My heart is so heavy.

I’m really struggling with Xmas coming up as I know you all are. I feel like any minute now I’m going to get a text message from mum asking me for my Xmas lists and “what would the kiddies like”. And us discussing who is going to buy what food for Xmas day. This time last year she may or may not have had cancer in her body seeing as no one knew what the hell happened.

I got a notification pop up today from Facebook. Mum telling me how she couldn’t wait for us all to be together. And I tell her how much I miss them all. If only we knew what lay ahead. I would never have let her go from the great big bear hugs we used to give each other.

I honestly don’t know where the time goes. I feel like I’m in some separate time dimension each week passes by in a fog. I couldn’t tell you what I do each day.

I miss you mum.

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Hi joules,
I’m with you on everything you say.
Today I’m constantly saying if only, what if.
I feel like I’m going backwards at times.
I had good morning tv on while I was ironing this morning and it was constantly Philip Schofield saying merry Christmas everyone!
I was thinking what? It’s the 12th december! Not the 24th!
It’s so ridiculously unfair on anyone who is grieving, who is struggling financially, who is depressed, who is homeless. I just cant stand it.

Jooles, your heartbreak comes through your posts, it has happened to me on Facebook. I have had messages which my dear brother wrote, Stan didn’t bother with Facebook. I am glad that he didn’t, it would drive me bonkers if I had them from him, too. I am having a bad day today, it hit me that I will never see him again, only in my dreams. I love dreaming about him, we are young again, yet the reality hits me like a ton of bricks as soon as I awake. Thank you for being my friends.
I am off to watch the election results, now.
btw, I would rather chat here than watch the TV.

Yes the election is a distraction if you need it. My mum loved all things to do with politics. She could talk for hours about it. She would have been glued to the tv all night. I have some lovely dreams of mum. Some are not so good. But I do love meeting up with her in my dreams. We always hug.

Thank you Mary. Sweet dreams. X

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I wish I known what lay ahead too. I would have fought for my Mum and perhaps the outcome might have been different. We can’t change it. I can feel the pain of everyone on here.
I’ve had no dreams with Mum in yet. I don’t think my brain is allowing it, as it just couldn’t cope at the moment.

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I’ve only dreamt of my mum once and it was so upsetting that I think my brain has stopped me doing it since. I’m amazed as we were so close for 48 years and lived together,I’m so surprised she doesn’t feature in my dreams.

My dreams can be really lovely. But also very upsetting and normally of her death. I have realised that I absolutely did not understand what was happening whilst she was dying while I watched it happen. that I didn’t comprehend it at all. So maybe that’s why it’s coming out in my dreams.

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Oh Jooles, I understand!

Christmas was my mums faveourite time of the year and now…it seems to be my worse. There are just constant reminders…everywhere? People at work are asking about my Christmas plans, playing Christmas songs and I literally just want to bang their heads together but at the same time I feel so bad for thinking those thoughts cuz this time last year…that was me.

My mum always used to get my little boy the most annoying stupid massive presents that I had no where to keep or were hard to build, pointless or just crap lol and every year I would moan at her and tell her next year…just get him pjs :joy: this year that’s what I feel most sad about, no more stupid presents.

It’s funny how we miss the most smallest things but yet they are the most biggest things

I hope your feeling a little better today xxxx