My husband died 4 months ago. I am all alone with no family… So far I have had a lonely weekend and thoughts go through my mind all the time which makes me so tearful. I visited my Mike in hospital the morning before he died and left him there whereas I keep saying to myself that I should have stayed with him, I keep beating myself up about that. It breaks my heart to think of my Mike all on his own. Then I keep thinking about when he was in intesive care telling the nurses not to contact me as he didn’t want to worry me. The nurses said he spoke about me right up to the last minute and they said he was a perfect patient and never moaned at all but the nurses felt they should call me and I missed my Mike by five minutes. Its the not being with Mike the day before he died and as he was dying that kills me and makes me so tearful and sad.As I write this I am in floods of tears. I just wish I could have been with him on the last day to comfort him rather than letting him die all alone. Don’t know if I can live with these thoughts as they are killing me.
Hi Sue, just felt the need to acknowledge how you are feeling over this weekend and in particular this morning. You cannot avoid these thoughts but you will learn how to live with them. They are part of yours and Mike’s story.
I recall my husband’s last six days after he was moved from a nursing home into hospital, for better pain management. He was offered a place in our local hospice but I knew he’d already started his final journey…after 42 years, I just knew. I also know for absolute certain that he chose the moment when he let go and passed away.
From what you have said about your beautiful Mike, he also chose his moment …out of pure love…the last thing he was able to do himself, thinking he would save you from more distress. You were so loved and should take that love and use it as your strength to keep on going…just hour by hour for now.
I try to set aside time for my husband during my day. Like yours it’s not busy…not filled with family. The rest of the time I focus on activities and keeping in touch with friends, a little message here and there. I know now that it’s ok not to be ok…we will get through the day and that’s enough for now. Always here for you Sue, kindest wishes, xx
Sue…
…same as what happened to me, I was not in the front room, our living room at the time my Richard needed me when he was fighting for his last breath, yet he was always there for me…this alone has been breaking my heart…
Jackie…
My mind is so messed up…now I am thinking to myself that the morning of Richards death, the last thing that would have been on his mind that morning when he got up, washed, took Toby to the pet groomer, came back home, intending to go back to collect him and hour or two later was " I am going to die today…"
Jackie…
Thank you so much Rainbow for your lovely message. So kind of you.
So sorry to hear about the loss of your husband.
I must admit I shed yet another tear when I read your message as it was so lovely.
This web site has been so comforting to me when you get such nice people such as you messaging some lovely words. It makes you think that you are not totally alone. Sounds like your husband didn’t want you to suffer either in his last few hours. We were lucky having such kind men ah! I know I was very lucky.
Do message anytime would love to keep in touch. Thank you again. Take good care Love Suex
Sue, you are most welcome and whilst I brought you more tears, I hope I left you with a lighter moment. Yes, we are all lucky to have been so loved. You take good care too and peace be with you, xx
Thank you Rainbow take good care xxx
Hi Benenden, my heart goes out to you as I know exactly how you feel. My lovely husband George at the end of November from a blood clot in his lung following a 6 week battle with cancer. On the Tuesday before he died, George became very breathless and whilst I managed to calm him down, he was admitted to hospital. I went him the next day and whilst he was obviously very poorly, the hospital told us he was in no immediate danger and they were going to start chemotherapy on the Monday. In the morning George telephoned me to tell me that the doctor’s had started their rounds so he was putting his phone on silence. I said I would see him later at visiting time and we both said ‘I love you’. Later that morning I got a call and they told me he had taken a turn for the worse and I knew at that moment he had died. I rushed to the hospital and he had gone. He was, and still is, my absolute world and I was with him all the time throughout his illness. I work full time but I was lucky that I could work from home when George was resting and I attended all his appointments with him. I slept on the sofa beside him because he was unable to sleep in our bed, and on the last night he was at home he looked at me and thanked me for everything I had done for him, he said no-one had done as much for him as me. However, I feel I still feel I let him down when he needed me most, and I so hope it was quick and he wasn’t scared and wondered where I was. The nurse who attended him said he buzzed his button and was struggling to breathe. He then collapsed forward and that was it. They worked on him for 30 minutes but could not bring him back. I will never forgive myself for not being there and ask him to forgive me all the time. My family said he died how he would have wanted too, with no one to witness it, but it does not make it any easier. Hopefully one day we will be able to reconcile ourselves to the fact that we were not with our partners in their final moments, I truly hope so. Take care xx
Hi. Debra and all. We MUST forgive ourselves. I am certain that our loved one’s would not want us to feel guilt. It happened to me. My wife had dementia and although able to recognise me she was mostly living in the past. I left that care home an hour before she passed. Should I have stayed? I just don’t know. But I am not going to beat myself up over it. She would not have wanted that.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing. The ‘what ifs’ come thick and fast, don’t they? But agonising over what may have been won’t help us or our loved ones who so want us to be happy. Bear with yourself, and be kind to yourself. It’s what they would have wanted.
Hi Debra
I was so sad to read your message but thank you so much for your message as you sound as if your sadness is so like mine. I find it so very very difficult to forgive myself for not staying in the hospital all Saturday when Mike died on the early hours of the Sunday morning. I know like your George they died the way they wanted too and that they didn’t want us to worry or stress over them but we have ah!
I feel so very lonely all the time and wish I was working as it would give me a purpose whereas I just exist now. I really hate this life. I use to be such a happy person but now I am dying inside day by day. I have lovely friends but still hate being here. The sun is shining but I couldn’t care. I never thought I would be so down like this. I do try and put on a happy face when I am with friends but inside I am thinking what the use! Keep in touch as its such a comfort to read messages as it makes me feel that I am not totally alone. Thank you again take care love Suex