Morning all, I am reaching out to ask for guidance, advice, coping tips to help get me through what would have been my husband’s 50th birthday on Tuesday. My beloved husband passed suddenly and unexpectedly on the 1st of February this year and I am struggling so badly to cope without my best friend by my side. Neil was and still is everything to me and it’s breaking my heart that he was taken away far too soon and will never get to experience everything that we had planned.
Against my better judgement I have organised a family meal for tomorrow, couldn’t comprehend holding this on his actual birthday. I say against my better judgement, because I only organised it because I felt pressured by my in-laws. They are expecting a proper 50th party for their son, and I just don’t think I have it in me to give them what they want. I’m struggling to even decorate a cake as I don’t know what to put. It feels so wrong to put ‘Happy 50th Neil’ as he isnt here to share the day with us.
If anyone could share their experiences of how they ‘coped’ with similar occasions I would really appreciate it.
Many thanks for reading, and to those who are struggling with the loss of their loved one, I send you my love and support.
I’m so sorry you lost your husband at such a young age, and so recently too. Having a birthday in his honour at what would have been his 50th is indeed a brave move so early on in your bereavement.
I don’t have any personal experience of such a situation myself, but am sure others on here will be very helpful and and reach out to you.
All I will say is that each of us deals with grief in different ways - and once tomorrow is over, I hope you will be allowed to grieve in your own way and not to be pressured by others, however close. The whole family must be suffering his loss dreadfully.
You sound such a caring person, but right now please put your needs first, and know that others on here are wishing you all the very best on what will doubtless be a difficult day.
We are thinking of you, so let us know how you get on.
My wife died just one month before our Golden Wedding. We didnt have a funeral, but a Direct cremation (Coop are highly recommended!)
I wasnt going to let her go without celebrating her life, so on our anniversary, I booked a room at our local pub and ordered a lovely buffet. I invited anyone who wanted to come, and about 40 turned up.
Everybody was asked to wear bright clothes, and come along determined to celebrate her life with me and not mourn her death.
We had a big screen on the wall and scrolled photos of her life across it. My mate wrote a song and played it for her on his guitar, I sang her favourite song to her, and many people stood up and related funny stories about her, and quite a few toasts were held… I limited this lunchtime do to 2 hours, so we had to be lively to get it all in, and there was no chance to drift on. Lots of smiles, laughs and hugs (mainly with me), with just a few discrete tears and we all left happy to have said goodbye in a way which said how much we all loved her.
The keys to it’s success is that:
It was 100% my idea. I didn’t care one jot if anyone thought we should be solemn (Nobody did!)
The content was planned and choreagraphed to a degree(My niece was MC)
The time was limited and wasn’t allowed to drift on.
I forgot to invite anyone who I knew wouldn’t enter into the spirit, and those Penny and I didnt like, and nobody uttered those words people always seem to want to say at funerals, in fact I dont remember anyone giving me sympathy, I think they all know I never want that.
We turned what could have been a miserable affair into a happy, memorable occasion. I might do the same on our Diamond Wedding anniversary, if I’m still about. I also intend to celebrate every wedding anniversary and birthday with our closest friends.
When I got home and was alone, I had a good cry for a while, but I have a huge smile on my face when I remember this day.
You can be as happy as you choose to be, because it’s all about you!!!
Celebrate his life with you, because it’s worth it.