MY GRIEF JOURNEY

[Mikeh]

Hi Donant,

Firstly, I am truly sorry to hear of your loss, I lost my mother in law to breast cancer, and my Sister has had two mastectomies 30 years apart, so do understand how devastating this awful illness is. For me, I lost my wife to a different form of cancer, one that shows no symptoms and has no cure, so the dreaded “C” word will always fill me with sadness wherever I hear it.

Your question regarding help, well, in short, I have tried several forms, I’ve managed to stay away from a medical solution, that’s not to say I think that is wrong, far from it, it’s a personal choice and is appropriate for so many, I just wanted to find another way. I have tried counselling, that didn’t work for me either, to be honest, the counselling I had was from a very kind and caring person but not one who had experienced close to hand grief. They were well informed and tried to do there best, but it was a program with points being scored for my progress week on week. The trouble with the way it was being handled is that I was treated as though I had an illness and was given a 6 week course to fix me. I wasn’t given any tools to help and to some extent was being processed rather than being understood. At the end of the time I was told that if I still felt bad I could call them or the Samaritans.

Now as we all know, grief has many facets and you experience things at different times and with different affects or severity.

Bring a fella showing his feelings was and still is a very rare thing, we are programmed to hide our feelings etc. Well I tried that, and I went into some pretty dark places that no phone call to the Samaritans would have helped.

Male suicide is still a big thing and blokes normally go a good job at succeeding on the first attempt, quietly and without a fuss. I can say for one how I had worked how to do it and it would not have failed.

But I realised that the carnage that would have been left behind would have been do great that I could not do that to those I love and it would leave them devastated.

So I was introduced to this forum. I won’t say it was a life saver but it significantly improved the way I felt. I was corresponding with people that are in the same boat. We none of us are paid to respond, we are all looking for a way to survive the next 5 minutes, we are all so stricken with loss that we are lost in so many ways. Even the simple tasks of getting up each day fill you with dread, and going to bed for that matter.

I have written so many posts on this forum in the quest to find an answer but at the same time, bought into the stories of loss from fellow sufferers.

I wish I could say I have found the answer to loss, I haven’t and will never for that matter. I will bear the scars as each and every one of us do but I’m not alone. I am a rareaty as there are so few males sharing there troubles, fears and sorrow and that in a way has given me a reason to share my journey.

I’m not exclusively writing about my loss for men, but I do encourage them to be bold, I write my story and try and share in the stories of others.

I suppose therein lies a answer of sorts. Writing helps me, to think of it I write a lot and straight from the heart. I have no time or inclination to hide my feelings, I hurt and boys do hurt, trust me on that. I have had to learn everything from looking after myself, my house, to cook, to clean, to shop and so on whilst trying to deal with the loss of my wife. I’m still filled with disbelief two years on, I still feel guilty for being here, I still feel judged and judge myself. I have become a different man, reclusive, scared, alone and lonely.

I question my existence, what’s my purpose, why am I bothering even. I even think of how dismal the future is and do I even want to be a part of it.

But these are all normal. I still feel that way at times and sometimes, in fact often, still cry and say why.

But I’m punishing myself as I’m in emotional and physical pain and self harming through deprivation seems to satisfy my feelings.

I have learnt that the mind is for more powerful than your will. You are in fact willingness to fight what your mind and heart feel so don’t bother, but this is all part of the process of grief and that takes a while to understand.

There are so many things to remind you of the life you had and do many reasons to feel anger and resentment to those that still have it when you have been robbed. But it’s not their fault that same as it’s not yours. If you want to blame anyone it’s nature. It has the power to give and take away and whilst the medical profession try their best, all the can do is try and trick nature, to stall its progress so that we have time to recover or respond to treatment. But sometimes even the most cleverest clinicians can’t stop nature.

Whilst I still feel robbed, the one that had lost the most is the one we have lost, they tried there best to be part of your life, they fought a battle far harder than ours and in the end sacrificed everything.

Yes we now have to walk the literal lonely path as a zombie for the hours months years to come but in time when we feel strong enough can decide what we need to do. That will be an individual choice, after all, it’s our journey and no rantings by any other will offer you peace or the answer for that matter.

For me, writing has been a help, this forum has been a help, knowing I’m not alone has been a help, time has been a help so has knowing that I’m not I’ll, I’m grieving and it will take as long as it takes or as long as you want to and that’s perfectly ok.

No one has the right to tell you you have grieved enough, there is no program to fix you, in the end you will never be fixed but you will get used to feeling the way you do and you will find a way to survive little step by little step.

I have avoided distraction on my journey. The temptation to buy a dog has been resisted. Nothing living or material will ever plug the hole on your heart, they will be short lived as like cutting yourself in an act of self harm, all it will do is offer you a different pain, a different focus, it’s a fix like drugs and behind that is a problem that can’t be fixed in that way.

Talking about your feelings, reading about others, engaging with others on the same journey has certainly helped me.

I’m writing my life story, that’s full of happiness and will inevitably end in tears, literally, is helping me. My driver for that is to leave a lasting memory and maybe even helps others to understand the pain of loss.

I try not to be to hard on myself, it’s not my fault! And what is the purpose of hurting myself more, well, to be honest, I still do, but it is more gently and shorter lived.

I ramble on using this forum as a sounding board, and most of the time it’s received and suggestions on how to tackle my feelings are shared by others. These are adapted to suit my needs and used as tools to used when the need arises.

I also read my stories back to see if I have progressed and yes in time my stories and the tools have moved me forward overall but beware, you do go backwards as well. This is all normal.

I know that to those that are recently bereaved will not see and hope in my words, that’s because it’s not time, but you hopefully will see some common ground in time.

I’m 2 years in and it’s still tough. Seeing my son married, holding my granddaughter, seeing the passing of so many events alone when others still enjoy normality never gets easy. Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas slim bring a heavy toll to your heart.

Getting up each day alone, going to bed each night alone, cooking, shopping in fact going anything alone is awful.

Going away on holiday, revisiting favourite haunts or being reminded by pictures, music, tv programmes all hurt.

But you can’t change what’s happened, it has passed, the present you can’t be bothered with and as for the future, well is it all worth it? Well it is, your past has taught you well and will bring you happier thoughts, you will feel the warmth of those precious times and they will be tinged with sadness. The present, well you just have to deal with whatever happens , good and bad, if you can help others then that’s good, if you just want to be on your own, well that’s fine also. As for the future, well try and carry on with the things you did together. You enjoyed them and whilst they are sad as the hand that freely given to you is not there, the unrehearsed kiss or warm embrace will never be the same remember it’s not meant to be. Do what you enjoyed in a different way, weave the beautiful times you had through the things you now do, take the memory of your loved one with you, show them through your eyes the wonders that you see. Let their spirit live in your world and talk about the happy times, kept them alive in you.

You may think that’s daft, and now might not be the time, but you will always be on this journey, but your heart and mind can be filled with the many happy things that fulfilled your life together.

You will need time and understanding, you will never be the same, but hopefully you will be better when the time is right and there is no point trying to rush it.

Faith, hope and destiny will show you the way in small ways like chance encounters with signs of some sort. People associate meanings with feathers, robins all sorts of things. Don’t knock it, because we just don’t know. The fact of the matter is a feather is just a feather. A Robin is just a Robin but they are a trigger to make you think about the one you have lost and that’s what matters. It’s a way of keeping the one you have lost in your heart and mind.

I’m sorry to ramble on, but I just want to say, you are going fine, yes it hurts, yes you hate everything, yes you are sad, angry, guilty, tired, in shock and loads of other things. This is grief, this is what loss feels like this is normal and this is a good forum to share your thoughts, hopes and fears with.

Remember, we are all shipwrecked, we all come form different places, we all have different destinations but we are all in the same boat with the same feelings of heartbreak and loss.

I hope this has been of some use. If you come across any of my other scribblings you will see that I too have many unanswered questions and apologise, I am a prolific writer, so get comfy with a cuppa if you choose to read them.

I wish you heartfelt condolences and hope that peace soothes your torn and tattered heart

Mike

[Mikeh]

Just re-read my post. Apologies for the auto corrected text and poor gramma! Writing on a mobile with fat fingers I’m afraid but I hope you get the gist of what I’m trying to say.

[AnnR]

I don’t think there’s a diet for fat fingers, Mike. But don’t worry, we can cope!

[AnnR]

What a star he was!
The first winter when my husband and I met, it was the bad one of 1963. He walked over three miles through nearly 2’ of snow to see me, then walked back home later. I thought how amazing that was but didn’t realise then that it was an indication of the lovely, caring, dedicated man he would be through our 57 years.
They don’t make them like that any more. Losing him was unbearable but looking back at our wonderful marriage, I know I wouldn’t have missed it all for the world.

[AnnR]

Hi Megan,
I only found this today and replied, then realised that you wrote it ages ago, and it’s now 2022! If you would like to read it, (I don’t know if you are notified if there is a message), I wrote it at 1840 today, 23 Sept!
Hope you get it.
Hugs,
Ann

[Donant]

Thank you ,I really appreciate what you have said

[Jules4]

As usual, your thoughts are so well written Mike. I am 18 months in and recognise everything you say. The journey we never wanted still goes on….

[Mikeh]

Thank you, in normal circumstances I would say the pleasure is all mine, but none of this is a pleasure is it. What I do hope by way my scribbling is just to say what I feel and somehow try and document my journey. I’m not trying to say this is the way to go, or give opinion, we are all far beyond debate and convincing conversations, we all hurt, we all have good and bad days, we all see hope or want to and we all are scared of the life we are thrust into and we are all vulnerable and don’t want to feel any more pain and heartbreak.

The good thing, if I can say it that way, is we all understand, we all can see ourselves in the writings of others, we all want help but also help others by sharing our thoughts.

If we can see or understand what others are feeling and if we can recognise our progress against those, then our direction of travel must be right and that’s all that we need at times even through anonymity we can befriend each other and help each other when the day or night for that matter, seems immeasurably difficult.

I have been helped by the touching sincere stories that I have read. We can’t feel the pain each individual feels but we can whole heartedly know what it’s like to feel it and that puts on an even playing field.

I’m two years in and it still hurts but I feel that I have travelled a long way and the lessons I have learnt, the physical and emotional pain I have suffered has made me an expert of sorts, like each and every one of us, and if I can help in any small way, we’ll the lessons are not wasted.

Of course I wish I was not here at all, pecking away on my phone with a finger staring at my dot dot ping meal for one in the silence of my castle or prison for that matter, but I am, and i’m sure my sweetheart wife would not want me to be like this either, as I would not want her to be just a memory, but we all are here, lost, lonely and alone, unsure of what lies beyond, but i’m sure together and with the support of our family friends and even four legged companions, we can survive, because it’s our job to share the wonderful life we have had and ensure the memory continues on, that way our loved ones will always be near in that special place we hold dear, our heart.

I wish you all peace, hope and solace on your journey.

Mike

[Solost]

@Mikeh, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for putting into words so many of my thoughts and I’m sure of others on this site too. It’s nearly two years for me too but I’m still lost in time. I st relive that day over and over again every single day of my so-called life, or ‘existence’ is probably a better word. I carry on for my two grownup children, they only have me now.

May you also find strength and comfort.
Take care of yourself.

[Mikeh]

Hi @Solost

Yes I relive things as well, I’m going through her clothes at the moment and feel very disloyal, it’s line I’m shutting the door permanently on the life we had.

I was fortunate to have many photographs of my wife but as I go through her clothes, I see the picture of her wearing them and I’m reliving that occasion again.

So I’m making a conscious decision to do something about it. I am going to learn to make a quilt from the clothes that I have pictures of her wearing. I will cut them into shapes and stitch them together and also make a scrap book of the pictures and me making the quilt.

In the long term it will be an heirloom to be passed on with its pedigree and in the short term it will keep me warm at night in bed.

I suppose the point I’m trying to make is that it can be good to bring the past into your future in some way and getting used to it removes the threat or hold it has over you.

There are certain things I will never forget and avoid being reminded but surrounding yourself with the happy things does help.

I still spray her perfume on the bed and around the house, yes it did upset me at first, but now it reminds me and makes me think she is still here.

We all need to find a way I suppose to somehow de-weaponise our memories and it isn’t easy but only when we remove the threat can we enjoy the peace.

I wish you the very best in trying to live with loss and it’s what must seem existence at times but remember, not only have you lost your loved one but so have your children but they have also lost a part of you as well.

My children told me that. They said we have lost a mum and dad and it’s only now I realise what they mean.

They only have you but you only have them, I realise that too.

Take care and just don’t look for answers too much because I haven’t found them either.

[Amylost]

@Mikeh
You thoughts are very moving and we on here can relate to a lot of the feelings you have, there’s so many emotions to cope with and they change daily, weekly and sometimes I’m confused in how I should feel and in what I should be doing.
It’s lovely you write a lot, it must be therapeutic. When my Martin died I loved drawing, but now I find it difficult to get back into it, although at the same time I still want to draw, I’m trying to do different things as it helps me have some respite from grieving, if I’m stuck indoors I get panicky, I am able to sit down in the evenings and watch TV, but then I start clearing up, or catch up on dusting, I think if the days go quick my life will go quick so then I’ll be with my Martin, he was my best, simply the best.
Amy x

[Cjs126]

Hi Donant
I’ve just been reading Mikes touching reply to you, they also come up in my inbox as part of the thread.
I hope that you have found them helpful in any way.
May I suggest that you read the thread from the beginning…there is a very descriptive story of grief written by Mike which I and others have found very moving .
I find it helps me make sense of all the turmoil in my thoughts, feelings and fears
I know that all our grief and lose is unique to each of us and we all need to find our own way to try and live around the huge hole in our hearts…some days we struggle around the edge and others we fall into the hole…we need the hope that one day we will find that we are able to stay more around the edge.
I’m two years on now and continue to slip of the edge but Ive learnt from this group that I’m not alone in that…that I’m not going mad,
There are no rules or time scale …I just cling onto the hope that one day I will find myself again…not just for myself, for my darling husband who loved me as the person I was…not the Person that Ive become without him.
So many of us in this group hate this life of just existing… smiling on the outside for the sake of others while screaming with despair on the inside.
My pain and sorrow is not just for myself its for the life that my darling husband has lost…he was so full of life with a huge heart full of love and caring.
He was always smiling and was loved and respected where ever he went.
I keep telling myself that I have to live for him aswell now while keeping all our love and memories in a pocket in my heart and when I feel really sad I take them out and hug them tight.
I guess there is no right or wrong way to try and survive the emptyness we feel…we have no choice but try…the only other option is to give in to dispare and where that can lead… I’ve been there… looking at the Ocean Which was our love…it would be so easy just to go for a one way dive.
We have no children…so noone to hurt…then the thought occurred… what if there is an afterlife…would it mean that I wouldn’t be allowed to be with my darling husband again.
I’m not religious but I have to keep an open mind.
I’m rambling a bit now…I just wish I knew what the answer is for us all,. Or if there even is one.
At least this group makes us realise that no matter what horrible emotions and thoughts we are going through. We all understand each other without judgement.
The posts we read resinate in different ways with us all.
I hope that you can find your coping mechanism in time…mine is walking…I walk for miles until I tire myself out so that I can sleep
There is another post on here,again by Mike… Walking my way through grief…have a read…very uplifting
Take care
Christine x

[Donant]

Christine,
Oh thank you very much for a lovely post, this site and the people on here really help.Yes I too walk for miles, and you’re right it does help with sleep.
I find the weekends are awful, it’s just we all used to spend it with our spouses, being on your own is really the most awful thing, I was always with my wife, we were never apart, so yes it’s very, very hard trying to adjust. Going back to work has helped fill my days, but I’m dreading the dark nights, and like all of us on here, Christmas.
I will read his posts, thank you for the advice, and please keep in touch, if you don’t mind

[Mikeh]

“JUST WHEN YOU THINK IT’S OK”

Spoiler alert, this is a ramble, but I’m trying to understand things, so either draw a fresh brew and get comfy or skip by as this is another couple of thousand worder!

You all must have this feeling at times, you get sort of used to be alone in your house and things seem to be ok, I would venture to say good, but we all also know that “ok” is about as good as it gets for the moment.

I need to go back a little over 2 years when it all started. It was just about the time when the first covid lockdown started. One of my sons was planning to get married and we were all looking forward to it, my wife was very apprehensive as the wedding was abroad and my wife didn’t like flying and had never been abroad apart from day trips to France so was very anxious. I had my own company and was forced to stop working due to the lockdown. The wedding was postponed because of the travel ban and the risk of catching covid and I was forced to stay at home with my wife.

Now please don’t take my attempt of sarcasm to seriously, this was all the excuse I needed to spend 24/7 with my sweetheart and as the lockdown progressed I fell even more in love with my wife. Selfishly, we had each other and as long as we played by the rules and looked after our loved ones, we were fine. Now of course this wasn’t the case for 1000’s of others and unbeknownst to us, wasn’t going to end well for us either in more ways than one.

It was on one morning when my wife became ill. I won’t go into the details other than it was serious involving paramedics and an air ambulance. If I could use the word “fortunately” for I was at home, I knew what to do to keep her alive long enough for the professionals to work against the odds and get her alive and well enough to transport. Of course, I couldn’t go or even know if that kiss I gave her in the road was going to be my last for real, but I was full of hope and prayer like anyone would be.

The day could have been so different, I could have been at work and returned to a totally different scenario that I can’t bear to think of but at the same time, carrying out brutal first aid to your own wife is something that will never be forgotten and is a source of torment still. So I was “fortunate” to be in isolation with my wife that I had fallen in love with all over again as it gave me the opportunity to save her life on that dismal scary and now tormenting time.

Sadly, despite surviving 3 cardiac arrests in close succession, the problem was deeper set and the storm was set to return. You see, the cardiac arrests were caused by blood clots which were caused by a rare and undetectable cancer that goes un-noticed until its an emergency and even if the emergency is survived, as in the case of my wife, the cancer is un-treatable and has a very poor prognosis. 3 months was given and she lasted 6 and passed away in my arms just after our 38th wedding anniversary and 1 day after my other son and daughter-in- law’s wedding anniversary.

To go back a little, in the months prior to her passing my son said they were trying for a baby, now this would normally be a most happy piece of news, it would be our first and my wife would have loved being a Grandmother. To realise that she would never get to be what she wanted always to be must have been one of the hardest things to endure and on top of that, she would never see our other son get married. Now I don’t know how someone could come to terms with the fact that are not going to survive and also know that they will never see these wonderful events in life.

To make things worse, I lost my wife’s wedding ring that I had had on my little finger for nearly a year. This was my only regret in all the years we had been together and it had been safely wedged on my finger next to my wedding ring or so I thought. My hands were cold and I had emptied my rubbish and had to assume it either went in with the rubbish or was dropped near the bin and it had been picked up. I contacted the council, who were so vary understanding and did offer a chance of finding it due to the thorough recycling methods and things like this had turned up in the past. I was filled with hope, but realised as the weeks passed that so were the chances. I even resorted to going to the pawn and jewellery shops in the hope it had been traded in, but alas no joy. So I just had to accept that I had failed her and hoped she would forgive me.

Now winding the clock forward, My Daughter in law did become pregnant and I went to my other son’s wedding, in fact I had the honour of giving him away, it’s a tradition for the mother to give her son away where they got married, so I took her place and was proud to do so. This was a very hard thing for all the family to do, obviously, there was one very important person missing and she was so very much missed.

Winding the clock forward to a week or so ago now, it’s the 16th of September, a sunny Friday with changeable weather, so what I hear you say, well I did decide to change my Duvet covers, a task I have not yet mastered and admire anyone who manages to do it easily on their own. I have cushions on my bed, some of which I still spray with her perfume and cuddle in bed when I am lonely for her to be next to me, which will be always as I’m sure you all will understand. Now I hear you say, so what, well please be patient as I building a back story within a story.

I couldn’t be bothered to change the cushion covers to match the duvet so I rooted around in the airing cupboard for a set that matched and proceeded to change them so they could be washed and dried before the weather changed. I pulled off the covers and shook out the clean ones and started to unfold the bottom sheet before I went into battle with the duvet! As I stretched and tucked my wedding ring came off, my hands were cold and this does happen, so I grabbed it to stick it back on my finger to suddenly realise it was small and on inspection I had my wedding ring on. I sat on the bed in disbelief of what I had in my hand, my wife’s lost wedding ring! How, why and of all the places and all the choices of duvets I could have picked I picked this one and how was it folded in the bottom sheet and to make things even more coincidental, our 40th wedding anniversary was in a couple of days.

Now I haven’t finished yet! On the 17th I was given the news of the birth of our lovely Granddaughter, on the 18th I got to hold her, our 40th wedding anniversary. On the 19th, of course, we all witnessed the funeral of our dear departed Queen. So as weekends go, a raft of emotions were experienced both personally due to the close succession of events and nationally for the loss of our Queen. These 4 days will be remembered for so many reasons and for ever more.

Now coming back to the story title, “Just when you think it’s ok” for the run up to the birth of my granddaughter I got excited, anxious, worried and sad for all the right reasons and holding her in my arms will be forever remembered and cherished. Finding what I thought was lost forever gave me such relief, I hadn’t let my wife down after all, and it was never lost, but patiently waiting to show itself at the right time. All this on our 40th wedding anniversary well, I felt so happy, a happiness I thought I would never feel again. But watching the Queens funeral made me remember all the sad things, and suddenly I wasn’t as “ok” as I thought I was.

A week later my other son and daughter in law came home, this in its own right was hard for them, I know this and it took a great deal of courage for them to do it, but they are uncle and aunty and that’s all the excuse that was need to make the journey.

I wanted to make and effort and make the house respectable and tidy, I cleaned, polished and hovered the house and made up the spare room for them and put out towels etc for them and eagerly looked forward to their arrival. It felt good, my family were descending upon me at things felt good. However, things were afoot that I thought I had passed. Seeing them all together was so lovely but someone was missing. I felt the odd one out in the safety of my own flesh and blood, thoughts of why isn’t my wife here? This isn’t right, and the old thoughts of denial and lack of acceptance crept freshly back into my head and heart. I found myself on the outside looking in again, wanting to be happy but feeling sad and alone in equal measure. Even at a meal we all had together I felt on the outside, not by my lovely family but my own mind feasting on the remains of my tattered heart.

My son and daughter in law have now left to go home and once again the home has fallen silent and become my house, I’m alone and lonely, I want to blackmail my family with emotion to keep them around me but that’s just me hurting and allowing selfishness to creep in. The fact is, I’m suffering from empty nest, that father’s apron strings have been re-connected by the birth of my Granddaughter, the daughter we both never had but wished we had. I found myself putting on the tough male face as I waved them off to their respective homes, one set embarking on the happy life with a third in their arms, the other couple traveling 100’s of miles away enjoying the throws of being newlyweds.

I try and draw from all these events some glimmer of positivity, this is a period of re-birth, a marker in time for want of a better description. I think of the wedding ring and try and think about what I was like when I lost it and compare it to how I feel now. Well I was probably going down the wrong road, possibly seeking a solution to my hurt, a need to give and receive affection, who knows, I was and still am pretty emotionally screwed and perhaps losing the ring was a sign to say I was going the wrong way. For sure it did change the way I felt and I suppose it pulled me up in my tracks. Finding the ring a year later on our 40th wedding anniversary was perhaps fate saying, you are better or more stable and can make better decisions now? The birth of my Granddaughter and the passing of the Queen and seeing Our king I think has taught me that it’s time to let go of the past and celebrate the future, the nation celebrated this and I should also, as I have someone to love and cherish, to guide and nurture, to have and to hold (and give back when smells and noise present!)

However, I am here, once again my heart silently crying, trying to write what I feel like and trying to say that despite how lovely these events have been for my family, how long has passed, how tough I feel, how happy I am and how used I get to being alone, loneliness and heartache still is there, ready to pounce and remind you that it probably will never truly feel its ok, but we must try and see the positive in whatever the way fate and destiny shows it.

[Amylost]

Aww Mikeh.
I’m so glad you found your wife’s wedding ring and before your 40th wedding anniversary, a happy yet sad feeling at this time.

Just when you think it’s OK is our way of life now, then boom something else is thrown it to remind how hard life is without our special person.

I completely understand how you feel when family come over. When my boys visit with their partners I feel the massive absence of my Martin, him missing out on his first grandson and future grandchildren. I feel so lost and lonely not having him by my side and not being able to talk to him about our grandson, everything is so darn hard, I find it hard work communicating too as Martin was more outgoing and chatty then me. Idk when or if it gets easier doing everything solo, I guess time will tell.
Amy x

[Cjs126]

Hi Mike
I’ve just been reading your post…that must have been so hard for you to write… A heartbreaking read.
There are just so many far reaching and complex layers to grief aren’t there… it’s not just the horrendous pain and all the emotions that go with losing our loves and the future we should be sharing together…we grieve the loss of the life they have lost and all the things they can never see or experience…we also grieve the loss of ourselves.
All the why’s and what ifs that go round and round in our head is enough to drive us mad.
It would be so easy to just give in to total dispare but
I keep telling my self that I owe it to my darling husband to live life for both of us now… in a way that would make him proud…I just haven’t worked out how yet.
The nights are really drawing in already and its even getting chilly in the day up here now and I’m feeling it after just leaving 40+ degrees…so today I bought myself an Artic onepiece so that I can still go on my walks in any weather…put my hubby’s favourite puffer jacket on… it’s huge on me but no matter it’s like feeling him all around me…I can still smell his aftershave on it.
I’m so pleased that you found your wifes wedding ring…it was just meant to be…and congratulations on your grand daughter must be both lovely and sad for you at the same time.
I hope that your writings are helping you make sense of your thoughts
Well once again its the early hours so take care and a hug
Christine xx

[Solost]

Hi @Mikeh, I was very touched by your post. I am so very glad that you found your wife’s wedding ring. It must have been devastating for you thinking you’d lost it forever. That was definitely a sign that she will always be with you.
It’s a good thing being able to write down all your thoughts, I admire anyone who can do this because I’m the exact opposite. I have so many entangled feelings inside that I find it so hard to express them into words, whether it’s by talking to someone face to face or even just writing here on this site. Congratulations for your newborn granddaughter too, wishing you all the best.
Take care.

[Solost]

Hi @Cjs126, I see we have the same problem about sleepless nights. I’m already up at 6am (an hour ahead here, in Italy) after tossing and turning all night, yet again.
Your words moved me when you talk about the loss of our lives that we should be having now with our soulmates, everything they should be experiencing with us but are not. I get through my day, thanks to my two grown-up children who live with me, but I just can’t stop repeating over and over again in my head that their dad is not here to see this, see that, do this, do that and so on. I talk to my husband all the time, asking what he thinks, what I should do or say, then I get frustrated when he doesn’t answer me. Everything he did since we got married, he did it for us and for our home. Dedicated father and husband, a real family man. I feel helpless now, the loneliness is unbearable especially among other people, I feel like ‘a fish out of’ water’. I actually prefer staying at home alone, I feel my husband closer to me then.
Hoping you have better nights.
Take care.

[Mikeh]

Hi Amy, I suppose we all feel the same at times and all have severe swings in our feelings. I agree totally with what you say regarding family events. I have the same feelings with my wife’s siblings as well which is particularly strong with my wife’s Brother who is my longest friend and the reason I met my wife nearly 50 years ago. I seem to manage seeing them in small numbers but not as a group.

It has taken a lot of grit and determination to live with living alone, learning all the skills of looking after the family, house even myself, learning to cook, clean and just keep everything ticking along and to be honest, for the most part I didn’t want to. Together we worked so well, it was effortless, which is so plain to see now I’m on my own.

That’s the practical element you have to deal with all at once and then there is the personal side, to be frank, I miss conversation and the occasional bickering as well as the the more personal things that couples enjoy. All these things are just taken for granted and now sorely missed.

I was the extravert, my wife the introvert or i was bold and she was the one who kept me more grounded. I use the word “was” as now I am timid and prefer isolation to integration.

The balance of the two of us was ideal and we had a lot of fun pushing each others comfort zones and that makes things worse as we relied on each other to muddle along.

Yes Amy, time does help, in the early days you want to fix the situation quickly, its like getting into hot water, it hurts and you want to jump out but I realised that I just had to bear the heat until I can stand it. I jumped in and out of situations until I realised that it will take as long as it takes, I can’t be fixed, I’m not ill, I’m grieving and it takes time and no one can try and fix you or say its time to “move on”, I hate that phrase!, it does just simply take time.

Loneliness is my biggest foe, it finds me at night, it lives in the bed next to me, opposite the dining table, in the car, in my hand and in my arms. The warm embrace and the unrehearsed kiss, its all around and as tomorrow is the anniversary of my wife’s passing, it will be by my side for some time to come.

So we are all the same, we all are trying to find a way to carry on not the same as we were, that will never be or should, but I’m not going to re-invent myself either in my opinion, we were all good people and we still are, so I for one are trying to do the things that brought us so much happiness but in a different way, but also pick my personal battles, if its a bad day, I accept its not the day to try and if its a good day, well I just try as best I can.

I do write a lot, it helps me think about my feelings and it helps me to share my thoughts, better out than in I suppose.

Keep safe and well Amy x

[Cjs126]

Hi solost
No sleep doesn’t come easy now does it.
Night time has become the enemy
It’s coming up 2 years since the nightmare of waking up to find my darling husband gone with his arm still around me, the continual torrent of whys and what ifs going round and round in my head.
Yes our worlds have changed out of all recognition and it’s frightening to not even recognize yourself anymore.
I can understand your preference to stay at home where you feel close to your husband… it’s a double edge sword ,not wanting to join a world we don’t feel we fit in anymore and the unbearable emptyness of the house…
I just walk for miles until I tire myself out, sometimes I forget that I have the return journey.
I keep reminding myself how privileged I’ve been to have had such love in my life ,my husband was so full of life so I owe it to him to try and find a way to live life for both of us now… that’s what I keep telling myself anyway …I guess we have a choice either give in to total dispare…which would be so easy or we try.
I wish you a more peaceful night, take care
Christine xx