Dear Nel and everyone else who has posted here and shared your loss and grief, I just wanted to say thank you for being so honest and to offer you a virtual hug (a bear hug if that’s not too much). My husband died eight weeks ago. He was 57 (I am five years younger). We had gone to bed after a lovely evening. I think he got up to get his reading glasses shortly after. I found him at the bottom of our stairs the next morning. He had sat down and died - probably almost instantly - and was quite dead by the time I found him. We were together for over 25 years. We had commuted for periods but I had sworn that was over and we had great plans for the future; the lockdown had been our most intense period of togetherness since we met. I was utterly unprepared for his death, devastated by the sense that he had evaporated in an instant and pole-axed by the decisions and actions I had to take in the aftermath. Friends and family have been amazing but the tears keep flowing and I endlessly replay the events of his final hours, of finding him and the hours afterwards. Like many I am also getting my head around a sudden shift in finances and things I’m not used to doing. I keep wanting to ask where x or y was tucked away. I’ve got through most of the death-min and started to push his things a bit further away from me (he gets the top bit of the cupboard now; his razer is inside the bathroom cabinet not by the sink) but it all weighs heavily. I worry about the impact of my grief on our older teenage children. They were terribly close to him but also have very different reactions and their own lives to lead. I am also preparing to go back to work in a week and feeling quite anxious about my ability to operate. Part of me hopes it will be a relief and a diversion but I have found I am less keen to return as the weeks pass. I was determined to go back as soon as possible at the beginning so I could feel ‘normal’ again. If anyone has experience of that, I’d welcome hearing how you have managed. With best wishes and solidarity to you all.
Hi very sorry for your loss awful circumstances for you. 15 months for me and I still cry most days I took a year of work we were in lockdown as a nurse couldn’t face going back to the trust that had let my husband down with delayed treatment for cancer. I’m back at work now and can function at work it is a distraction keeping busy. I don’t think we ever feel normal. They say it get easier I think we learn to live without them. When you feel ready to go back to work do so early days for you.
My 2 grown up children were and still are my rock but grieving in a different way they have there lives to get on with. As a parent we feel we should be strong for them at first I was no use at all.
Husbands belonging I have all in same place but I know I will have to sort things out all in our own time
Take care x
My 50 year old husband died suddenly 3 months ago - we’re still waiting to hear why. It is such a shock and my two young adult children are reacting in different ways. I haven’t felt strong enough to go back to work yet but hope to soon. Friends and family have been great but the amount of paperwork I still have to do is ridiculous. Nothing can prepare us for losing the other half of us. Life can never be the same again and my outlook on life has altered completely. I can’t make sense of it at all. Sending hugs
today i lost it, this coming tues would have been our 24th wedding anniv and my first one without him. my mind went back 24yrs today and i remembered what we did, what the weather was like and everything about that day just getting ready for our wedding. i bawled my eyes out. Everyone have been telling me how strong I am and how well I’m handling everything. They haven’t realised it’s all a mask. I don’t try to put it up but happens automaticly when someone comes around which is rare. Usually it’s 3 or 4 weeks between anyone coming by for a few mins. I dread the next 3 days. I fear each one will be worse than the day before. Just don’t know how much more I can take. I had managed over the past few weeks not to cry but i’m catching up now. Next week I’m calling the coroner to get an update on the investigation over his death, been 19 weeks now. I just have to know why he died. I love you my sweetheart and miss you beyond belief.
I’m still waiting for the report 14 weeks on. It just adds to the heartbreak doesn’t it? I spent my last Wedding Anniversary with him at the Chapel or Rest - heartbreaking but at least I could see him. Next year, I won’t even be able to do that. Sending hugs
yes it does make the heartbreak so deep and delays the full grieving process no knowing how or why our loves passed. My heart goes out to you during this painful time. I have his ashes in a special urn on my mantel so I have him in a way with me but in some ways it seems to make it worse. so close yet untouchable. Thank you for the hugs and I send warm hugs back to you my friend. One day we will be reunited with our loves.
Dear Audrey-Rose
It is so unbearable really isn’t it. I spend hours just sitting by myself staring at the seat where he would be sitting. Like yourself other than our kids it is rare for anyone to drop in or even call now to just say ‘hello’. All we want is our loved ones. It is nine months now since my husband died and now I can feel I am on count down till the first anniversary. Finding each day harder and harder to function.
I too had to await an inquest but knew the cause of death as he was involved in a road traffic accident. However, the waiting and the processes before and after just add to the pain.
Will be thinking of you on Tuesday.
that’s a grueling process. The diagnosis of my wife’s condition was clear so although it was a coroner’s case (pass away <24 hrs after admission) things settled fairly quickly. But it was just one of the things we have to go through. To me it was the realization that I’m going to spend the rest of my life without the love of my life my best friend that was really hurting. Everyday when I woke up this reality is like a knife ripping through my heart again and again. Anyway I hope things get settled soon for all of you.
It’s the loss of a future that we worked so hard for that really hurts. I can continue with my job, I like it most of the time, but the whole point of it in these latter few years was to secure a good retirement for us to enjoy. That has now gone so what am I aiming for?
I feel the same. Suddenly I am at a loss. But at least work becomes a distraction to keep my sanity.
Nel my heart goes out to you having been In a very similar situation to yourself.
My husband sat on the edge of the bed sept 1 2020 and said he had a pain in his shoulder and collapsed I like you had to do cpr I did get him breathing again . To cut a long story short he made it to the hospital where myself and our two grown up kids were with him as he slipped away from us , after the nurses and doctors many attempts to save him his heart was too weak .
The day before he thought he had heart burn and was taking anti acids there were no other sign or symptoms of it being a heart attack . We were totally in shock and my world was destroyed and has been ever since . He was only 56 and we were married 33 years
Take care Karen
Unfortunately as part of the process I had to give a statement of my conversations with my husband the hours before he died. The pension companies have also asked for statements as to how he died and the circumstances of the accident. Every day just brings back the memories of that tragic and life changing day. Each day I just sit and cry at the loss of my husband - I have few friends because I only needed him. I don’t see myself as having a life anymore. I am invited into other people’s lives but always return to the empty, silence place that used to be our home.
I understand that’s a torture to go over that day again. That heartache is so unbearable.
I too had my wife as my best friend so didn’t bother to cultivate other friendship( but to be honest at this age it’s difficult to make real friends; my wife was my childhood sweetheart we were so innocent then) so dunno who to turn to. I have a cousin and mother in law but they can never replace my soulmate though they meant well.
It’s all very sad that our home once full of love, laughter and warmth were forever gone in the blink of an eye. My thoughts go to you.
That’s my thought as well. This was a home. A home where there was live and laughter. Now it looks just the same but feels very different. Home, for me, was being in his arms.
So true. I miss my husband every minute of every day. Apart from the occasions that our eldest grandson visits the house no longer has laughter.
It’s hard because even if we get to a stage where there is laughter, it will seem wrong somehow.
that’s right. Our partners’ arms were our real home our sanctuary.
You may have heard that Hong Kong my hometown is falling apart in the past 2 years terrible things happen everyday. I was very much worried but my wife always found ways to comfort me. With her I feel secure even in the worse turmoils; she was my last sanctuary in this crazy world. With her gone I don’t feel safe anymore and I have no where to escape to. It is like a boat without anchor in a stormy sea.
that fleeting joyful moments are always accompanied by thoughts of ’ it’s just a pity she/he was not here to share,’
so true. seeing stuff on tv and can only share with the cats
I understand how you feel. I thank god for this site which allows me to talk about my husband making me feel he is still hear with me. I am sat here looking through the window wondering what tomorrow will bring. I will be on my own in the morning and then my sister will come back from work. We will spend the day together and she will sleep over. We may go out for coffee or will move between her flat and mine. The following day she will go to work and I wonder how I will fill the morning. Friday I am on my own all day. I wonder what I will do to fill the day. Wash up. Play with dog. Make some lunch. I’m now struggling. Watch some TV. And so it goes in. Each day going through the motions and putting on a brave face hoping each day things will feel better. They never do. I miss my husband every day and have a gaping hole in my heart and a deep sadness and longing. The treats begin to flow and I cry for what I have lost but am so grateful for meeting him and sharing our lives together. I feel my purpose has gone and wonder if I will ever find one. I spoke to a bereavement counsellor who told me not to feel guilty for laughing and to move through my grief in my own time. I feel I want to wallow in it as moving in means losing him a little more. I hope I am making sense to someone out their. I want to be happy but don’t know how to without him. He was my whole life and still is