Hi i lost my husband las august aged 45 from cancer he died in wheatfield we have two boys one 10 one 14 it was just devostating we only found out in january off last year he had cancer our world has turned upside down my 14 year old has taken it so bad wont even talk about his dad it hurts too much my heart is broken without my husband we miss him so much
Good morning. It sounds like you’re going through a terribly difficult time. It’s always hard when a loved one dies, and can feel even harder when you have to worry about children and how they’re coping too.
People grieve in different ways and everyone will handle things differently. Have you read any of the other posts on this community yet? It’ll be worth having a look to see what others are saying about their experiences.
Em wrote a post about how she felt when her Dad died (she was 17 at the time) - have a read about it here - and she talks about how hard she found it and what exactly made it so hard. She talks about having time to grieve which is really very important. It might help you relate to what your boys are feeling?
We have some information on our site too about how you can cope with bereavement. Towards the bottom of that piece you can find some links to other organisations that might be helpful too.
Our community here only started on Tuesday, but already people have found it to be helpful. Reading and sharing will definitely help as other people will be able to offer their advice from going through similar things.
when my Dad died I was 17 and for ages and ages afterwards, the last thing I wanted to do was talk to my Mum about it, because it really upset me seeing my Mum get upset so often so I just didn’t speak to her about my Dad or his illness or his death. It did not mean that I wasn’t upset about my Dad’s death because I really was. Instead of speaking to my Mum, I talked a lot to teachers at school and friends. I knew my Mum was hurting and I thought she’d worry more if she knew I wasn’t coping.
It could be similar for your sons. I know my brother found it hard to talk as well and he was 13 at the time. But, what my Mum said to me which I really appreciated was something very similar along the lines of “I’m always here if at any time you want to talk about anything”. If you haven’t already, try saying that because that way, they know that they can open up to you when they feel ready to. I’m saying all of this from the perspective of a young person who lost their Dad but I understand that as a parent you may see it very differently.
I hope this has helped a bit.
That’s really helpful advice, Em.
I’m so sorry for your loss, I understand how your heart feels broken and how difficult it is for your sons to talk about their dad. Have you been put in touch with any young people’s bereavement groups/ organisations? I know they can be helpful.
Last year my brother in-law passed away after fighting skin cancer and then lung cancer for about 2 years, he was married to my wife’s sister. Before his death my wife and her sister were really close, they spoke on the phone daily and met every week, after the death of her brother in-law my wife did not know what to say or how to react to her sisters grief so she did the worst thing she could, she stopped phoning, I asked her why she did not phone her sister any more she replied “I cant listen to her crying, I find it too upsetting”. After a couple of months her sister phoned her, crying and asked if she had fallen out with her and why she didn’t love her now that her husband had gone? She really thought that my wife’s feelings had changed, after more tears and a frank discussion about how each other felt and swapping stories about his life they are now closer than ever and her sister is slowly getting her life back on track.
Hi Shanny, my husband died of cancer and I was left with 2 boys, one will talk, one wont. However I have learnt that this is ok, and they both deal with it in different ways. I told them both that if they wanted to be upset that that was fine because they thought that by them crying it would upset me. I also told them that that we were doing this as a team, so if one of us is upset the others might feel stronger that day. Talk about happy times, funny times, the things their dad did that were really silly - like can you remember the day your dad put in a new pair of jeans with all the school shirts and they all came out blue …yes it DID happen to me!!!
However, you also really have to look after yourself and grieve in YOUR own way, I felt so lonely and although people said ring any time it was at my lowest point when I needed someone I just couldnt phone, an odd situation. Grief hurts. If your hospice has a bereavement support team I urge you to contact them…now…and you will find that they will help the you.
That’s really helpful advice Jeannie, thank you for sharing it.
Having to look after children as well as yourself can sometimes make things harder but it sounds like your “team” approach worked well, and it is important - as you say - to recognise that people will deal with grief in different ways. There is no right or wrong way…
Thanks again for coming along and sharing.
Hi shanny I feel so sorry for you. I lost my husband one and a half years ago but he had had progressive ms diagnosed at the age of 40 and a terrible decline over the next 20 years. So I had a long time to prepare for his death but ultimately that did not help. I keep busy, it’s the only way I can cope.
hi thanks for advice my son wouldnt talk about his dad he wouldnt even let me say his name it hurt too much for him i couldnt even bring happy memories up but now we have just had my husbands forst year anniversary and my son is talking about his dad more now and hes also havin counciling too thank you so much for your advice
hi jeannie thanks for reply one off my sons is disabled and does really know whats happened to his dad it was my 14 year old that was struggling we have just had my husbands forst year off anniversary and my son is talking more now about his dad the first 8 months we couldnt even say his dads name talk about his dad or even share memories but now hes talking alot more about his dad and having counciling thank you so much tor your advice and replying to me sorry its a late reply