MY GRIEF JOURNEY

Coping with bereavement
101

Hi Christine, “Layers of grief” is a good analogy indeed, I will use that if I may. We don’t see them until we experience them do we. I suppose the layers exist above and below us each day, or even behind and in front of us also. I could write about each and every layer in context to my grief journey, but so can all of us can’t we. I think the points you have raised are absolutely spot on especially about the loss of ourselves, I have never thought about that until now, so thank you, that’s an important point well made.

I also owe agree with about owing to the memory of our lost ones and the those with us now to carry on and the keep the memory of the ones we have lost alive through the things we do.

This time of year is hard, the cold, the short days and changes in season all make us think of the warmth and security that we had in the past. The thought of Christmas looming crushes me. I’m already looking for excuses and reasons to run away from it all, I did last year for 10 days, roaming around the country living out of Travelodge’s and Premier Inns until the season had past. This year it won’t be so easy, have a granddaughter, so I must act responsibly and less selfishly.

I bet you do feel cold over here but if its any consolation, I’m still wearing shorts!

Yes early hours again, so going to make a cuppa and turn in I think.

Keep safe and well and a hug back.

Mike xx

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102

Hi Mike
Sending you a hug, there are no words for such Anniversaries
The Gyorgy skulpture comes to mind…I hadn’t thought about it again since the day I took the photograph untill you mentioned it.
Standing there hand in hand with my lovely husband all wrapped up in my love and happiness, to be honest all I thought at the time was that it made a striking photograph
Only now do I understand and appreciate the sentiment behind it…I see me with a great big hole through the middle.
If anything I write provokes a thought that is helpful then I am really pleased, I guess we are all just scraping around trying to make sense of our thoughts and how they make us feel aren’t we.
we are a bit like a jigsaw with a piece missing and nothing can ever replace that unique missing piece…I know that people mean well when they feel that they need to try and “fix us” … but as with any thing with a irreplaceable piece missing we can’t be fixed…all we can do it try to learn to live around the hole and like anything that needs to be mastered,it takes as much time as it needs which will be different for each of us…some days me manage to avoid the hole and others we get pulled right in
I doubt that you would be wareing your shorts up here today, its bucketing rain and blowing a gale…my hubby was the same he’d ware his shorts vertuly right up till there was frost on the ground.
Christmas…Gosh…yes I know exactly what you mean ,the desire to just run away and hide for self preservation, versus family pressures…so many things that we used to love have turned to hate… sadly my darling husbands passing, funeral and birthday…all just days before Christmas…I can feel the tears just writing that.
Yes your new baby grand daughter adds a whole new dimension for you this year.
Can’t sleep so of to make a pot of soup to pass the time…my hubby used to joke that he could stand his Spoon up in my soup… that’s the thing isn’t it…every little thing we do leads back to our lost loves
Night night…I hope that your writings are helping you with your thoughts as much as they help those of us reading them
Take care and a hug
Christine xx

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103

Hi Donant
Yes this group allows us to safety express our feelings without judgement, we are all on the same unbearable journey just on our own individual paths.
Like you not having children all our focus and love was on each other, then suddenly… nothing… it’s like my heart is about to burst with all the love for my darling husband with nowhere to go.and it’s like Ive had a personality transplant,… gone from sociable and confident to wary of everything.
I guess when we lose the love of our lives and soulmate we lose ourselves aswell.
There’s a song called “soulmates” by Josh Turner my hubby sent it to my phone a while back…its only now that I’ve really listened to every word…I play it over and over and the tears roll.
Its like a bomb has gone off in our hearts isn’t it and we are scraping around trying to find a way to carry on living for the sake of our loved ones.and hope to find ourselves again along the way… that’s all we can do…
Christmas… can’t bear to think about that… too many anniversaries around that time.
Yes the nights drawing in are a dread for many of us… Autumn used to be a favourite time… Snuggling up cosy together…so many things we used to love have turned to hate now.
I keep telling myself that my darling husband would hate to see me the way I am, he loved life so much and I owe it to him to find a way to live the life he lost for him now… just don’t know how yet
Well its nearly morning so Will close
Take care and I hope that you too can find your way to carry on for your dear wife
A hug
Christine

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104

Thank you…………that’s a lovely song…….in my wife’s funeral we played josh groban ‘ where you are ‘, have a listen to that, take care

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105

Oh my thank you for sharing that…what a beautiful song…makes the tears roll… lovely to think if that could be true…all we have is hope.
I hope that you are finding something to help pass your weekend…time does drag so doesn’t it
Take care
Christine

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106

Yes it’s a lovely song, sorry if it upset you……….I hate the weekends, I’m just sitting here on my own wondering what to do, that’s when my mind wanders, and gets me all worked up!!!..…….loneliness is awful isn’t

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These songs cause emotional tears…its not upsetting in the conventional way is it…if that makes sense…I find myself listening more to the actual words of a song now.
Yes the weekends and evenings are the worst,its a mixture of not knowing what to do and not wanting to do anything or go anywhere without our loves…its a never ending circle.isnt it.
As I said before I just walk my legs of to get out of the house…walking you can just lose yourself,I find myself talking to my hubby,pointing out things I’m seeing…sounds mad I know but in a way it’s like taking him along with me… there’s never anyone around where I walk anyway so no-one to think I’m some kind of mad woman with an imaginary friend… not that Id particularly care…
Sorry that you are feeling so lost…wish I could come up with a suggestion for you, sadly there is no off switch for our thoughts.
Its been bucketing here all morning but its dried up now so time to put hubby’s cosy puffer jacket on and go for a wander
Take care
Christine

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108

I do that too. Talking to my husband when I’m walking and when I’m driving, as if he’s there beside me. I don’t know about you but I’ve become less weary of other people’s opinions of me. I Just say what I think, even if it isn’t appropriate, I seem to have become less patient, less tolerant. Even silly things like waiting in a long queue at the supermarket till, while the other cash desks are all closed, normally me and my husband would just mutter to ourselves and other customers, complaining about their inefficiency. Now I start huffing and puffing out loud and I have to grit my teeth and try hard to stop myself from starting to scream at someone to come and open another till. Even on the phone when trying to sort out official monotonous stuff, I get impatient and aggressive, have to say though, this works when you need to get answers quickly.

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109

Hi, yes, I discovered that song not long ago and it really is so heartwrenching, it’s just impossible not to cry your eyes out. At the moment I’m practicing it on my piano, a hobby me and my husband started together, hoping to carry on for him, even though it hurts so much without him.

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110

Yes I guess when the worst thing that can ever happen to us happens…the loss of the love of our lives…this can’t fail to change us.
Sometimes I feel it’s like a personality transplant… everything becomes futile…Ive learnt to pick my battels and can’t be bothered with petty squabbles
Yes our outlook on the world is very different now
Take care
Christine

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111

Hi Mikeh - I have been reading some of this thread this morning - incredibly thought provoking and I probably need to read the opening post again as so interesting and poses many questions which I have thought about and I am sure resonates with most of us in this sad position.

I lost my amazing husband at the beginning of July so it is only three months ago and I miss him constantly. He is never out of my thoughts . I talk to him when driving and at any time really. Sometimes the grief is overwhelming.

But your point about “coincidences” stuck a chord in particular, there have been so many that I have experienced that I have to hope they are more than just coincidences.

Sandra x

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Hi Sandra,

Sorry for the late reply, like all of us, our strengths and weaknesses ebb and flow like the tides so I tend to write then just take stock of how I feel then write again.

I’m sorry that you have lost your husband and truly understand like so many of us here the rawness of the feeling of loss, heartbreak and physical helplessness. I write so many words about my feelings, 10’s of thousands and to date I still cant put how you feel down in words.

Its just awful, and I know how you feel. We come from different places but unified in grief.

The main reason I have been quiet is that this time of year is hard, many anniversaries to deal with, which unfortunately you will go through as well. You are not alone when it comes to them, we have endured them and come through them. So please just do the best you can when that happens and share if you feel strong enough, I did and still do and have written about them as well.

Writing is a big part of my life now, especially at night due to the insomnia and shear emptiness of the bed at night.

Its been just two years since I lost my sweetheart, so third year now, and to mark this passing I have been writing a story about my grief journey so far. It covers all sorts of things I have been through, the bearable, the bad and on reflection the good. Its some 12000 words so far and I’m still writing. It helps me to see the progress and the denial I still endure. One thing I have learnt, you do endure this pain, yes its hard to see that and I didn’t ever think I would ever say that, but I am better than I was in some ways but have a long way to go on a rocky path. I’m no different to anyone else on this forum other than I a bloke that actually sees a strength in opening up how I feel and with family, good friends and this forum, I’m surviving.

My story will probably be to long to publish on this forum but I hope to share it some how, as even I can see that I have improved and I hope that others can see it in themselves in time.

My sincerest thoughts are with you, just keep safe and trust in time.

Mike x

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@Cjs126

Hi Christine, I hope you are keeping well and safe, apologies for the message drought, I am writing a long story about my past two years, probably too long to post, but just wanted to say that I hope things are as best they can be for you and I will pop up again on the forum in a little while, just a dodgy time of year and need to get the feelings out into words on paper while they buzz about in my mind otherwise I wont sleep at all!

Take care and hugs as always x

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114

This weekend has been tougher than usual, I’ve tumbled into a rut with nothing but sadness and disbelief as company. I’ve literally forced myself to do stuff and found any excuse just to stop. Music had been my companion but also my enemy today, lots of tears and feelings of “what’s the point” Just goes to show that no matter how tough you think you are and how well you think you are doing your resilience is paper thin. Do we ever get passed this or is it just something we have to get used too? if so, I’m getting tired of it! I need a break from this constant self implosion and the constant feasting of my heart mind and soul from these demons that stop me from seeing a hopeful future. I normally feel strong about this and and can write pages about my journey, but griefs quicksand is getting hard and for some reason, this weekend, I’m struggling to keep clawing myself out. when will this end!

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115

Hi so sorry you are feeling like this . I like to read your posts they are usually positive . Well as positive as they can be . It has only been a year without my husband . But I do think these feelings we have are with us forever . No matter what we do or how hard we try . That wall just hits us again and again . We just miss our partners and our life we had and also the future we expected to have with them . How could we not the love we have for them gets more and more each day . These dark and dreary days don’t help much either . Hope you find your strength again xtake carex

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Hi, Broken 2222, thanks for replying. Its been building up for a little while I think, its all about triggers, a subject I have been trying to write about, in this instance it was it was to do with going home after a few days work. The thing is I have retired but do still have some customers that I work for. I mainly work in my workshops but in this instance I was working at the clients factory. I have had this client for some years and used to working on the equipment at his site and then going home to the wife. Last week I went in to the clients factory and did the work I was contracted to do but this time I went home to an empty house. I thought I was getting away with it but clearly not. The weekend was the straw I’m afraid, normally it would be a time of rest and recuperation and pottering about together like any couple, but this time it was just me coming home on a Friday and then shopping etc but more conscious of the fact that I am alone and lonely and carrying out duties of necessity rather than pleasure.

I’m am writing a story on the last two years, probably to long for this forum, but covers triggers as well as loads of other symptoms of grief and the hard journey that has been travelled, but we are none of us strangers to that are we.

I’m sure things will be ok, I have a break of 7 days before I go back, but then I will see if I have I have learnt anything from this chapter from my grief journey.

Thanks for responding, we are both new to this life and I’m not sure what the future holds, I just hope some peace is found for us both and all those that walk with us on this crowded but lonely path. Take care, keep safe and well x

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Hi thank you . Like I said I like to read your posts . They are positive and carming to me , in this non exsistence of a life . I understand about the work and going home and your wife isn’t there . I don’t live alone I have a son + living with me . But when I finish work and walk through the front door . It hits me all over again , that husband won’t be following me in . And we can chat about our day . We didn’t do much on a weekend but we did it together . All these small things add up to one enormous loss . Hope you do find your strength again . Not only for you but I’m sure there is a lot of people who benefit from reading how you are dealing with your grief . Especially me . Hopefully rest a little then get back on that journey none of us wanted to be on . Thinking of you xtake carex

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118

Oh Mikeh… …“griefs quicksand is getting hard …I’m struggling to keep clawing myself out”…21 months on for me since I lost my darling husband of 40 years and I’ve been EXACTLY the same this weekend.

I have fantastic, supportive friends and family but I have still found myself in the depths of despair.
Like you, I normally feel strong but I’ve been desolate.

I think it must be the onset of winter darkness, and also the constant bombardment of bad news on the TV, radio and our phones.

We have to go on for the sake of our departed spouses, we have to, and we will. Optimism is always just around the corner. A robin in the garden just now has reminded me of that. My little cat snuggling into me reminds me how my husband used to say cheeky things to me then say “she said that, not me”…haha

Losing our soul mates is such a difficult, difficult journey. I’m wishing all of us who are travelling it peace and strength and much needed love.
Janey xx

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119

Hi Janey S

We are both at similar points on our journey, we had 39 years of effortless marriage and never stopped growing our love for each other and enjoyed the life we had in every way. We were adventurous beyond our capabilities but we had a love of life the outdoors no matter the weather.

I think you are right about the change in season, the thing is we loved autumns palette of colours, the cold, the snow it all in fact and spent many a holiday in the hills and mountains immersed in natures wonders.

So as we face this time of year I miss that I can’t go away and see all this with the same eyes and warmth in my heart. We were very tactile, always hand in hand, arm in arm, a pair or archetypal love birds. Often when we were out we would go out to pubs with roaring fires and have a warming dinner in readiness of our wintery wander home, where ever that happened to be at the time.

It was gone 3 this morning before I went to bed, I was tired but an empty bed, has no attraction especially when it’s getting colder. So I’m just sitting in there at the moment looking at the empty space where she used to lay and reminded of the habits that we use to have. My wife used to go up first and then I used go up after I locked up etc, she would complain about how cold I was but still want me to “spoon” as we had every night, the usual grumpy exchanges about hogging the bed, the kiss good night and game of who’s turn it was to get up and make a cuppa in the morning.

I’m sure I’m not the only one that looks at the empty bed and misses each and every moment whilst staring in disbelief at the cold reality of the thought “this is what it is”

The nights drawing in feel so long already, yes the news isn’t good, I don’t watch it anymore, I have enough sadness in my life without filling my worry bags with stuff I can’t change. It fills me with sorrow to think that so many are just embarking upon the grief journey at worst or having their lives turned inside out by wars, being displaced through the actions of others or pandemics.

Why does life have to be so hard for so many? So I don’t watch the news, it’s no help to those suffering or struggling with just getting by.

Yes we must carry on, but it’s not easy, the demands on our resolve are great, ever changing and relentless, but here we are, surviving zombie like, going through the motions of life lost in the familiar places. A sort of time lapse where we are in slow motion but watching the world in fast forward.

The shops are filling with seasonal goods, conversations are steering towards the big day, the visits are being mapped out and present plans being drawn up. For me, I want a quiet Christmas, in fact last year I spent it on my own, not as a martyr, more self preservation. I will do something different this year, but my request for “no presents for me ” has already been floated, I’m not a hum bug, I just don’t need anything or want to sit opening up things when I can’t give presents to my wife, another little game of pass the parcel between each other as we sat in our dressing gowns, yet another memory.

So this time of year, the horrible news, change in weather doesn’t help, coupled with our emotional instability that just keeps us in a rut which we just about manage to climb out because of necessity not choice, but here we are, carrying on the best we can, re-inventing ourselves and donning a mask of normality complete with false smiles and enthusiasm as we chalk up another season.

We have loved and lost so have earned the right to do what we want, for as long as we want with whoever we want and supposedly free, but in reality i don’t want to do anything , with anyone and anything other than free.

Once I have adapted to the season, put the anniversaries of past enjoyed events behind me, like so many of us, will make some progress in griefs game of sakes and ladders, the dice has to roll in our favour at some point , we just have to wait our turn.

I wish you well on your journey and sorry about my less than positive reply, but we all have those days I suppose, but we all know we will get through them, just not the way we want to.

Keep well and safe, warm and thanks for replying. It all helps to know that we are not alone. Xx

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120

Missing cooking for someone, pleasing someone… I understand most of where you’re coming from . I hope maybe one day you find comfort. In all honesty from what you say, I hope you find the Lord, sounds like he’s knocking at your door. :blush: there is too much in your write up for me to remember & I don’t know what charity you work with but anyway , there’s nothing wrong with the term companion. These sites I fear bug me to death, because so many comments match & people would benefit from friendship with that oerson/ meeting up etc very few live groups exist. AGE UK starts at 50 for events, voluntary help, hour or so companionship etc funny thing is people probably live round the corner from who they are communicating with. I am learning ( as much as I can, not half as bright as hubby was) trying to be him, learning I can’t be him, etc but he did so much esp the DIY, the enginuuty of things in the house, the music, the lighting … list goes on need help with most things , he solved every problem! Even known for itvatcwork x but we have to try best we can they want us to be happy , we have to find ways but still grieve, cry etc when it comes x