My gorgeous Peter lost his fight for life yesterday. He battled with Pulmonary Fibrosis for the last 2.5 years and recently deteriorated quickly.
Even though this has been expected over the last week it’s still so incredibly hard to comprehend that he will never be in my life again.
Also, my role as his carer, particularly over the last few months has just ended suddenly and I feel I have no purpose now as our lives have been all consumed by this devastating disease.
I miss him greatly - where to I go now and how do I navigate this new journey. 
6 Likes
Oh Suebuzz I really feel for you. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I’m 6 weeks onto this journey now and I never thought I’d get this far. The funeral was yesterday and now I feel that the heartbreak has started all over again
Please just go with your feelings, if you want to cry, cry, if you want to get angry thats ok. It’s an incredibly hard journey but one step at a time, day by day you will get there. Please try to get out somewhere everyday , just a walk in the fresh air can help. You don’t mention whether you’ve got support from family and friends, if you have please lean on them. You have got love and support from everyone on this forum. We’re all here for each other, and it really does help. We’re all in this together and we all understand exactly how you’re feeling because we’re going through the same emotions
Please take care, love and hugs xx
5 Likes
So so sorry for your loss, my thoughts are with you, the first few weeks your doing so much, at 12 weeks I wonder each day how I got through the day before but you will find strength.
2 Likes
Thank you for your kind response. I know I have to take it bit by bit but I really never expected to feel as bad as I do. Because he was suffering I thought I would find peace but I’m just angry and sad. He was the nicest person I have ever met and kept me grounded and he didn’t deserve this at all.
2 Likes
Yes your right and to be honest I think even if we found out sooner, he wouldn’t have had chemotherapy as he had battled type 2 diabetes for 10 years & his kydneys weren’t in great shape, in the end he threw in the towel with his meds as well, so he only deteriorated in the last 2 weeks ss I think he knew it was a fight he wasn’t going to win.
1 Like
I’m so sorry,
I cared for my wife until her last breath and I totally understand that feeling of “what do I do now”. I was utterly confused as I would imagine you are. I remember that I was so wrapped up in taking care of her that I never realized how sick she was and when she was gone my whole purpose for the last year no longer existed. I was bouncing off the walls for a while, but I know from experience that it gets calmer as we realize the reality of it all.
My heart goes out to you and I wish you peace in the hard days ahead.
5 Likes
I don’t think knowing really makes a difference, the shock and crippling pain still hit. And the thought of carrying on alone is terrifying
Please try to take one day at a time and accept love and support if you have it.
I’m still fairly new to this strange club we’re all in but I’m trying to take it as it comes.
Please keep posting, it does help to talk to others who really understand
2 Likes
Thank you for your kind words. Looking back I should be proud of myself in how I was caring for him, going back & forth to the hospital, staying in the hospice. It surprising how you find the inner strength and I suppose it just all collapses when they pass x
Yes you should be proud of yourself as we all should. Like you I became main cate in the last few weeks and to my shame a couple of times I lost my temper, people try to reassure me its ok, I was emotionally and physicaly exhausted. But its still there, I still had a go at him when he couldnt help it. I know he forgave me, he panicked if I wasn’t in sight
But now as you know we are just left with this awful nothingness, trying to rebuid our shattered lives. I’m trying, I try to get out everyday and keep busy at home, but that’s just keeping my head just above water. When I’m on my own I crumble, especially mornings, if I’ve slept, when I wake the realisation hits again, and its like losing him all over again.
This forum has been a lifeline for me and I hope you will keep posting too.my family are taking me out today so thatll be a nice dustraction
Still got to come back to an empty house though.
Take care
Love and hugs
Liz x x
3 Likes
Yeh I think that is one of the worst things. I pop round my mums like I’ve always done, about 2 or 3 times a week, except when I come home now the house is empty, even if he was only on his tablet or watching tv.
I feel the same , every morning when I wake ( usually about 4 or 5 as I can never get back to sleep once woken at all nowadays ) and she’s not next to me in bed the whole thing starts again , complete emptiness and it smacks me in the face that she’s never going to be next to me again.
4 Likes
I know it’s like waking up from a bad reoccurring dream.
So sorry for your loss do you have any family or friends for comfort I find this group has been a god send since losing my angel last July he was only 51 I’ve learnt to do things myself because friends only visit first few months then your alone but I’ve managed to go bingo and the odd day out when weather better greif I’d love with no place to go find comfort knowing Peter is free from pain and will always be with you take care for now
2 Likes
It really is the worst ever reoccurring nightmare , only it’s real life now ….
I have great family and a good mate around who constantly check up on me , the kids have been great although devastated themselves they don’t want to leave me alone , probably worried I will go with her to be honest .
1 Like
I felt I wanted to be with my angel but wasn’t fair on my daughters they need me even though they are older it was a shock and still is his passing was so sudden and 51 is no age
Same with my wife , only 57 . If one more person says oh that’s no age I swear I will not hold back anymore and will likely lose it with them , do they think I don’t f’ing know that already !
Thank you , yes I have my mum, daughters, his best mate and my best friend and they all talk to me on a daily basis. I am thankful that he didn’t suffer too long, putting the liver cancer aside, I think he wouldn’t have had a good quality of life as his kydneys were in trouble due to his type 2 diabetes.
1 Like
Sounds a bit like my fiancé he had diabetes aswell sorry for your loss wish mine got eh help he needed he tried so hard with the doctors but hardly got any appointments and when he did it was too late