Hello After you. I am so very sorry for what you are going through. I lost my husband of 47 years just over three years ago. We had been together 50 years, from him being 18 years old. We were never, ever apart, we never slept apart, it was always him and me as we had lost our families years before. What I have found is the so-called friends we had known for most of our lives together dwindled away after the funeral.
I totally understand what you mean about the house not being the same, it isn’t the same and never will be again, nothing will ever be the same again.
There is no way I could leave my home, unless they carried me out. We brought our children up here in the 1970’s, my memories are here. I look onto the garden and close my eyes and see Peter pottering away, playing with all the dogs we used to have over 47 years and who have all now died. I see our children helping him wash the car, playing with their friends in our large back garden. Every spring I see the Lilac tree and all the other bushes we planted together come into bloom.
I am lonely, yes of course I am, but I would rather be lonely here where our memories were made than lonely somewhere I have no connection to. I still hate coming home to an empty house, I would rather stay at home than go out just for the sake of it. All my family of the past have long gone, yes I have sons and grandchildren but they have their own lives so I don’t see much of them, every two weeks or so.
I have accepted the fact I am on my own, I hate it, but have accepted it so I now have a different way of life that only affects me. I make my own decisions now which, when Peter first died, was so hard, not having him to talk things through with. Like changing bank accounts, changing energy suppliers etc. but now it is part of my every day living.
I self taught myself how to use a computer and now do online banking, in fact I do everything online, if I didn’t want to I would never have to leave the house.
When Peter died I lost all my confidence, half of me had gone, I got taxis to where I wanted to go and got one home again, but over the last three years I have had to do things my way and now I am once again the confident person I always was. I will never stop missing and grieving Peter, I still cry for him when I go to bed at night, I cry when I hear our songs and I cry when I look at our old photos. If I had a time machine, I would go back to the night we met and do it all over again.
At the end of the day all I want is my husband back and that is never going to happen so I live day to day waiting until we are together again.
It is very early days for you, I wish I could tell you that you will one day stop grieving and missing them but that will never happen. I will live with this ache in my heart until I die and see Peter and all my family once again, then I will be at peace again.
Please take care.