My head is like mush

I lost my girlfriend 2 weeks ago suddenly, I woke up for work and found her body in the bathroom, she had a massive heart attack, she was only just 31. My head just feels like mush, I can’t get the lifeless image of body and the noise leaving her lungs as I gave her CPR. I think I can’t cry anymore and then I see something that reminds me of her and I’m a total mess again. I’m totally heartbroken, she was my happily ever after, I’m sleeping but only just and barely eating because I feel so sick.

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Im so sorry Harry. My husband died at home from an out of the blue heart attack whilst I was WFH too and I also did CPR… its just so unbelievable to find yourself in that situation isn’t it. For me it’s almost 4 months and it took me about two months to stop shaking and some counselling and another month to stop having very frequent flashbacks. I posted a lot in here about it in case you want to read. I found this forum very helpful but no matter what help you get it’s a life-shattering shock isn’t it.

I hope you can keep going somehow getting hour to hour however you need to. Take care of yourself if you can. I recommend counselling as I found most people think it helps for you to talk but what actually helps is someone listening without getting so awkward they try to make it better (as it cant be made better… ). I talked a lot but no one listened properly until I had the counselling and that does now give me some relief. Nothing can bring them back though and that’s what we needd isn’t it…

Thank you FleurDeLis
My hands are still shaking, I’m finding the my mood shifts very difficult to deal with, one minute I feel relaxed when I’m sat petting the dog and within a flash I’m balling my eyes out and I don’t know what’s triggered it, because the tv is on but I can’t focus on it, so it’s just background noise, but even though my emotions are up and down I just feel completely numb inside, and it feels like I’m walking around with lead weights. I tried going running earlier because it’s something we loved doing together but I just sobbed the whole way round.
My family and friends have been wonderful, but talking to my friends she always comes up in the conversation, i don’t want to pretend she never existed or anything like that I was just hoping for it to be a bit more like normality, not me crying in public. How did you know it was time to speak to a councillor?
I’m ever so sorry for your loss.

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I know what you mean about the TV.
I was going to kill myself but writing the suicide note made me think how my family would feel regardless that i was writing how they couldnt have done more to try and help me (they couldnt/can’t… I am just not receptive to that help and even less then…). I couldn’t do it to them so then I made a GP appt (that was already an ordeal beyond my mental capacity but in the end got the appt by phone). He gave me pills which I didnt want but they stopped me shaking and helped me sleep so im glad I took them then. I don’t take them now. He also referred me to counselling but it took another month to actually get it. (this sue ryder website also offer counselling and it came through quicker so that might be a good option though I’d found a counsellor through my job already by then so didn’t use SR myself).

The counsellor said its normal to not sleep and keep having flashbacks and it shows your brain is actually working properly… apparently on that day having to do the cpr and this shocking scenario initiates fight/flight response on a super level so our brains took in way more info through all senses that it can process. Taking in even more info after (like news on tv) and not sleeping makes it worse so you’ll keep having flashbacks as your brain is overloaded and can never catch up to process stuff correctly.

Counsellor told me to prioritise a sleep routine (even if can’t sleep as its normal to not always be able to sleep when grieving) and to reduce incoming unpleasant stimuli and we spent time of me telling her all those crazy horrid details I remembered from that day (way more detail than I’d normally remember even a very strong memory ever before)… she also suggested I write it down to help my brain process it.

I think it will also take time as well as those things but at least now it’s getting less with the flashbacks.

Reading/writing in these forums helped me too.

So sorry you’re having this reason to be here. I wish you as peaceful an evening as possible and hopefully some sleep but it’s such a massive shock just do whatever gets you through hour by hour.


I am sorry that you felt that broken and low and even felling like this I can’t imagine how you felt at that time. I’m glad that you are through those dark times though.
I get to go and see her body tomorrow before she goes back to her parents town for the funeral, I have some very mixed emotions about it, I’m looking forward to being able to say goodbye but I’m not looking forward to seeing her.
I have tried writing memories down and things I want to say to her but I just break down. It is definitely helping me speaking in this chat room though. And do have a routine sleep at 10 up at 7 hopefully sleep in between.
Thank you for your help, you have helped me more than you could possibly know. Take care


So very sorry for your loss how horrendous for you finding your partner and performing CPR. My husband died in my arms he was on palliative care at home. You will see images it’s awful I re live Mick dying it’s very early days for you. I hope you have support
Take care physically I didn’t eat sleep for months not good for you eventually I got help from my GP and counselling.


Good luck today Harry (weird thing to say, my foggy brain right now can’t think of better words but I mean I hope it goes as well as it can…).

If you get there and you don’t feel like seeing her then don’t force yourself. Do what you feel you want to if you can. For some people it helps them though I think (I didnt want to and didnt).

The same goes for talking about her. I love talking about my husband but if you don’t feel like it then don’t. It’s hard to know what you want though I know. I went from being very strong-willed to completely indecisive.
Sorry you couldn’t enjoy your run, I hope you can learn to enjoy it again but if you can’t that’s OK too. Take care and let us know how it goes if you feel like it (if you don’t feel like it and post something else or don’t post it’s also fine… ).

@Kim5 It’s really tough even though I know there was nothing I could have done, part of me thinks what if there was. I do have wonderful support thank you, I’m walking and running but that only takes up so much of my day and I can’t face work yet. Thanks for sharing I hope you are doing well. X

Hello Harry89

Sorry for you lost. It is shocking to lost a love one when you never think in the situation then out of the blue is there. You partner was very young all those feelings i am are normal after a beloved has gone.

Keep i touch it does help to talk in this community but better if you can stay in touch with family.