Well today I was told my husband only a few months left to live after battling cancer for over year.He will come home from hospital on Mon with a full care package but he thinks he’s going to get better because they have offered him some Radiotherapy and thats good for him to think this way but its crippling me.
2 Likes
Hi there, I am so sorry to hear about your husband, it seems so cruel after battling with the cancer for over a year. When my wife was diagnosed with lung cancer it was Stage 4 already and Helen was not offered any treatment, fortunately she had 6 months. Helen accepted her diagnosis but I was in denial and I wish I had made so much more of the time we had left.
Please forgive me for sounding intrusive but did the hospital tell your husband the full facts or did they just speak to you about it? Is your husband in denial or is he trying to be brave for your sake? I ask because it worries me that you and your husband will not be making the best of the time and the best of each other. As I said I was in denial and not a day passes that I do not regret that I was not more loving and more honest. It may be difficult talking to your husband about it (having been one I know all too well).but it will be so worth for both of you. If you cannot perhaps you can get one of the Palliative care people you will get to have a chat, or another relative or friend. I am not saying force him to realise or accept, he may in his heart of heart’s do so already, and everyone has the right to approach death in the way they choose. It’s just I fear that there will be so much more emotional stress and mental torture for you both.
Whatever, make the most of him (what is his name by the way?), plenty of hugs and “I love yous”.
Take care of yourself, thinking of you both.
Alan
Thank you for replying.Bobs a person who doesn’t ask much and always as.He was there c
when they said after the scan that the Lymphoma hadn’t gone even after 13 rounds of chemo.He asked if that was it and they said he could have some Radiotherapy to help with the pain and gave him 2-3months.For some reason he’s got it in his head they said 6months and I haven’t corrected him because he thinks this Radiotherapy may give him few more months.I ask about running the bank accounts etc and he just says wait till Im better and I will sort them.I don’t want to tell him the truth because at the moment he’s well and they are sending him home on Mon with a care package.
I can see that it is difficult, and when you are feeling well the last thing you want to think about is not being well ! I think you are going to need some help on this and as soon as you can contact someone from the Palliative Care team and explain the situation - they are very used to dealing with exactly this sort of thing and will treat Bob with the utmost consideration. Whilst Bob may be a bit fearful himself I am sure he is thinking of protecting you too but can’t see at the moment how difficult it is for you.
If you are able to tell Bob that you post on this site give him my best wishes, and I send my best wishes to you too. I hope others on this site will post too, the more ideas and experiences shared the better.
Alan
Hello Daughter2tall
I lost my son in December, he had a brain tumour 4 years before, had an 18 hour operation to remove it and we had just over 4 years altogether. He was rediagnosed in August 2016 as it had reappeared in an inoperable place. He tried to battle but it was too aggressive. I made the most of every moment and I made it count (he was 34) please try to do that for yourself as well as your husband, because when it happens you can look back and know that you did your absolute best. Grieve after the event enjoy the time now that you have together storing memories that you can remember later. I sound harsh I know and for that I apologise but I just feel you need to focus on both of you for now. Worry about everything else after.
With love Helen
1 Like
Hi,How sad for you Im so sorry.Im trying to get Bob home tomorrow he’s not being treated now so cant see what the problem is.
I spoke to the Staff nurse today and she said he understands how long he’s got but I said he didn’t not sure if he does or not but I think not.
Hes a man so they don’t talk like we do,He made a list of places he wants to go to and I laughed and said really.Im terrified about him coming home because last time I was exhausted and he was only home for a week.
He cant walk now and constant headaches that the Hospital seem to be ignoring.Its a good Hospital for cancer but nursing care nil…nobody offers to bring a dish for him to get washed or offer him a bowl to brush his teeth.I an do all that when he’s home.
Hi Daughter2tall
Hope you can get Bob home today and that they have a care package in place, both daily care to help with Bob’s domestics and a palliative care team who can help with the actual pain and helping Bob prepare for the end. It sounds very much to me that he does understand from what you say about the list of places he wants to go.
I don’t know whether you or Bob have thought about a hospice at all - remember if it all gets too much there are some very caring hospices out there. Even if you think not, or are not sure, make some enquiries now - it’s always a good idea to have a plan B. Hope you can make the most of each other and as Helen said to you, worry about everything else afterwards.
Best wishes
Alan
Hi
I know exactly what you mean about exhaustion, Sam stayed with me, and towards the last couple of weeks found it difficult to walk we have a downstairs shower room and John my partner would get him up and have to hold him in the shower so he wouldn’t fall over, he loved it as it was a rain shower (maybe it made him feel more normal?) I did the drying of him. He was also incontinent those last couple of weeks so I changed his clothes jogging bottoms and top etc around four or five times a day threw it in the wash and then the tumble dryer so that he was always warm and cared for. I didn’t know sometimes where I would get the strength to carry on but believe me you get it from somewhere. This is why I was absolutely adament that Sam would not go in a hospice or hospital. The hospice care ( you can get in touch with them through the hospital) will provide care at home as well. I didn’t want them in as Sam didn’t realise (I think) that he was dying. Between myself and my partner we did everything and he died here at home warm loved and surrounded by all his family and his very close friend. If you can do it and I know the strength it takes, you will be able to take a lot of comfort from that when the time comes. You have to be very strong and also very ‘pushy’ with the hospital, but also with your own GP and they will provide you with the help at home. It is also nicer knowing he is at home with you for him which is the important thing, do you have any other close family that can help ease your burden if only providing an ear for you?
With much love Helen
Thank you I have after much stamping of my feet got him home,He’s very ill and cant keep any medication down .This as been going on now for 2 weeks without much success from the staff at the Hospital.I feel they have addressed the cancer but not the caring side.Tomorrow I will ring the Hospice for advice as I feel we have been left to sort things out our selfs.
Hi sorry to hear this. Pm anytime.
Hi Helen and Daughter2tall
When my Mum was diagnosed with Mesothelioma in June 2015, we were told that we more than likely wouldn’t get that Christmas. I knew it was even more serious than that but not sure my Sister did.
Some people may criticise us but we just carried on. We didn’t discuss the end as Mum would have got more stressed. Although thinking back it was a very sad time we also had laughs and enjoyed our time together. Made special memories. We lost her just 8 weeks after I got married. Although she will never see my daughter, she saw me get married in the August. That will never leave me. It was still out of the blue.
Not dwelling on the inevitable was more important for me. I used to say, ‘I’m not wasting time crying while Mum is still here. I’ll have loads of time for that’
Take care
Hi Helen and Daughter2tall
When my Mum was diagnosed with Mesothelioma in June 2015, we were told that we more than likely wouldn’t get that Christmas. I knew it was even more serious than that but not sure my Sister did.
Some people may criticise us but we just carried on. We didn’t discuss the end as Mum would have got more stressed. Although thinking back it was a very sad time we also had laughs and enjoyed our time together. Made special memories. We lost her just 8 weeks after I got married. Although she will never see my daughter, she saw me get married in the August. That will never leave me. It was still out of the blue.
Not dwelling on the inevitable was more important for me. I used to say, ‘I’m not wasting time crying while Mum is still here. I’ll have loads of time for that’
Take care
Hi Helen
Your experience with Sam was the same as with my Mum. She never went back home and stated with my Sister. She loved the time she had with her 3 granddaughters but we could see the sadness when she looked at them. That was more worse for us than the fact that we would lose her eventually.
I don’t reckon how we dealt with Mum’s last 3 months.
Hope you’re doing ok
Take care
Hi I am new here and my husband died less then a few weeks ago. I found it so hard to get the support we needed until the hospice were able to offer care. My heart goes out to others in the position of caring for a loved one with pain and mobility problems. You end up so sad for the one you love and so tired yourself.
Hello Bleu
There is nothing that I can say to you that will help ease your pain but all I will say is that your husband’s spirit will stay around you, talk out loud to him he will hear you. I lost my son Sam in December 2016, he was 34 to a brain tumour. He stayed with me here at home I knew he did not want to go to a hospital. This site is so good you are able to be honest about your feeling whether you are having a reasonable day or a really bad day, everyone on this site has lost someone and so can genuinely say…I know how you are feeling. Some people say this trying to help but until you have gone through the worst possible thing that can happen to you you cannot possibly know but here everyone is going through this terrible grief so they do understand.
Write again
with love
Helen