My heart is broken in a million pieces

Losing a parent
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It’s been 9 months and every morning I ask myself if I will ever wake up from this nightmare. My mum was diagnosed with a brain tumour on January this year 2023. She was 58. We found out that it was originally lung cancer after she passed away on February. Just in a month. I lost her when I was 24.

I told her to stop smoking since I was just a child. And she never did, even after her (first) tongue cancer was cured, just 2 years ago. Why did she did that to herself? Why was I not able to be more helpful or just realise she was not okay? Even the doctors, why didn’t they do lung checks after her first cancer?

The endless feelings of loneliness, emptiness, anger, disappointment, unfairness, they never end. It’s been a rollercoaster and it doesn’t seem to get any better, specially in this time of the year, where everyone comes together with their families. I don’t understand people who say that ‘‘time will heal’’. I’m just sick of it. They have no idea what they are talking about.

I also just lost my relationship with my stepdad, who was my rock, my main support, together with my step sister & some friends that have also stepped away. I have been thinking that the world was against me all this time, just to realise that I’m the one who is against the world.

I can’t control my anger and being impulsive, which sometimes ends up in hurting people I love. I’ve also broken up with my boyfriend, and I just feel like a complete mess.

My brain shuts down when I listen to my friends ‘‘little’’ problems, like career-wise or boyfriend related. I just think that they have no idea what life is. They just live in their easy bubble and they don’t know how fortunate they are to have their mums. I can’t change this resentment against everyone and everything right now, and I’ve become an antisocial, bitter person.

The worst version of myself just came out the day my mum died. And I will never be the same person I was.

My mum was my whole life, my best friend, she was everything to me. And now I have no idea how to get going because I’m so lost: In my life, my career and my personal life. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I can’t even believe she is not here.

I’m just heartbroken and I just want to hug her and listen to her advices and laugh with her, sing and dance together like we would always do, and have our profound life conversations that I cannot have with anyone else. I miss her so much. And I really hope she is here with me as a spirit, but sometimes I struggle to believe in those things.

Thank you whoever reads this. Any advice is welcome. If you feel miserable like I do, know that you’re not alone and I really hope you slowly find peace in your life again. :pensive: :frowning_face:

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So sorry for your loss, I lost my mum 6 weeks ago she’d battled Cancer for 26 years was given the all clear then found it had come back and was terminal she was given 6-12 months but only lasted 3 turbulent months then she was gone l found out by accident it was terminal she wasn’t going to tell us I went into shock that day and havnt recovered, she had battled for so long and came out the other side, I allways thought it would be old age that would be her demise not the cancer she was a fighter all them years but couldn’t fight no more.

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I’m very sorry to read about what you’re going through, I resonate so much with your words that I felt compelled to create an account and write to you. I lost my dad this February to lung cancer, 11 months after diagnosis. I struggle to put into words how much he meant and still means to me and just writing this sentence makes me want to cry myself silly.

I too feel bitter at the world for putting me and my family in such a horrid position. He was the kindest, most intelligent, generous and loving human I will ever get to meet and he died at only 62 in a very traumatic and painful manner. It made me question everything. How can karma be a thing? What’s the point of life if the nicest people are dealt such hard blows? How is my partner whining about having to make small talk with a neighbour whilst I’m reliving my dad dying each time I go to sleep? I consider myself a very logical and pragmatic person and I need to reason my way around things, but these questions don’t come with straight answers, unfortunately.

As grim as it sounds, I have found a lot of solace in the fact that one day I will too die and join my dad wherever he went. The certainty of it I find weirdly reassuring, and it gives me unexpected bursts of motivation to make the most of life until the inevitable happens for me. Allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling, your mind and body need to process this tremendous loss and how quickly it came about - you’re not an “antisocial, bitter person”, you’re in pain.

As grim as today looks, tomorrow is always an opportunity for things to get better. I’m rooting for you!

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My sympathies for your loss. I lost my dad recently and I can relate to so much of what you write. Losing a parent is a life-changing event and I don’t think it’s possible to be the same afterwards. :heart:

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Your right losing a parent is a life changing event and one that is quite traumatic especially when your mum is also your best friend and is there for you no matter what then all of a sudden she’s not and you have no one to turn too and the people who you think you can turn to are getting on with their own lives and your stuck in limbo not knowing what you are meant to do next that’s what my life feels like every day I’m stuck in this nightmare that I can’t wake up from, I’ve felt other people’s pain on here and everyone’s story is different but we all have one thing in common our lives have changed forever

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Thank you for your message ralooki & I am really sorry for your loss too.

I’ve always believed in Karma, in some way or another. But I think this has nothing to do with karma. My theory is that the nicest, most caring, empathetic people in this planet like my mum or you dad, go through more pain and suffering than people who just don’t care about anything. And I truly believe suffering is a silent killer. My mum gave too much to everyone & took care everyone, even those who had hurted her. But she never took care of herself.

She gave too much and received too little. And I feel guilty for this as well, because I wasn’t a perfect daughter. I regret not being there as the best version of myself, but instead I was just calling her to tell her my problems, instead of listening to hers. Giving her my tears instead of more laughter, or more happy moments. I complained way too much about unimportant stuff and made her suffer and this was so selfish. I should’ve been more concerned when she told me about her headaches or her pain on her body. She was against going to the hospital, but I should’ve just dragged her against her will. I know it doesn’t make sense thinking about this now, but sometimes I just can’t escape those ‘’what if?’’ moments.

Her last three days before she passed away, I went to see her in the hospital, but I didn’t have the guts of sleeping by her side. I was scared, I couldn’t faced the reality. She was dying, she was not gonna be here with me anymore. Never again. Why the hell didn’t I stay with her?

Anyways, I hope heal comes with time.

All the best to you.

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I am sorry for your loss too. That’s devastating. We never expect how these things happen and evolve, but everyone has their time to go from this Earth, and unfortunately we cannot control how soon or late that happens. :frowning_face:

Sometimes our parents try to protect us by not telling us what’s happening to them. My mum also didn’t tell me the whole story, which I found out the same week she passed away. This doesn’t change the horrible pain that we feel after they are gone though.

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I am sorry for your loss too Ulma. Thank you for your message. :purple_heart:

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I just never thought, that because she’d fought it for so long it would eventually kill her especially when she’d been clear 2 years I thought she had beaten it and it would be old age that took her.

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I lost the relationship with my dad when my mum died. He made it all about himself and his self pity, blaming himself for leaving her 30 years previous, to raise 4 kids alone. My mum was the only one who kept xmas gatherings going too, so now that’s all stopped 4 years ago. She was very overweight and this definitely contributed to her stroke and then death at age 62. It feels so unfair when parents don’t even take care of their health to stick around for their own children. I get how you feel about being angry or sad that they didn’t live a healthier lifestyle to live longer to actually be around to be our parents. Im starting some counselling today to start dealing with my grief, obviously alone as per usual…

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