. The coincidences are very focussed and poignant, for example, and I do have many, but this example is down to white feathers.
There are many trains of thought on this, they are heaven sent, a sign of approval, a way of letting you know that your loved one has successfully progressed to the spirit world, assign that you are on the right path and so on. I don’t want to trivialise any of these, and in fact it gives me comfort to think of these events as exactly that. I have four recent occasions of the appearance of white feathers. Firstly, a feather blew down and travelled along the pavement and rested on my foot. It was witnessed by my neighbour. It could have blown anywhere, at any time and any place, but it didn’t. The second was a few days ago. I have bought a new bike and went for a ride, a single white feather somehow got stuck on a single spoke on my rear wheel and made it all the way home despite the fact at one point I was cycling at 30 mph and it was a 12 mile ride. When I got home, I touched it and it simply fell off. The third time was my second ride, 17miles long varying speeds and in a different place. Yes another single white feather stuck to a spoke on my rear wheel and again just fell off when I touched it. A fourth feather was found stuck to the rear wheel on my third ride out. Different place different time different distance and was found at the end of the journey.
Coincidence or a sign to say that she is pleased I have a new bike and that I’m starting to feel better, who knows?
I have other stories and other bizarre happenings covering different items, and they all seem to be happening this month in particular. One was a message on my watch that I can’t find on any other connected device about a story I haven’t yet written, again witnessed by my neighbour and another where I needed to do something mileage wise at a certain spot on a certain day and by chance it happened within 4/10ths of a mile. Three double meaning songs have come out this month and randomly played at significant places and significant times, and the list goes on.
The point I’m making is this, if these are signs of Carol observing me from afar and telling me things in ways that have for time and memorial been recognised as methods of communication, then a bigger question now has to be considered.
What do I think will cause a judgement issue from afar?
Once again the fact I’m alive, I can think about what I want and use my sub-consciousness to decide if it’s ok or be judged. This can be split into two headings, “Affairs of the heart” and “Anything else”
Affairs of the heart scenario.
This a tricky contentious subject that may or may not have to be dealt with, If you were both alive, to have another relationship would be a sin in all senses of the word, if you were married, bluntly your vows would be broken, you would be judged by many irrespective of the reason behind your relationship failing. However, your vows said “to death us do part”, this we gladly gave to each other without understanding the meaning. You could argue that now I am a widower I am allowed to “move on” but our relationship was not failing; it was strong, nature had a hand in this break up, so we have never betrayed each other.
At this moment I can only offer one side to this dilemma, that of how I feel about it as I’m not seeking to change my widower status, but for the purpose of exploring judgement and giving balance, questions like this need to be investigated and “affairs of the heart” is probably the biggest moral dilemma to consider. Ask me in the years to come, well I might have another view, who knows, I would never had dreamt that I would be writing things like this a year ago, just shows how things change when you don’t expect it, so here goes!
Scenario: The “Moving on statement” say in years to come I chose to find comfort with another female “friend”. If Carol is communicating in a spiritual way, through signs or feelings you could argue that she can see what you are doing to some degree, why else would you get these signs. So if you were drawn to seeking female companionship, what would she think?
Given that your relationship hadn’t failed,
Q. Would she be happy as it was not your fault and you deserve to be happy whilst on earth?
Q. Would she be jealous or hurt if you did “Move on”?
Q. Would she never forgive you if and when your spirits met in the future?
Anything else scenario.
A less contentious subject buy still has moral dilemmas however, if you were both alive, you would probably re-negotiate these awkward situations as they don’t actually involve or threaten your relationship unless they are just done without consent, care or consideration.
Scenario. If I was faced with a decision that I would know needed a discussion as she wouldn’t like what I was suggesting. Once again, you are here and she isn’t, so the discussion cannot be had, therefore the decision is cast in stone at the point it was originaly agreed between you both.
Q. What if I broke a promise made to her, even for a good reason, would I be judged?
Q. Another example may be moving house, if I was to move from the family home and buy somewhere else, would I be judged for leaving our home?
Q. Supposing I bought a pet to keep me company, but refused her request when she was alive, would I be judged even though it would be good company?
Of course this all assumes that a spirit thinks as a living person thinks, but, as mentioned above, emotional consciousness is a product of a living, feeling, and seeing body, is the spiritual world the same as this world or in other words, does your immortal spirit feel, think and judge as the mortal consciousness feels, thinks or judges?
Roll reversal
Well this is even trickier as it is purely hypothetical. Does the immortal spirit have the same judgement reservations and fear what mortals would say to them. Or in other words, would I be able to forgive Carol for the scenarios above as and when we eventually meet.
So the conundrum is, if there are so many signs or communications that may or may not be coincidences, not searched for, but freely offered to me at random times, that are to my mind, clearly for me to receive. That then poses the question that some vison is possible from afar, otherwise why do I get them? These sort of signs / experiences are well documented and been happening for as long as time has existed so cannot just simply be ignored, in fact the thought of such an existence is of comfort romanticised by wishful thinking in an attempt to cling on to anything that makes me feel close to her or is just a coincidence and if so why does it bother me so much that at some point in the future in an immortal life I will be judged by her for my actions or inactions?
Conclusion
So what am I to conclude from this? Well the short answer is, at this present moment in time, I don’t want to challenge any of this, there are too many coincidences or signs and not enough scientific or psychic evidence to prove or disprove an alternative life, but if I was forced to take a side, well again at this moment in time, I would put the fear of judgement from afar based on the feelings and events that have presented themselves to me and put those in front of any thoughts I have. I realise that is not healthy, almost paranoid, but the fact I can’t form an opinion on the subject of spiritual judgement says it’s not time to even think about it. Yes a cop out I know, but it’s safe and until such time something happens, if it ever does, so I can hide behind this barrier despite what I feel about it.
Being judged by others.
The questions I ask myself are not easy! Being judged by others dips into a number of feelings and I think I have to remove myself from the current situation of loss and grieving and go back to what I actually feel as a person. Generally we all like to be liked, and I don’t think I’m any different. But what is important to me is I want people to see me for me, not for how much money I have, how new or flash my car is, the clothes I wear or size of house I live in. I’m just a normal bloke and have no interest in material trappings. People will talk about you regardless of all this, so why be bothered about it. However, it does seem to matter to me greatly when it comes to re-building my life after loss, I feel that I will be scrutinised for what I do and the time frame it is done, and the scrutiny will be different from each person, children, brothers and sisters, family and friends.
So why should this be different? Well I think it comes down to if it’s a “person” or “something else” that I’m being judged for. If it’s a “person”, then a number of factors will be chewed over and discussions had, most of which I won’t be involved in no doubt. The judgement will vary dramatically if it’s just an occasional liaison or a relationship of sorts. The judgement will be along the lines of the elapsed time, betrayal of the life I had, what opinions the children, family or friends had, have I forgotten the life I had, is it right or wrong to name a few. Some consideration will be given to what I want, but that would be secondary and of course what if it goes wrong, how much damage will be caused.
If it’s “something else” that I wanted to do that Carol didn’t want me to do, say a purchase, a pet, a move of house, the judgement would be short lived provided that no harm was done in the long term or the status quo isn’t rocked too much.
Conclusion
So how do I feel about being judged by others, well it’s up to me at the end of the day, I’m living this life and provided it made me happy and it did not trample on people’s feelings, hurt anyone, threaten the family, diminish or trivialise the happy life I had or ultimately forget Carol, then what’s the problem? If it was as easy as that hey? Well it isn’t it’s far from it and that’s why I feel I would be judged irrespective of time, need or suitability. So I will just let time, destiny and fate dictate my direction of travel and hope that whatever happens, it will be in the presence of those I hold dear to me so acceptance rather than judgement can be gradually given, but ultimately it boils down to if it’s a “person” or “something else” and whether I can live with my conscious and the judgement from beyond, by others and myself.
How I judge myself
Nothing is easy to answer as it largely applies to the way I feel, my conscious and what my head and heart feel; I may have a different view if these hypothetical scenarios were actual circumstances, but only time will tell. I tend to judge myself as others would judge me but include the spiritual judgement on the assumption that she can still form a judgement as we can in this life.
At this present time I have a number of barriers that prevent me from going forward with any great conviction, namely, guilt, betrayal, punishment and trust, so judgement interacts with all these feelings. In essence, I think of things as though she is here and therefore don’t cross any barriers as they would all hurt her, so I back away, even hide or keep myself away from any situation that would cause me to judge myself or be judged by others. This is mainly driven by the fear of judgment by her from a world that no one knows about. Unfortunately, this condemns me to the life I have.
Conclusion
So here I am, a year later, wiser, accepting the situation but at the same time still very lost. To be honest, for the first time in my life, I wish someone could make the decision for me. My head and heart both know the difference between being lonely and being alone, grieving and mourning. I understand that I am mourning and alone and will live with those for a very long time, but I still grieve and definitely so very lonely. I fear that judgement will keep me in this state, this I have grown to accept but out of all the feelings, loneliness is the biggest fear, and drags me into some pretty dark places which I have learnt to hide behind a convincing mask.
I have to be very careful not to confuse my mental and physical state by allowing any opportunity to remedy my loneliness. Although this would be the single most effective way of helping me get on with the life I have but it has to get passed the thick and tall wall called judgement. Perhaps all these reservations just go to prove that the time is not right to consider anything other than the “now”, the spiritual signs are possibly a confirmation that I’m going in the right direction but not to run before I can walk, there may also be a sign that she is going in the right direction as well?
I have been told that judgement is by one’s self and we will not be judged by anyone in the end if we have tried to be good and had a good moral life. So until I can get some sort of divine answer on life after life or approval by those living that may judge me and even my head and heart agreeing on what is acceptable, we shall just have to try and do what feels right in my own conscious.
It is important to me to share life’s experiences with friends, family or even make new friendships or a pet, and sometimes just with yourself. These will brighten your days and lift your spirits. It doesn’t mean that I’m trying repeat, replace or fill the emptiness in my heart, these are all part of me, and they are my history and have made me stronger.
Enjoyment will not cause a judgment issue, you might struggle with its friends, guilt and betrayal, but it’s not wrong to enjoy, things, company or just stuff! We are social animals and mustn’t lose sight of the fact that we all need someone or something to get by in life, but for the right reasons and in the right time. This is why I should just take each day at a time and instead of battling with judgement, use it as a tool to evaluate my trajectory, speed and eventual destination.
I know this doesn’t give a definitive answer, it’s impossible even the most informed, educated and wise people don’t know, so perhaps we are not supposed to know or understand for a reason. But I hope it goes to show the problems and the reasons behind judgement, and a little hope in how I’m trying to work with it and not fight it.
I have a lot to look at, so I intend to deal with guilt, betrayal, trust, punishment and loneliness. Who knows, when I get to the end of it I might find the answer or at least understand it a little better.
A very interesting read Mike. Very deep. Err, my brain hurts…
Sorry Crazy_kate
I’m just trying to sort my head out by looking at each demon. I’m working in the subject of Guilt at the moment and have a few more things to deal with. Sorry it’s a bit heavy, but I’m just trying to make sense of sorts.
Oh please don’t apologise Mike, your post is a good read. I look forward to the next one. I tried to make sense of sorts earlier on in my grief but not sure I achieved very much, however it’s something I needed to do. I think acceptance is key and I think I have now established some kind of friendship with my grief. Does that make sense?
Hello again Mike.
I’ve just posted this poem on another thread. Thought it fitted a tad with your musings…
I have a new companion.
It is my grief.
My companion is no longer within me.
It used to define my affect and effect my every perception of the world.
My companion is now next to me, accompanying me on my journey through life.
It is with me wherever I go.
It is with me while I live my life alone.
It is with me when I do my errands, and when I return home.
It is with me when I am with family and friends.
My companion no longer cries with its gut wrenching, soulful, woeful voice.
It is quieter, still present, and now uses a softer voice.
There, like a familiar companion, with me.
Always.
It no longer haunts.
It no longer causes excruciating pain.
It no longer renders me incapable of living my life.
It is just with me.
Quietly present.
Ever present.
I am mindful of it in the mundane day-to-day living when I feel my aloneness.
I am mindful of it in the darkness and quiet of the night when I am awake and feeling my aloneness.
My companion… no longer steals my laughter, and no longer deters me from moving forward.
My companion enables me to hold onto the past while I live in the present.
My grief.
My new companion.
I have a new companion
Crazy Kate
A beautiful poem, thank you for sharing.
Mike…wow a very thought provoking read, I look forward to reading thing to more.
Amy x
Hi - This is so very true, but so sad that we all have to accept this new friend in our life.
Hi Mike - Thanks for posting, this is very deep. I get what you are saying about being judged, but wouldn’t our spouses want us to be happy? I suppose if we believe they can see, hear us and send messages, then this come from a place of love? So does it matter what decision we make? I have often wondered if the concept of marriage exists in the afterlife, whatever that may be? Maybe we are just spirits who are all the same and there is no husband/wife, we are another loved one, like a deceased parent? If it doesn’t then how can we be judged by our spouses?
Hi Crazy_Kate
Sorry for the long pause, just struggling with things at the moment, life’s ups and downs as we are enduring.
The poem is a reality of what we must either feel or just hope to feel at some point. I struggle with things which are bearable sometimes and at other times I just want to run away from myself. The poem is true, but at the moment grief still taunts me day and night despite the flashes of optimism. Its a year in and sometimes I just feel its getting worse.
Thank you or sharing the poem.
Hi VIv3
I do agree that she would not want me to be miserable, and I wish my head heart and conscious would accept this as it would help so much to be able to consider companionship of some sorts. But the fact they don’t must mean its not time. I’m still in love with her memory.
Dear Mike
I’ve lost my way a little bit on the website, if I don’t come on for a while I forget things I’ve read.
At the weekend I had an accident and landed up in hospital, I had a fall outside my house and banged my head on the pavement I lost a fair amount of blood. It was quite frightening and it made me realise how fragile we all are, I have an only child grown up 28 it made me think how easily she could be left alone having lost her dad 11 months ago.
I have a head and face covered in cuts and bruises and I know my tetanus jab is out of date.
My husband had sepsis which led to him having heart failure and pneumonia.
My phone was smashed at the same time and as a consequence I am no longer able to access my emails. I’ve set up a new email account and have had to have a new name here. I was Meg 2. My husband set up my first email and the password will be written down somewhere.
There are so many things I want to ask him and tell him.
By the way it’s ok for men to cry why shouldn’t they? I know if I had been the first to go he would have struggled. I know of men who say they would rather go first than be the one left behind. Although I’m going through a very anxious phase at the moment. Where I live there is a 24 hour mental health line to ring it was set up during covid. I have used it a couple of times in the early hours when waiting for morning to come and night to end. I’m not sure it helps, they seem to sign post you or pretty much dismiss you once they know you aren’t going to self harm. I was asked why I had waited until Friday evening to call them when the GP surgeries are closed until Monday. I tried to explain that it took me days of shall I shan’t I then rang and lost courage to talk so rang off before the call was answered, the person on the other end said it was confidential and wouldn’t be passed on, but that wasn’t the problem, it was getting the words out to talk at all. I pointed out that it’s a 24/7 helpline. All I wanted was to be heard.
It’s not always easy to find a counsellor that you gel with.
Megan
It’s so hard isn’t it? My husband spent his life trying to make sure that I was happy and secure. I know for a fact that he would want me to be happy and live as good a life as I could in whatever way was best for me. Trouble is, my head might tell me that but, like you, my heart still says otherwise.