My heart is broken

Hi my name is Lyn . My beautiful 32yr old son died just 2 days ago on the 15th November 2022
In February he had what he thought maybe sciatica. Cut a long story short he had to have emergency major spinal surgery for Cauda Equina Syndrome. He woke with no feeling below his waist. After many months of pyhsio he came home 5 weeks ago. He had to sleep in the lounge cause he was unable to do the stairs to get to the bathroom at bedroom. His partner slept on a mattress on the floor to be near him after so long apart by. He was doing so well with his walking and walked with a rolater and crutches. He was also seeing a private physio and doing so well. He was the nicest man you could ever meet and everyone loved him
Tuesday morning he woke Amy thinking he was having a panic attack. He was finding it difficult to breath so she called us . We live together. Within 10mins I was doing CPR on him. Just before that he said l am scared. I will never forget that look on his face as l tried to tell him he would be ok. My husband his 2nd dad and l worked on him till the paramedics arrived. 8 paramedics came and worked on him for 45mins . As it was a sudden death the police had to come. Andrew is now at the local hospital waiting a post mortem. Hard as it is we know we have to know why this happened.
I don’t know how to feel, my heart is shattered. My head feels light head and l feel wobbly to walk. I can’t stop crying for my baby and am trying to support the love of his life . We have a good supportive family but we have been through so much and it’s so difficult to cope. Help l don’t know how to do it again.
Andrew was born with Hirstsprungs disease and had to have surgery at 3 days old , 5 and 7 month. 2010 his neice, my granddaughter was diagnosed with neuroblastoma cancer she was 4, 2011 l was diagnosed with womb cancer. The same year l found out that my middle son had been abused by a family member and he went to prison. My immediate family (siblings and mum) sided with the abuser saying it was just boys playing. I don’t think so and nor did the court . My son was 7 and he was an adult !!! So we don’t have anything to do with any of them. 2015 his neice died and 8 weeks later his dad my partner collapsed and died suddenly leaving us heartbroken. My eldest son whose daughter had died did CPR on him to help the paramedics . We lost him to AAA he was 59. He always said he wouldn’t make 60 and it was just 3 months before. We thought nothing else could possibly happen. But in Feb this happened and now l have lost my baby. I feel like the end of the world has come, and we are broken.
Thank you for reading all this . I just don’t know how much more we can take . Will love and miss my boy always and forever . I don’t know if l will ever feel normal again. I am scared

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Hello @Lyn101253 ,

I’m so sorry to hear about your son. It sounds as though things are very emotional at the moment and you are feeling broken.

I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you are feeling here and I hope that you find the community a good source of support. Everyone here has experienced the loss of a loved one and will understand some of what you are going through.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few resources with you that may help you right now.

Another good place to get support is The Compassionate Friends They offer help for families who have lost a child of any age which you might find helpful.

Take care - keep reaching out,


Hi Lyn I have just read about the loss of your lovely son and all the other sadness that has gone on in your life.My heart goes out to you I am a widow of 11 years and in March my only child my son passed away.
I can only say take care a day at a time.Its so very very hard.All my love to you xxxx

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I am still struggling with the loss of my youngest son 4 years ago. He was so full of life having overcome adversities and also being overshadowed by his older brother (who probably misses him more than anyone).
I think I am doing well - then suddenly I realise how great my loss is and I descend into a bottomless pit of despair and misery and tears. He should be here, not me :frowning:

I meant to say - he wasn’t a small boy when I lost him. He was 33 but had so much life in front of him . He had gained his MsC, been snapped up for a new job, was enjoying life. He didn’t deserve to leave us …