My Husband

I lost my Husband last July the day after our 17th Wedding Anniversary he was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer
Less than 3 months before. We had actually been together 30 years. He was absolutely fine the day before but got up the next morning and brought blood up everywhere. I tried CPR on him as I was a carer so am trained but I couldn’t bring him back and I feel guilty about that , I feel did I do enough. The paramedics worked on him for half an an hour but it was no good he had gone. I sleep every night ( well I don’t sleep really )with his dressing gown on his side of the bed sprayed with his favourite aftershave . I cry all the time, shut myself away and only go out if I have to. The pain of losing the love of my life, my soulmate, my best friend is unbearable. I have his ashes and talk to him all the time. He treated me like a Prince and I miss him,.my heart is totally broken and I am a different person now without him. We bouth loved Christmas but I didn’t do it last year just shut myself away with a bottle of wine and didn’t want to see anyone. I was invited to goto family and friends but I felt I didn’t want to put a downer on their Christmas or have them treat me with kit gloves. It will be his 55th Birthday on Saturday and I’m dreading it as I know I am going to be an emotional wreck.


Yes i get that you shut yourself away as that is what I did too when I lost my husband. I also held his dressing gown as well. He wore that all the time he was ill. Reading your post reminded me.
I dont have ashes as he was buried.

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Hiya. You know what, you will be an emotional wreck on Saturday but that’s OK. My gorgeous boy had a catastrophic heart attack on the 18th December. Then there was Christmas, then new year, then his birthday on January 9th and the funeral on the 10th. Safe to say it was a rough few weeks. But I’m still here. Still plodding on. I had to just go with the emotion and let everything happen around me. It’s still your husband’s birthday on Saturday, he’s still 55 on that day. Celebrate in whatever way feels right for you. Get emotional, be a wreck. Its fine. We always said that we would be together for eternity. And I totally believe we will. It’s just that he has gone to check it out. Does this help? Maybe not but just know that you are not alone. Take care x


Hi Arvia sorry for your loss what a nice way of looking at it, ‘he’s just gone to check it out’ never thought of that it’s quite settling. I lost my husband May 1st and now coming upto his 1st birthday without him I’m dreading it but have discussed it with my daughter and we’re going to celebrate it althrough I know there’s going to be tears a lot of them you all take care

Well his second birthday not around has happened and gone now.
The cards on his grave, present: memorial grave pot with his photo on, daffodils growing and in water and his marker revarnished. Now some say it is like a shrine with a poem etc. But the kids liked putting flowers in and sticking things in it. Helps their feelings. Helps to feel a bit better.
We say if he is looking down what he would say.
That he would be pleased that we miss him but not to worry about him. That he would be alright. But he wasnt in sense he died. But he would like it if we shared food. He would say he would want that. He would have cleaned the loos ready and been hands on. I am still learning to do it all.
But glad they had a nice meal. Reminds me of my mother in law doing it.