But he really passed last Thursday. Paramedics, despite my plea to let him go, worked on him for over 20 minutes. This inevitably left him in a vegetative state. My daughter in law came with me this morning to see him in the palliative care unit of the hospital. I wanted to kiss him, even though I knew he couldn’t feel my touch, but the bars were in the way so I found his hand to hold, but noticed it felt swollen. Pulling back the covers I was mortified to see his lower arm was black and weeping, he had white tape tightly round his upper arm and adema. We were both shocked. I called a nurse who said they would sort it out later and that he couldn’t feel anything. I told them he wasn’t a piece of meat , he was my husband and I wanted it sorted out straight away. Why this obsession to keep someone alive at all cost? He had died on that Thursday, but they wouldn’t let him go, instead he was put on the 3 session - 3 minutes without oxygen, three days without water and three weeks without food. Thankfully it was just over a week, but it should never have got to this barbaric stage. The emotional stress this has caused the family watching him die a little more day by day has been unbearable. If I thought there was even the tiniest chance he would survive I would have taken it, but he had stopped breathing well before the ambulance finally arrived, yet still they insisted on CPR. The phone rang at 2.13 am this morning to tell me he had passed. So many emotions from an overwhelming sense of loss, anger and sadness. I’m just in a state of disbelief as he had recently got the all clear of cancer and then four/five weeks later he has a heart attack. We had been together 51 years this December. We’ve weathered many a storm but we got through it because there was always love. Now I’m lost, so lost and so angry. I’m writing this because I don’t want to wake my sons. Best to call them in the morning, it is going to be one of the hardest calls to make. Even though we knew it would happen it still devastating. I have lost the love of my life and they have lost their best friend, their Dad, I can’t stop my tears 
TessieH, I am so sorry that your husband died. I know what you are going through. It may be that paramedics are not allowed to make the decision to withhold efforts to revive a patient unless there is a DNR. I don’t know, but that may be why they tried to hard to save your husband. They felt no pulse with my husband, so no efforts were made, although there was a team of them here. I didn’t expect them to try, I knew he was gone.
These first few months are going to be hell. Cry your eyes out. Be angry. It is all very normal. You have joined a club your didn’t ask to join and can’t resign your membership. The Widow Club. It sucks.
I could give you a lot of advice, but for the moment, just get through the funeral prep and all the paperwork that comes with this horrid time. You’ll be in a fog and on auto-pilot, and I am so sorry you are just now starting this journey. It is a hard one.
Take it hour by hour. Try to eat. Try to sleep. If you get 4 hours a night, that is normal too.
One thing I can promise is that you will survive. We are all walking wounded here, but we are surviving. Almost 18 months for me and it is still a struggle, but the fog has lifted and I have been able to move forward, step-by-step.
It does get better and we learn to live with the loss. Expect 2 years or more before you feel normal again.
2 suggestions: 1) keep a notebook for all the names, dates, times, amounts, etc. because scribbles on bits of paper is chaotic, and 2) place a big tray or a platter on the kitchen counter where you will put your glasses, keys, wallet, receipts, whatever so that you don’t have to run around looking for things. Short term memory disappears.
Come here and vent your emotions, everyone is kind and we are all in different stages of our grief. We get it, all of it.
Much love from across the pond,
Peaches
how terrible for you, we are all in the same state, I’ve not slept more than 1 hour in 2months since wife died its like a living nightmare, no idea how we will all get over it,and telling people is awful xxxx
Good morning Tessie
First let me say how sorry I am for this devastating loss, the pain distress and feeling of shock feels as though you’ve been pole axed.
My advice , call your family, don’t be alone,
My husband died 31 August, after a relatively short illness, , our daughters were with me , it helped to talk , we had been married for 51 years.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Mimi
TessieH that sounds extremely traumatic to go through and very distressing. My lovely partner died very suddenly and I found him after a DVT 2 months ago. he had called me but by the time I got home he had died. Ambulances came etc. I found it helpful to treat it a bit as PTSD in the early days and talking through how I found him, CPR etc really helped ease the shock and constant thoughts after a couple of days. We are all here to support each other. I still cry every day at some stage but have got on with life a little even with the loneliness and sadness. And I have found that talking to people who have lost a partner helps as some of the feelings are universal. Take care and we are here.
I am so sorry xxx
I sympathise. My fit and well 69 year old husband had a sudden cardiac arrest when he was in bed next to me. I tried to wake him and then realised he had stopped breathing. I dialled 999 and did CPR until the ambulance arrived 15 minutes later. They got his heart started. Three weeks on life support with me at his bedside every day. Eventually they turned the machines off then, but he continued to breathe. So they stopped food and fluids until the inevitable happened.
Wish I had the answer, I guess I had to try to save him, and they had to try as well.
It was hell for me, but it would be a different kind of hell if everyone had not tried.
Who knows? Not me.
Jane xx
Thank you so much Peaches. I confess it was the need to vent that compelled me to this site. A one off I thought, but the amazing support given by, in essence, complete strangers has been cathartic and humbling.
Hi TessieH,
I am sorry you are on this crap path. Like Peaches says at the moment it’s doing the basics and trying to look after yourself. We know how hard this can be. So feel free to rant or ramble on here, as I am afraid we understand. If you have support around you please use it.
Take care.
Hi @TessieH
Just wanted to say how sorry I am that you and your family have gone through this. Take care x
Hi TessieH
So very sorry to read your message.
You have been through so much.
You are not alone. Thinking of you at this sad time. We’re all here to help. Look after yourself 
Tessie, I came here 2 weeks after my husband died. I thought I was going insane or had dementia. I felt numb and lost in a dense fog. The first 4 months are now a blur, I don’t remember much of that time. You won’t either. It is part and parcel of Widow Brain, which means you are going to be forgetful and goofy for a while.
Expect it. It will fade slowly. It is a trauma response and yes, we have all been traumatized. 18 months in and I am still goofy and a hermit. PTSD is real. I function very slowly, am indecisive, fearful of making a mistake by omission or commission. It is a tough adjustment to having to to all that it took two to manage. Don’t worry,
Eat, feed yourself and anyone or creature that depends on you for food, rest and pay the bills. Pretty much everything else can wait.
Eat nutritious food when you do eat, take your vitamins.
Overwhelmed with “things to do”? That is what the notebook is for. Follow The Rule of Fives. Make a list and check it off as you go, and note the result. Make a new list of what is left to do and add the other things that popped up out of the blue. If you get 5 things done a day, that is 35 things in a week. 150 in a month.
We survive this march.
Love and hugs,
Peaches
I forgot to add that I received a response the morning after my post which gave me such relief to know that what I was going through was normal under the circumstances. Assurance from others that what I was experiencing was to be expected and that NO ONE understands unless they have walked in these shoes.
Thank you everyone sincerely. My beautiful daughter in law came round yesterday so I decided to tackle the paperwork but when I looked at my notes after she had gone I couldn’t read them as the tears had smudged my writing I had no idea how daunting and stressful the process is. Today I’m on my own and can let the tears fall. I lost my beloved Dad 26 years ago and miss him every day. I thought it was the worse time, but losing my husband of 51 years has completely rocked my world. The smell of his aftershave still lingers in the bedroom, his clothes slung on the ottoman, which I ended putting away. Honestly that man could make an empty room untidy and I would nag him but now I look at them and think how stupid to get annoyed. I thought we had more time. He’d just got the all clear of cancer. The sun had come out, plans for a holiday was made. We could finally relax. Then the cruel hand of fate stepped in and took him away from me and I am numb, lost and angry. 
its a terrible time, 2 months since my wife was took and terrible does not describe the pain, I’m angry she was took young 60 , celebrating new years day and got took ill, I don’t know if I want to feel living like this much longer,give it more time but how long can you bare the torture of it, like most only wanted a happy life but the loneliness,stress,anxiety,depression makes you think do you really want to be in this world,
Spike what you are feeling is completely normal under these circumstances. You are in shock and it will take a while to recover from the initial horror, maybe 6 months.
The level of physical pain will ease, the anxiety will ease, the lost feeling will ease. Just no yet. It is a very difficult time but I promise you it will get better. It really does take time to adapt to this new, unwanted life.
We have to created a new life. The old one is gone, the future we planned is gone and the present is painful and scary. We no longer know who we are. People say we’ve lost our other half, but in reality we have lost our whole life and now must create a new one.
You can, and will. In the meantime, be easy on yourself. The first year will pass like a flash in hindsight, but it is miserable getting there.
I know. I’ve been in your shoes - 2 months in. I couldn’t eat, sleep, think, drive, remember anything or make a full sentence. I can now.
There was a huge shift at 10 months, where life became bearable again. I am almost normal after 18 months, but still not ever going to be who I was. My husband is always first and foremost on my mind, and I have to turn it off to get anything else done.
I am okay. You will be too. I’ve had some fun times and some joyful ones too. You will as well.
We learn to live with the loss which will always be with us.
You will be okay. Life will be good again. Never the same, but still good.
Lick your wounds. It is okay to do so.
Never expect anyone to understand what is happening unless they have walked in your shoes. No one gets it unless they have lost their own spouse. Don’t get mad at them, your life ended, theirs continues as normal.
Do whatever it is that you need to do for your own mental health and well being.
Widower’s Brain is real. Mine is till a ball of confusion, but I have learned to live with that too.
Much love and lot of sympathy from across the big pond,
Peaches
I empathise with you Spike, but reading others painful stories and how their feeling, gives me a sense of not being alone. It’s a club that no one wants to join. The support and encouragement from complete strangers is overwhelming and I for one am so grateful I found this site. It’s early days for me and still very raw and being allowed to vent without judgement is a wonderful gift and one I cannot express my gratitude enough. Stay strong and we’ll get through this.
What a wonderful response Peaches. I hope you continue on this site, your insight and advice gives me, at least some hope at the end of the tunnel. Thank you.
I hope it gets better because this is no life
Thank you for this post, gives me hope, am only 8 weeks into this unbearable time, my partner died very unexpectedly and suddenly from a cardiac arrest. It was so shock, right in front of me, luckily paramedics were already in my home, but they could not save him. My heart is broken 
I’m in turmoil. I just walk from room to room some days. I can’t go back to work. Am so lonely at times. I just cry all the time at the moment.