It’s been 9 months and every morning I ask myself if I will ever wake up from this nightmare. My mum was diagnosed with a brain tumour on January this year 2023. She was 58. We found out that it was originally lung cancer after she passed away on February. Just in a month. I lost her when I was 24.
I told her to stop smoking since I was just a child. And she never did, even after her (first) tongue cancer was cured, just 2 years ago. Why did she did that to herself? Why was I not able to be more helpful or just realise she was not okay? Even the doctors, why didn’t they do lung checks after her first cancer?
The endless feelings of loneliness, emptiness, anger, disappointment, unfairness, they never end. It’s been a rollercoaster and it doesn’t seem to get any better, specially in this time of the year, where everyone comes together with their families. I don’t understand people who say that ‘‘time will heal’’. I’m just sick of it. They have no idea what they are talking about.
I also just lost my relationship with my stepdad, who was my rock, my main support, together with my step sister & some friends that have also stepped away. I have been thinking that the world was against me all this time, just to realise that I’m the one who is against the world.
I can’t control my anger and being impulsive, which sometimes ends up in hurting people I love. I’ve also broken up with my boyfriend, and I just feel like a complete mess.
My brain shuts down when I listen to my friends ‘‘little’’ problems, like career-wise or boyfriend related. I just think that they have no idea what life is. They just live in their easy bubble and they don’t know how fortunate they are to have their mums. I can’t change this resentment against everyone and everything right now, and I’ve become an antisocial, bitter person.
The worst version of myself just came out the day my mum died. And I will never be the same person I was.
My mum was my whole life, my best friend, she was everything to me. And now I have no idea how to get going because I’m so lost: In my life, my career and my personal life. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I can’t even believe she is not here.
I’m just heartbroken and I just want to hug her and listen to her advices and laugh with her, sing and dance together like we would always do, and have our profound life conversations that I cannot have with anyone else. I miss her so much. And I really hope she is here with me as a spirit, but sometimes I struggle to believe in those things.
Thank you whoever reads this. Any advice is welcome. If you feel miserable like I do, know that you’re not alone and I really hope you slowly find peace in your life again.