Thanks for replying. Yes it is and I do try. I’m always aware that I’m the odd one out. None of my friends have been widowed, so they don’t know what it feels like although sometimes they say they do!
My marriage was far from perfect and we disagreed about a lot of things, but we had known each other from being shy awkward teenagers, as we got older we enjoyed our own space too, but we still had that thing where you finish each others sentences or can sit in companionable silence. We had our own roles about the house and the garden. He wasn’t a gardener and it’s my passion, I always make a terrible mess and get covered in soil, he would rake and sweep without a complaint. Why wasn’t I grateful? Did I say thankyou? Probably not. If I could have that time back…
That word " cherish" in the marriage service is said probably without any thought as to what it really means.
After 11 months it’s just hitting me he’s gone forever.
Megan
Hello Megan,
I too feel like I’m the odd one out when with friends. It’s completely normal to feel that way.
I can recall sitting in the pub quiz staring at the empty seat in front of me and asking myself why Sandra wasn’t sitting there? It’s just so unfair!
Was any marriage perfect? We all had our ways that sometimes annoyed the ones that we love, and they did too. We’re all perfectly normal. We all have feelings. We all have our own faults. We’re all human.
We’ve all read Mikes words about guilt, betrayal, judgement, punishment and trust and no doubt we’ve all come to our own conclusions.
My own demon is guilt. Guilty about what I should have said, guilty about what I shouldn’t have said. Guilty about what I should have done…the list goes on!
“If we could have our time back!”…Wow!
This was brought home to me big time a couple of days ago when I found a letter written to me by Sandra some time ago. I didn’t even know that Sandra had written it…maybe she just left it in the drawer for me to find one day. Maybe Sandra was hoping that I’d find it whilst she was still with me? Who knows? What I can say though is that it made my heart melt…if only…if only!
Needless to say I sobbed my heart out!
See; men do cry.
My sister bought me a couple of books dealing with bereavement. I cant comment too much as the time isn’t yet right for me to sit and read them but the reviews are highly commendable.
Here are the details should you feel that your’e in the right place:
Both were written by Sasha Bates.
Languages of Loss (A psychotherapist’s journey through grief) £9.99
ISBN 978-1-529-31716-9
A Grief Companion. ( Practical support and a guiding hand through the darkness of loss) £14.99
ISBN 978-1-529-34360-1
Sasha Bates is a trained grief councillor who lost her husband suddenly and now has the ability to wear two hats…the hat of the psychotherapist and the hat of the grieving widow.
I hope that they help you find some answers.
Stephen.
Thankyou so much for that, and the book titles. My daughter might find them useful as her girl friend told me she is struggling. She’s been with her girl friend since August and only told her that her dad had died a couple of weeks ago, she has always bottled things up, just like he did. It was like getting blood out of a stone to discuss his worries. He was a complex man, but kind and affable.
I will never forget the first winter we met masses of snow and I lived in the sticks some ten miles away, he battled his way to see me in his clapped out mini that had no heating and a forever leaking radiator. He came across an old lady who had got stuck in the snow, he rescued her drove her in her car home, then walked about four miles back in the snow to collect his own car and drive to see me. Neither of us had land lines never mind mobiles, but I never doubted him. And my tough Victorian dad told him off for turning out in that awful weather! That was love.
Megan
Dear Megan1
I apologise for not replying, truth be known that despite my attempts at optimism, I still suffer from the same problems that all of us do. I’ve been on a bit of a spiral for a few weeks and having difficulty in responding or writing to or about anything, his week sees the first anniversary of the funeral, so although I’m not in pieces yet, I suspect it will come, but I couldn’t leave replies unanswered.
I hope you are recovering from your fall, it must have been terrifying, but no broken bones luckily. I’m not sure what life a tetanus jab has, I suspect we are all out of date. It was septic shock that finally decided the fate of my wife in the end, so no stranger to the effects of that as you are.
Smashing your phone is stressful in its own right without everything else you have had to deal with. Hope you have all that sorted out and used to your replacement. There are so many things, mainly small things, that I would normally tell my wife and when you cant have those little conversations, you very alone.
I tried to be “brave” as men are expected to be, but realised that you are actually stronger for showing your feelings. I never had any problems with that to my wife but that’s as far as it went. I found fighting it was just driving me further into desperation so decided to share instead.
GP’s do tend to either try and stuff you with pills as the answer and ignore you until you start making concerning noises and that’s worrying, how many people just say enough is enough and end things before the GP’s get involved. Its only going to get worse as its very difficult to actually see a doctor, eye to eye.
I don’t know who would have faired better with grief, we both depended on each other so it would have been tough for her, probably more so as she didn’t like driving and would have had to get rid of all my tools, motorbike push bikes etc etc, but i had made arrangements for her to sell the house and put in with my sons house to by a bigger house where she could have an annexe. Having said that, I haven’t done that, as much as the house is my prison, it’s also my safe place.
I’m in two minds about external help, I had counselling for 6 weeks, it’s stopped now and it hasn’t made me feel any easier but i am 6 weeks along the road, so the fact I’m still getting up and carrying on, must be an improvement.
I will hopefully feel better as time goes on, they all say that but we have the colder weather, short days, Christmas etc in front of us and for me, that brings another set of hurdles to get over.
I want to write encouraging things to those suffering, we are all teachers of this subject unfortunately, however, I need to believe it myself before I can sincerely try and show others how I have managed. Honestly, I want to make a difference otherwise what is all this hurt for.
I hope you continue to recover from your ordeal and apologies for not responding, but just as I don’t write back doesn’t mean that I’m not reading or feeling your loss, grief does allow empathy to grow.
Take care and do let us know how you are recovering.
Mike
Hi Amy49
Thank for reading, I wish I could find an answer to these demons. I’m trying to write about guilt and Punishment but Denial has reared it ugly head again and even though I know she has passed, it just doesn’t feel like it. I think I’m in love with her ghost as daft as that sounds.
I will sort my head out at some point, I think it’s just as it’s nearing the anniverasry of her Funeral.
Take care Amy
Mike x
Dear Mike.
Thankyou for your kind words. The bruising is going down and people have stopped looking, To be honest I don’t care what they think. I used to have a boss in Derbyshire who used to say “when people are gossiping about you they are leaving somebody else alone”
At first I thought I had signs from my husband in the form of white feathers, I have kept them all in a box on my dressing table. I haven’t had any for ages. Which makes me think he is at peace.
I am his mother’s Steward as she had to go into a care home when he died. I find it difficult to visit her bungalow where once there was happiness and laughter I always felt safe there although truth be told I didn’t get on with her that well. I feel as though I am intruding going through her things, my husband would normally have done this and I would have supported him. It’s a very lonely task. Her cardigan is on the back of the chair as if she is coming home. Her slippers were by her bed I’ve taken them to the care home, I didn’t go in to see her I just wept as I dropped off her things and the photo of my late father in law she kept by the bed.
She was also in the same hospital at the same time as my husband. She wasn’t allowed to go home because of her dementia. I truly thought he was going to get better and I gathered his jeans and teeshirt shoes etc to go and collect him. The doctor at the hospital told me he wouldn’t be needing them…this was the first indication he wasn’t going to rally round.
I found a bundle of love notes from my father in law to mum in law which will have accompanied birthday and Christmas gifts.
I also have a wad of birthday, Xmas and valentine’s cards from my husband, I can date them as he usually said from him and whichever dog we had at the time and then our daughter.
I have a new phone and have managed to save pictures and phone contacts Tesco sorted it out. I then went for a coffee with old and new phone and managed to loose the old one, which I forgot contained a copy of my husband’s streamed lockdown funeral. I chose The Beatles song in my life for his funeral and The Long and winding Road at the end. The funeral director found a recording of a steam train and a whistle which was played at the end of his Eulogy. He was a steamrail enthusiast.
I found a poem called The Last Journey by Timothy Coote. It was perfect it can be found on Google.
I seem to be rambling on about this repeating what I have said before, I think it’s because we are approaching the date he died I can’t call it an anniversary as for me that word symbolises joy.
I have decided that we will take him on his last journey on a steam train from Pickering to Grosmont on The North Yorkshire Moors and scatter his ashes. There is an ancient old bridge beside a stream within earshot of the steam trains. This will be his last resting place. Thanks for reading this time.
Megan
Typo time * was meant to be tome. Also he added our daughters name on cards before dogs names she was born 11 years after we were married.
Megan
Hi Megan,
Its such a hard life we are going through, emotionally its just a series of constant reminders that do nothing but knock you back, physically, its so tiring, but the fact we are here, we must have a purpose, and a job to keep our loved ones alive in our hearts. We must tell all those how proud and honoured we are to have shared such a lovely life, just because they are not here in a physical form, they are here in our hearts and minds and we are fortunate to have those memories I think.
Yes going through your mum in laws stuff will feel wrong, i had to do that for my mum and when she went into a hospice, she never came out. her house was just trapped in a time as though she had just popped out to the shops and to be honest, my house still has her shoes, coat and handbag hanging up, buy that doesn’t bother me as as much as it would if i removed them. its my life and I will choose the right time, if ever. I’m not going to hide or eradicate her from the house, it was her home, our home and still is.
My wife and I have done that journey many a time on that train all the way to Whitby. both Derbyshire and Yorkshire, both Dales and Moors where favourite places, we holidayed at Pickering and went to Rosedale Abbey every October, next week in fact, ironically,
My wife’s Funeral was on my Mums birthday and the time we used to go away to Yorkshire. There must be something in that. If I could go there on the that day I would, but I would need a hand to hold, but who knows, I might pluck up the courage. I will probably just go to my local church and sit and reflect, not that I’m religious, just its a peaceful place and I respect the place and what it symbolises.
I have my wife’s ashes and those of our dogs, we will all be scattered high in the Borrowdale valley in the Lakes, a job for my son’s but I have planned it all and written into my will and everyone knows.
I have so many cards and love notes, and silly keep sakes that are now priceless, so i will make a memory box up for all that stuff.
It is such a hard life we are going through, but we are the chosen. Thought are with you, glad your face is healing and i send you a virtual hug in the meantime.
Take care.
Mike
Hi Mike, we haven’t spoken and I am very sorry for your loss. It would have been my wife’s 67th birthday last Friday, she passed just over a year ago. I’ve found this forum a great support at times. I got very upset recently because someone asked me "was I getting over it yet?, as though it was a sprained ankle or some minor injury. I spoke to a friend who said to ignore some of those comments, after all, it is our grief, not theirs, but it is so very difficult. How do you deal with that sort of thing? What I do know is that since August 15th 2020, I have not gone one single day without feeling like I am on that emotional roller coaster, but there are more downs than ups. A good many points in your posts resonate with me and I wish you well. Malc
Dear Mike.
Thankyou for your post. You make sage comments…I think that’s a term.
I haven’t picked my husband’s ashes up yet. I tried once but I found there is no parking at the undertakers which is fairly central in York. I sometimes struggle to drive on the motorway, this last debacle has eroded my self confidence.
I will also scatter my last dogs ashes with my husband’s I never had ashes from our previous dogs. I have two small westie crosses now and they keep me sane…Ish. they too will join us.
Last night I went to a music gig in Sheffield with my daughter…my husband loved live music but over the last ten years of his working life he didn’t go to any as he worked punishing hours. Was it worth it I ask myself? I know now it was his way of fighting his demons. He always wanted to see Madness and never made it sadly. Tears came last night at the gig because he would have been dancing in his awkward out of rhythm way and my daughter would have been laughing her head off. I glanced at her a few times but she is hard to read.
I think when someone dies indirectly from the self neglect of mental illness and alcoholism some people think you don’t grieve and that it’s not a bona fide illness…it was just as hard witnessing my husband’s decline as much as it was my mum’s to cancer. One man I know said to me that it must be better for me now! I think he thought he was being helpful I’m a fairly forgiving individual so he got away with it.
sometimes I find myself trying to make the people who offer their condolences feel better about it. I think this is common.
We too liked Borrowdale but hadn’t been for many years.i have so many regrets about the things we didn’t do. Thanks for hugs and I return them.
Megan
Hi Malc,
Sorry for the late response, I get lots of messages which I tend to look at on my phone and then try to remember when I get in front of my laptop.
Likewise I’m sorry that we are having to talk and share because of our loss, so sincere condolences for the loss of your wife.
We like many on this forum are united in the understanding of heartbreak, grief, being alone and lonely etc. We are all in the same boat, some have only just made it aboard, some have been there for a while, we are all riding the waves of bereavement not knowing where or when we shall pass into smoother waters, but we are all together and can look out for each other.
I like you are having to go through a series of anniversaries, some will be new painful ones, the date of passing, the funeral, ones we never wanted to remember whilst others like birthdays, wedding anniversaries and such like are ones we have been through and celebrated but now just remind us that a passage of time has passed.
None of them are easy to go through, my wife’s funeral is later today (21st) which is also my late mother’s birthday and the funeral was held at the same place my Mother’s was. We went there as a couple for my mum and I have been there as a widower for my wife, a chilling reminder of how the cycle of life continues regardless of what we want.
I can relate to the statement “getting over it” I have my own business, largely scaled down to just me working from my workshops at home, but at the time I was with a customer and one of his staff happen to walk past saying he was glad to get away from his wife, he knew me and my situation and the fact it was only about a month after she passed but didn’t realise i was there until he had said it. I calmly said, you should be grateful that you have a wife and you wouldn’t say that to her face would you? an apology was swiftly given by him, and i should not have reacted but i did and would still do today if i heard someone complain about the life that they were lucky to have. I am less sensitive to those “heat of the moment” statements or “billy big nuts” bravado behaviours.
We will never get over grief, we are not supposed too. If you divorce all break up, you get over it, but in our case like those on this forum, our break up was caused by nature and not of our doing, so we were and still are in love but have been separated forever, so we are heartbroken and you don’t get over it or move on, we just learn to live with it over time.
You are no different Malc to me and many others, one thing that does make you different is that you are a man that is prepared to share his loss, and trust me, that’s not something that us blokes do, we are pre-programmed to not show or feelings, its a sign of weakness! Well it will be a brave man to tell me that I’m weak, the fact we do show our feelings makes us stronger in y opinion. But having said that, I did hide my feelings and went to some pretty dark places but luckily I didn’t go to the next step which far too many men do, and that’s to join their loved ones.
I battle with 5 things, Judgement, Guilt, Betrayal, Punishment and Trust. there are others but these are the main things. I am slowly understanding them, defusing them so I can live with them.
I have just replied to a lady in similar circumstances to me and tried to explain how i deal with grief its under my other post called The Anniversary Walk, have a search at that, it starts off with a story of a walk i did to mark our recent anniversary, it might help illustrate how I am dealing with things and you will see quite a lot of responses from people in similar ways.
I use walking and writing to help me but i still suffer the dark times as well. We have loved and loved giving and receiving love in return, so we are lost in so many ways without that. I am still confused about my feelings, are they real needs and wants or just desperate way to try and return back to a life I can’t have anymore, sometimes I think I know other times its clear that I don’t.
Time has taught me to try and understand my feelings, when to put a mask on when not, when to hide and make and excuse and when to go out and accept a meal, a cuppa and kindness, but the low days are often teary days and then I just shut the door and get through it as best I can. No rules Malc accept what you put on yourself.
keep in touch and thanks for sharing your story, its nice to hear from another chap in the same boat.
Not wishing to try and distract you but I set up a charity to help saves a life from the horrible cancer that my wife had. Don’t worry, I’m not rattling a tin at you, not at all, but I do have a blog page on there about my grief journey and some of my walking stories which might provide distraction at times. Please feel free to visit but also stay in touch.
I wish you well Malc, remember, we are all in this forum to help each other.
Take care
Mike
Mike, Thank you so much for your post. I found everything you wrote to be supportive, friendly and helpful. It can be difficult but I have found helo in talking with two chaps who have both been through grief and are a little older than me, I find both to be very able to counsel me in different ways. Luckily, I live in a small place by the sea where there are a lot of us helping each other. The thing that people have been kind with is listening and encouraging me to talk. When my wife and I were together, she was always the more sociable of us both, this has given me a legacy of friendship locally which has helped keep me going since. I think the pandemic has brought our community closer. Thank you again for your kind reply and again, my condolences. Malc
Hi Mike
Ive just been reading your posts… My grief journey…suggested to me by another member I’ve been communicating with.
Was just sitting on the shore watching the sea rolling in reflecting on all the happy times with my darling husband under the ocean here on our many dives.
2 years on now and I miss him more every day
Ive had counseling of all sorts, psychologist etc etc…all to no avail
Reading your posts and reply back and forth with other members has been Very thought provoking…topics I struggle with…afterlife…yes or no???
20 to 30 lonely years maybe looming ahead without my darling husband… terrifying
thought.
He gave a little plaque which said…No one could ever know me like you do because you are the only one that knows what my heart feels like from the inside…I cried with joy at the time…I look at it now and I cry because half my heart is missing.
Your posts have covered a lot of topics
Ive had some very dark thoughts…I took at the Ocean and wonder what it would be like to just put on my dive gear and just keep going down untillI narcosis kicked in.
Only thing that stopped me is that it would be a sin so if there is an after life where we meet our loved ones again…I wouldn’t be allowed too …my psychologist says this is a good thing as it means that l I have a survive mode.
I’m finding it so hard to accept that he has really gone forever…I have to believe that we Will meet again.
So I can understand your conundrum about maybe forming a new relationship somewhere in the future… something I’ve never even thought about…no idea how that would fit with an after life belief…Im not religious but I keep an open mind on such things
Ive had one or two interesting encounters on my walks,like the Stag I told you about Mike in a past post…I hope that you got the photo of him I sent you on Private message the other day
Ive come across him a few times now and wondered if It s some kind of sign.
Yes your posts are very thought provoking and have helped me more than the so called professionals.
I can see that your take on things have also helped others.
I hope that writing down your thoughts, feeling and battle to understand them is also helping you…I can see that you too are struggling.
I guess we are all stumbling around in the darkest of grief and trying to survive in our own way.
Unfortunately many people not in our position think that after a given period of time there is a Happy switch that just gets flicked back on… sadly not so
There are happy moments yes but they are just that… moments.
Time for a stroll along the beach and maybe a swim
Take care and thank you for sharing
A Hug
Christine x
Hi Christine,
Well its been a while since I posted on here, so thanks for prompting me to reply. I have been avoiding writing on this forum but I have written a lot. I might share a few stories as they are part of my evaluation of what I’m feeling but worried as my frankness might be insensitive to those that only just lost a loved one or having the inevitable difficulty in managing grief’s journey.
This will be a bit of a ramble I’m afraid, I’m seeking answers as to why I feel like this, as we all are. I feel I need to understand to help find peace or at least come to terms. I’m heartened to hear that some people read my grief journey and relate to it, but I don’t have the answers, just feelings as I walk the lonely road of grief.
The truth of the matter is that 2 years in, I have driven my feelings deep inside so that I can no longer be the person I want to be, I have become reclusive in the struggle to try and get used to being alone and more difficultly, get used to loneliness.
I find that whist I have grown to accept that she has gone I still seek her acceptance to get on with the life I have, Of course I can never gain her approval, but I need something to satisfy my the feelings of guilt, disloyalty and judgement. None of these are justifiable, they are purely self generated and conjured up in my own mind.
I know I am turning into a person I don’t like, I used to be confident, outgoing, bold, but now I’m the opposite of all those things and I don’t like it. I seem to see signs all over the place that I try and get an answer for. An example today for instance, I’m tidying up my garage, and came across my wife’s crash helmet, straight away I just remembered all the times we used to out on my bike and it suddenly dawned on me that she will never wear this again. I just held it in my arms and put it back on the shelf. A little later I moved her leathers and then decided to pack them all away in a box and store in the loft above the garage. In the process of trying to get the box into the loft it kept falling down as I was trying to get it up the ladder. In my mind it was her saying “don’t pack me away”, I would say its daft, but who knows? that’s just how hard it is a try to reason with your mind at times, the fact of the matter is that its simply a big box that I was trying to get up a ladder single handily, triggered by the memory of happier times, not an after life communication.
So 2 years on I still struggle with life and like you survive! I too have dark thoughts, especially when at a low ebb, but I’m not ready to chuck the towel in yet and like you the thoughts of 20+ years in solitude scares me. I also feel vulnerable and worry about health. that’s a two edged sword as well, I am healthy and very active, I’m losing weight, which is planned, swim 3 miles a week and go off road mountain biking around 100 to 150 miles a week. but knowing I am reasonably fit makes me feel that I’m wasting away the life I have! Why does everything have to be in conflict with what I fabricate in my mind.
I also worry about something happening while I’m alone at home. I was fortunate enough to attend to my wife when she had her cardiac arrest, that has caused me some problems, life saving on you own loved ones is nothing but brutal and leaves lasting effects. But the reality is that if it happened to me, that would be it, no life saving would be done until it is too late, something we all have to live with I suppose.
You mention “After life” , hmm that’s an interesting thing and a tricky one to explain my thoughts on. I used to think that signs like feathers etc are messages from afar. I now think a fallen white feather is just that, a feather, but now I see it as a chance reminder to think of her and nothing more, they are triggers not signs orchestrated from afar. The same as her clothes, places we have been, her motorbike gear for that matter, or are they?
So what do take from After Life, as I say, its a tricky one to make sense of as it always associated with your lost one in in another world, but it also about the one left behind. Swap the words round and it refers to the survivor, Life After, which has a completely different context. I’m trying to make sense of this, but I’m trying to think about the life after my loss and how I should think of it as my time after her life and the future.
This takes me into the field of permissions. Initially I had severe concerns, almost jealousy about the thought that my wife would be somewhere in a physical form enjoying a life without me. Would I give her permission to do that, well no I wouldn’t, but I now realise that this was just shock, grief and loss all clambering over one another to deny me the reality of her passing.
We none of us know if another world exists, religiously it is believed that an utopia exists, and we want to go somewhere like that on our passing, why wouldn’t we. Now I’m in now position to make any judgement on whether it exists or not, you take your comfort where you can, so believe or not, that’s your choice and yours alone and that decision should be respected.
So, if there is an after life, why would you want to leave your loved one in the same torment that we suffer in our mortal world in the utopian immortal after life? More recently I have given her my permission in my prayers to enjoy the life after, why would I deny her that, it would be cruel and unloving to be that way especially I have no control over that world. who knows, we might be as close as being either side of a one way mirror, but that’s a whole new story all together.
So how do I get permission to live my life after? I suppose it comes down to signs again, do feathers signify approval? A feather found whilst doing something that makes you happy, is that an approval? or just the fact that you can enjoy it without tearing yourself apart a form of approval? or is when you stop allowing Judgement, guilt and disloyalty controlling your actions.
In all honestly I am torn, I don’t like the life I have, so I need to change it, but to be the person I want to be means “moving on” as they say. That doesn’t mean I want to be in a relationship, just to be a happier person, not be trapped in this life that I currently have, not controlled by my mind games of guilt and judgement.
To clarify things, I have nothing to be guilty about, nothing at all. Judgement wise, well, that comes in three forms, from within, from others, form afar. Judgement from within, from myself, my conscious, is it right to move on with my life, Judgement from others, what would people say, and what right have they to judge, they don’t walk in my shoes. Judgement from afar, would my wife give me permission to live life after.
Nowadays, I choose to believe in fate, destiny and opportunity, all of which I try and offset against guilt, judgement and disloyalty. To be honest, I haven’t won the battle between them yet but I’m working on it. I suppose I’m chucking caution to the wind at times, to give another example, I was on my mountain bike and noticed a very steep slope and thought how difficult would it be to ride down that, it is steep and falling off would mean breaking something. So one day I decided to give it a try, when I rode to the top and looked down I was unsure if I would get down it, but thought be bold, take a chance. Well I did it, yes it was scary, but I managed it. The point I was making to my inner demons was you are not going to control me, I’m going to just go for it and bluntly, stuff you!
Recently I have been going swimming with a lady friend, a friend of some 20+ years but it took me many goes to actually go. So many excuses were given and the reason why boils down to a thought that I had that all women will see me as a threat. I am a widower and because I’m a bloke I’m boing to be after certain things, a replacement, a need to get back to the life I had and therefore cant be trusted. Sounds stupid, but its what I conjure up in my mind before I offer and excuse not to go.
So why do I hold myself back? Is it time? or is it my demons once again? is it that I don’t feel I have permission to live a life after? Or am I just not ready?. if I said stuff you demons, would I be more brave, if I stopped looking for permissions, would I be more bold, if I listened to my heart, would I move on?
Another theory is that I’m scared that if I was to enjoy life would I start to seek the comforts from a female friend and be rejected because of my thoughts of being conceived as a threat and rejection would be more pain so by preventing such encounters would keep me safe but being safe will ultimately deny me the opportunity to live a life after.
What a torrid pickle hey! I have written a story about Context, I might post it and the other day I just wrote down a poem of sorts trying to share my feelings, its over 40 verses long, all of which just poured out of me, I might post that as well, who knows it might strike an accord with some and if nothing else, it poses some questions and tackles some taboos which someone might have the answer that I’m looking for.
Good luck with he “happy switch” by the way and as for the walk, swim etc, well that’s what I do, mainly as we didn’t swim that often and never went out on push bikes, so I can find solace in those activities without stirring the demons within,
Well its 3:25 am so best try and gets some sleep! Thank you for the hug, another thing I miss so much and you take care and thanks for getting in contact. Keep well and safe and sorry its such a ramble, its what goes on in the whirlwind of my mind!
Mike X
Hello @Mikeh, your post is absolutely not a ramble, I read every single word, very well-written may I say. I found it very inspiring, and after 20 months being without my darling husband, I am also still having those feelings of asking for approval and permission, like you say. We did everything together, made decisions together, didn’t do anything without asking each other’s advice, approval, first. Now, after 25 years of marriage, how can I possibly be ‘allowed’ to go on, alone? Imagine taking away half of the engine of a car, will it ever start up again? No, of course not. I do have two grown-up kids living at home, but I feel useless and helpless now all alone without their dad, I don’t feel adequate, he was our rock. I was particularly touched when you talked about your wife’s motorbike helmet and clothing. My husband had always wanted to buy a motor but what with having two small children to take care of and so many other responsibilities, the years passed and he just didn’t think about it anymore. Then suddenly, at 54, he decided we deserved to start enjoying ourselves a bit more, doing things we had never had a chance to do before, now the kids are grown up and have their own lives to think about. So he did it! I must admit I was a liitle skeptical, a wee bit afraid of speeding along the streets on a two-wheeler. Then I began to love it, we bought all the necessary motor gear, everything. We live amongst the hills (Italy) and for two years (sadly, too short), we went for wonderful trips around our beautiful mountains nearby, then one day in November 2020, he just suddenly left this world from a heart attack, right in front of me and my son and daughter. What cannot I say?
Is there a God? Is it just cruel fate? I will never accept this reality, I’m not living a life, I’m surviving.Questions that will never be answered.
Sending you comfort and strength.
Bless you @Solost, thanks for replying and sharing your story. One thing we all have in common is the pain, the reality of now being alone and lonely, detached from the life and catapulted into a form of hell that we have to endure. So I understand all your pain, my story like so many others has been born from a unconditional relationship. Love is the common word used to describe the feeling, but it’s too smaller word for the real feeling, it’s almost beyond words. Your analogy of an engine describes the functionality of our existence, but it is so much deeper than that. I know what it feels like to not give it or receive it anymore, don’t get me wrong, I have children and soon to have grandchildren and I love them dearly and unconditionally, but it’s a different love. I miss all things from arguments, not that we had many to intimacy, another taboo subject, and something I’m trying to understand, and will write about it, because it’s all part of the process of loss.
In the next few weeks I will be experiencing a number of emotions, my wife’s birthday, our 40th wedding anniversary ( 50 years together) her passing, the day after my sons wedding anniversary and the birth of my first grandchild, something that my wife always wanted to have. So it’s a difficult time, like it is for everyone in this position. I have already seen my other Son get married, in Spain, where I had to step in for my wife and give my son away, I was torn so much between my need to do it as it was an honour and the sadness of not having my wife with me. My children where also torn between happiness and sadness and if my wife can see it, then she would of course be the same. So there is no getting away from this, it is a hard time for us all and at times it feels worse.
On the subject of motorbikes, well our story goes back 46 years, we did our courting on a motorbike, and only stopped riding for a few years as we simply couldn’t afford it, then we had children and I felt it was selfish to carry on while leaving my family at home but as soon as the boys were old enough or big enough I took them out on my bike, one has his own bike as do I and we go out together which is nice.
I’m so used to having her on the back of my bike especially the little taps and gestures that we used to use to attract each other’s attention, lately it was more easy with comms in our helmets so we can talk freely, but I still put my hand behind me to try and feel her, I like motorbikes, but my solo journeys are more forced than enjoyed.
We were childhood sweethearts and had a rough start mainly due to me not knowing how to love. We broke up three times but kept coming back to each other. We simply couldn’t find in others what we found in each other. Our final return to each other we just said, this is just stupid, we need to both works this out and make a proper go. And that’s what we did, for nearly 50 years. So love is not and adequate word for the life that we had and it’s the same for so many, that’s why loss is do hard to bear.
I wish I had the answers, as I want to find them for myself, I want to move on and make the most of what’s left, but in peace and bring our history along as a much loved companion. All that is on the other side of a window at the moment, I can see it, I want it, like a kid standing at a toy shop window wanting something he or she can’t have. The glass represents the barrier, the demons holding me back, but hopefully I will have that toy of sorts and because it will be hard earned, I will love it a lot more. Yes the love will be different it has to be, I will be in love with her memory, that’s my history and I will wear that badge with honour. We all have that badge, but it’s pin digs in our heart at the moment, but in time it will be bearable.
I do not know what the future holds, none of us do, we all know our pasts, and for the moment that hurts, our present is zombie like, but we are doing it step by step, day by day, do we have to let things be for the moment I suppose. Who knows what opportunities, chances or happy endings will come our way, time will only tell, but I do know, that I will not be fast and loose with my feelings or trample on feelings of others after all we all have history and that has to be respected. What will be will be, and if it feels right and makes us happy, then I suppose we are starting to win the battle against our demons and getting approval of sorts and then we can both let go knowing that that special relationship will always be in our heart and mind forever.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to reply and ramble, and hope you find peace and comfort along this journey.
Keep well and safe
Mike
Hi Mike
Looks like you are a night owl like me…some nights I don’t go to bed at all.
I doubt anyone reading your posts would think that you are rambling,it takes courage to write down your thoughts, emotions and fears let alone to post them
I for one am glad you did…sad that you too are going through such turmoil…it feels wrong to say its given me a little comfort to know that Im not alone in how I feel, Ive truly thought that Im going slowly mad.
When you say that you don’t like the person you are now, it really resonates with me
Numerous people have said Ive changed…I just want to scream at them…of coarse Ive changed how could I not have.
Ive always been the one people came to with problems or worries and I’m ashamed to say I just can’t be bothered anymore… everything just seems petty and I feel like telling them to go away …I don’t because I don’t want to hurt anyone…so maybe there is a little bit of the old me deep inside.
I guess when the worst thing that can ever happen happens to you… everything else just seems trivial.
Like you I hate feeling the way I do…I just don’t know what to do about it…my darling husband said once that he wouldn’t be frightened of dieing but he would be frightened of what it would do to me.
Its 2 year’s on now for me too and as you say it seems to get harder…maybe at first we are so numb with the shock… When reality starts to kick in comes the fear.
I always thought that I was a confident and capable person but now I realise that it was my husband’s love and support that made me the person I was,he had a way of making me feel I could do anything, now I’m second guessing myself all the time over the simplest thing.
The other day I was in the bank filling in a form when the young lady said Id ticked the wrong box…I should have ticked…widow…I just burst into tears.
I hate that word…I looked it up in the dictionary and it said… empty vessel…I cried till I hurt.
As you say there are all sorts of fears and worries attached to being without our soulmates…A while back my husband sent me the song soulmate by Josh turner …Ive been listening to it a lot lately…he was always sending me songs to my phone.
Its a little sad that you’ve changed your mind about the white feathers attached to your bike spokes…I thought it was a lovely thought to have … anything that gives a little comfort is worth holding on too
I’ve been thinking about what you said about being wary of people.or other people’s perceptions …I guess that’s a huge topic that I’ve not given any thought too.
But anyone who carers about you should be pleased that you have the company of a friend when you go swimming male or female.
I can understand your concerns… people can be unfairly judgemental and finding ourselves on our own makes us vulnerable to that.
I hope that you Will continue to write your thoughts especially if it helps you and that you will post them when you feel able…also your poem
Its the early hours again…it will be bright again soon…hate night time most of all…was always my favourite time snuggled up safe and secure in hubby’s arms…Id get a gold medal for wishing
Take care and a hug
Christine x
Hi Christine, yes a night owl, but not through choice, The last thing you said is the reason I don’t like going to bed. All our lives together we cuddled in bed, and not just bed, we were very tactile, we were always either leaning against each other’s , hands or in each other’s arms. It was just natural and brought great comfort. When I go to bed, I turn her pillows round and go to sleep cuddling them. Not all the time, but when I can’t sleep, it does the trick.
There is a film with Robert Redford and Jane Fonda. I’ve watched it time and time again and I hope in time I can live a life like that. Yes, at the moment it feels wrong, but it’s a lovely thought and would probably be enough. If you get a chance to watch it, give it a go, it’s on Netflix if you have it.
There are so many things that you touched on in your reply strike an accord as you said last time “ half and engine” well when you are the Ying to their Yang you are whole, you can speak without words as you both know what the right move is. Conversations are had through interlocking sight, a simple gesture it’s just a perfect synergy of like minds bodies and souls all working effortlessly in union. Even when we were apart we seem to know what we were doing and the best thing was, it was natural, normal, we just did it without any conscious effort. I was very confident, Carol was cautious but together we pushed and pulled so well that we had a life of fun.
I am a romantic, spontaneous gestures were a norm for us. Poems, hand made gifts, surprises were all things we just did, yes mine were more elaborate, but she liked that, I think it made her feel special, and that’s exactly what I wanted to do, she was special.
I always said that I was born in the wrong time, who knows, I might be a reincarnation from a time past, this might be an afterlife? Especially as there are so many coincidences in our life, but I conduct myself as a period gentleman. Victorian ways of sorts, she was always on my left so my sword hand was available to protect, opened doors, put her first, defended her honour etc etc, that was my job and what I signed up for and she could rely on me for all that. Another example of us working together as you touched on yourself when talking about your life with your beloved husband.
I share your same feelings, things are just not the same when you haven’t got your other half!
The can’t believe bothered it things being trivial are normal. I think when you have faced loss head on you do change, you have to but don’t want to, that’s part of the problem, you are thrust against your will into an alto ego version of your former self, it’s unnatural, you don’t like it do hanker for happier times, that’s normal and flares up especially when decisions have to be made.
I find I get forgetful, easily confused or flustered and just put things off because in your words, they are trivial, so yes, in agreement with you on that.
I don’t cry that much nowadays m, I’ve hardened myself but that’s not a good thing. Surprising your emotions, especially for a bloke, makes you hard hearted.
The word widow widowed widower are horrid terms and socially stereotype you. It’s I bit like when you go shopping and have a typical single persons shop moving along the conveyor, I can almost hear what the assistant is thinking “ are poor chap” etc I also don’t like the way you have to give up your married status, no longer a husband or wife, you are legally a widow or widower. So I can fully understand your feelings on that subject.
Anyway, I could write for ages but it’s half past 3 again and my phone is nearly flat, so I best turn in.
I hope you gets some sleep, see if you can find that film and I will continue this conversation a little later
As always Christine, my thoughts are with you, keep strong, safe and well and I send you back a hug, we all need them don’t we.
Night night.
Mike x
Hi Mike
Ive just finished watching…our souls at night…
Gosh…Bit of a roller coaster of emotions…I started of feeling sorry for them then I thought the developing interaction of 2 vertural strangers quite touching then I felt sad for them again then finally really happy for them that they had developed an ease and comfort in their relationship.
Thank you for suggesting I watch it…very thought provoking
I read somewhere that grief is love with nowhere to go…and to get relief from grief we need to find some form of love again …makes sense maybe…I don’t know.
Sounds like we have both been very fortunate to have had similar very loving marriages
So are missing the same things from opposite sides
My husband too was a real gentleman, for over forty years he was the same on our last day as the first and I can honestly say I loved him more everyday and he showed me he felt the same.
He used to say I was a collector of waifs and strays,2 legs,4 legs,wings,scales what ever, so it was his job to protect me and make sure noone took advantage… … But then when you are happy and content in your own life its easy to try and help others who are not.
When Id come home telling him about someone’s problem
He’d always laugh,give me a cuddle and say, please never change …so I know that he’d be Very sad to see how I am now.
Its as you say When we suffer such a huge loss it changes how you see the world…it becomes a very sad and frightening place.and anything involving any kind of decision becomes a major hurdle.
I’m still at my mums house in the UK as that is where Peter left, and I can’t bear to move to the house we were renovating to be our new home without him… I have to decide what to do with it…
Came down here to see if it would help me decide… nope it hasn’t.
Did you ever manage to get the box of your dear wife’s motorbike things in the attic…I can understand how hard that must have been,I can’t bring myself to move anything. everything is just as he left it.
His dive gear is hanging next to mine ,I went for a dive the other day but the enjoyment has gone…it was our passion we’d go 3 or 4 times a week. ,…wed fin along hand in hand …maybe one day I’ll feel differently but its too painfull right now and its not something you can do half heartedly,
Why is everything so hard…I just want to feel normal again…this is just existing with an empty space next to you.
Even when I go walking I don’t know what to do with my hand where his should be,the little squeeze from his hand as we walk along.
Its the loss of all these little loving gestures that we yearn for isn’t it.
We don’t have a TV here and we always found in funny when people asked what we do of an evening then.
We were Happy just snuggled up on the balcony chatting or quietly star gazing.
Its like you said its enough just simply being together
Anyhow Will close for now…hope you don’t mind my chatting
Take care and a hug
Christine x
Hi Christine,
Glad you found that film, it’s full of mixed feelings but I think if I was free of my demons, I would like a no fuss companionship like the had. It would tick a lot of my comfort boxes and would give me a purpose. It’s something perhaps down the line, plus I have to meet someone and that’s a bigger hurdle to cross, but it’s a lovely thought.
Your comment about grief being love that has now where to go, that’s a thought, I can feel another poem stirring inside but I need to explore that thought first. Thanks for sharing that.
Yes I think we both had a loving unconditional relationship with our respective soulmates, the beauty was its effortlessness, just natural, heartfelt with a desire to please one another in everything we did. At that’s why it’s so hard to survive alone, it worked because we were in harmony, mind body and soul.
Nothing wrong in my mind being a gentleman to his wife, I wish I did more and showed my appreciation more for the things she did in the background to keep the machine running smoothly and reliably. Boy do I realise how much it takes to look after hearth and home and yourself, my view of what she did has elevated her to being an angel in plain sight, all blokes could learn a lesson from not taking things for granted regarding their loved ones.
I understand about leaving things as they were left, I struggle, I need to decorate, but it doesn’t seem right as I can almost hear her say, “ you couldn’t do that when I was alive so why now” she wouldn’t say that, but it doesn’t seem fair she can’t enjoy the spoils.
I’m ex building game, and we always looked at places that were do a uppables, in the full knowledge that I would have loved going from ground up to make our bolt hole somewhere. In fact she used to say about our home, how come you do up everyone else’s house but ours! She was right of course, but I can’t change that now so have to live with the problem of fixing up
My own house which in the process removes what she was used to.
I no wish I could advise you on what to do, I often think about buying another place somewhere, a little 2 bed bolt hole, but I would be as lonely and alone there as I am here, so what’s the point in spending all that out to not be able to live there on my own.
I also understand about the diving gear, your diving alone is the same as my motorcycling alone, both require concentration but at the same time you are just going through a process and not enjoying it.
Having said that, I did by a wet suit today, it didn’t fit so will need to take it back, I want paddle board and wild swim. I have a problem with all these pursuits though, I gave my promise to my wife that I wouldn’t do anything dangerous on my own, wild swimming, paddle boarding and hiking are things that she needs I would do, but not on my own, I won’t break that promise but I need to find a way around it.
Tv isn’t important either, I much prefer the times when she just leaned against me on the settee whilst I played with her hair or rubbed her feet, we would just be silent or listen to music. Oh how I mis the hand to hold that’s mine to hold, the cuddles because it was our way of bonding and the unrehearsed kiss stollen just because we wanted to and could, inside or out day or night, the simple things that are priceless.
Sounds like we found so much it our partners and have lost so much as well.
Oh well, they are never to be repeated but who knows, in time, we both might find our souls at night.
Oh by the way, chat as much as you like, on here or message, it all helps doesn’t it.
I hope you have had a good day. Take care and a hug back. X