My husbands grief is ruining us

Hi I’m new to this sight. I don’t know what to do. My husbands father died a year ago the anniversary just 2 weeks ago. My husbands birthday is coming up next week and what would have been his father’s birthday the week after. Since his father died My husband has been difficult to live with. I hate saying this out loud because I havnt lost a parent and don’t know how it feels. But I feel like my husbands blaming me for not understanding. He’s nasty, rude, cold. He says things like it’s OK for you your dad’s still here. I’m at my wits end I feel like I’m walking on egg shells, he says he loves me but doesn’t feel love for me or anything anymore. He won’t go anywhere doesn’t want to go for dinner or drinks with me. No interest in holidays or days out. Our sex life was non existent he was drinking so much at the start he developed swollen prostate that took about 6 months to get better. He blamed that for lack of sex drive and no feelings of emotions. It’s been cleared up for 4 weeks now and things have gotten worse he hardly speaks to me, falls asleep on the sofa straight after dinner then wakes just before I go to bed then he sits up watching TV all night sometimes not coming to bed. I feel so selfish saying this but I’m lonely… I try to be supportive I ask how he’s feeling, I suggest things to do, I work look after our son do all housework, he goes to work and that’s it. I love him and I want to fix things but he says he’s fine. This last week things have been really strained and he has suggested moving into his mums house a few days a week… I don’t know how to feel about this. Is it just a step away to take time out?or is it the first step to leaving me? My emotions are everywhere I don’t know how to behave round him. Do I hug someone that feels no emotion for me? Do I give a kiss goodnight? Do I initiate sex? Do I say I love you? All the things I want to do and say and don’t because I’m scared or 1. Him not saying or doing it back and me feeling rejected or 2. It making him uncomfortable and pushing me further away.
Sorry for the long post I just needed to get it off my chest.


I’m sure your husband has no room inside his head and heart to think about anything other than his dad. I’m amazed he is able to go out to work. If he wants to move in with his mam you shouldn’t stand in his way. Maybe they can comfort each other. Life stops. It is an effort for me to even get out of bed. You have not been touched by grief. It will floor you. I’m sure he just wants to be with his dad. My sister has just turned up on my doorstep because I won’t answer the phone or see anyone because of the pressure they are putting on me to be ok and to take medication because I am so upset. I just wish I had died with my mam. She died in November, after a week of being diagnosed with cancer. I wanted to crawl into her coffin at the chapel of rest. I still want to hold her little purple fingers and tell her I love her. Stop thinking about what you want from your husband. They never will be again. And time does not heal. He will carry this with him for the rest of his life, a vast emptiness that his dad filled.

I’m on here trying to get help and support in order to help my husband and save our 15years of marriage. I can see things from everyone’s point of view I’m very sorry for how your feeling and although I havnt been touched by grief as you said it doesn’t make me heartless or or have no emotions. I’m not forcing my husband to do anything he doesn’t want to. I’m doing everything on my own with a smile on my face so as not to put pressure on him. I thought if I let out my feelings on this sight I could find someone to say you know what it’s OK to feel how you feeling and you shouldn’t feel bad for feeling hurt or lonely. Because as much as you can’t control your feelings of grief I also can’t control my emotions of feeling like I’ve lost my husband, or feeling useless because I can’t help him heal his hurt. I hope you open the door to your sister because she’s only trying to do what she can because she loves.


Hi there. I’m grieving my mum and it’s been just over a year . I suffer from BPD which has triggered a huge anxiety relapse, so it’s fair to say that I don’t feel my best . I’m now going to try bereavement counselling. I’m meditating on a daily basis in order to try to get some sort of life back but it’s so difficult. I think grief takes us by surprise with its intensity because I never expected it to be quite this bad . I don’t know if you have considered any counselling- obvs I can’t speak from experience yet BUT I know my mum really would want me to move forward in a more positive way and to be happy x


Thank you I appreciate your reply


Thank you for your reply I have suggested us both trying counselling but unfortunately my husband doesn’t think he needs it. He’s trying his best to get through it alone and I won’t force him. I think I might try myself though as it would be a healthy way for me to let out my emotions without being made to feel I’m wrong. I hope that it helps you to be in a place that you feel more positive because as you say your mum would want you to live a happy life :blush:


Sorry to hear of your trouble TL79. It sounds like your husband may be depressed and might need some talking therapy from a professional? You sound like you are doing everything right, and doing it very kindly too. You are NOT being selfish, the exact opposite I would say.


Yes you have lost your Mum and are devastated, I have been there so I know how it feels but three weeks after Mum passed my husband took a heart attack and could not be revived :cry: as if that was not bad enough I then lost my Dad so if anyone knows grief then I think I am up there :trophy: but I would never have judged TL79 the way you have. She is fighting for her marriage and trying to understand what her husband is going through in order to help him. She is anything but selfish, she is struggling with how to deal with things and is putting her Husband first so maybe you should take a think in future before you respond to posts in such a negative manner.


I think you are behaving acceptably … I think hubby needs to give you a break.


counseling is an excellent idea … I sought it and it helped


Hi @TL79

So sorry to hear of what’s going on in your life just now and you must be emotionally and physically exhausted keeping up.
From what I’ve read from your post it sounds to me like your husband is trying to prove to himself that he’s ok and can handle it when in fact he comes across to me as a little depressed from not possibly grieving. For him to agree to and go to counselling he would then have to admit there was an issue he’s not dealing with…he will in time I’m sure and then he’ll appreciate your kindness and love.

I know that when people were being kind to me after my mum died (and still am) I sometimes react badly because I feel that they are only being kind to me cause of my loss and that makes me sad. Even though I know they are doing it because they care and love me it’s a reminder of my loss. Perhaps your husband is feeling in a similar way :woman_shrugging:

You know your husband better than anyone even though it probably feels like you don’t and I would seek some counselling for yourself as they will be able to guide you as to what to do when that tough exterior does crack.
Perhaps just treat him/talk to him like you normally would but don’t tread on eggshells as you wouldn’t normally accept being talked to etc like that from him.

Remember and take care of yourself in all this and I may be way off the mark with my comments but we are all here to help each other.

Suzanne x


Hi I’ve just joined this group a d I’m so surprised to read such a negative post, this group is to support people not give them a hard time.


Awe I m sorry you had such spite from someone who is clearly hurting but choose not to take on board what you’ve said . And you put it well . I am a gay guy married to a wonderful husband but when my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer and lived for 6 months and died 2020 I was very hard work . I was terribly close to my mum indeed lived with her up until I was 50 even though I owned my own place but 15 mins away . Upshot I gave up work and moved in with her to care for her though hubby was supportive it was difficult as I made no excuses that he came second to mum and of course part of me worried that if by some miricle mum survived and prognosis was wrong my feet would of stayed within mums home . I had no dad so mum was my sole parent and loss hit me hard . I can now see how difficult I must of been to live with .Of course it’s true to say that until you loose someone close you don’t know what it’s like but you do feel the fallout and of course you have your own needs and emotions . I would say by all means let your hubby spend some time with his mum but I think you should have a chat with your mother in law about how you are feeling . True ah may be lost in her own grief but at least mums always no their sons and can have a chat . Your husband is probably as fixated in his mums welfare now and perhaps if relationships are good with mum in law you could all live together ? My loss had me realise I had no support or compassion from my siblings and certainly came no closer from our joint loss , this in itself a harsh reality but something that is evident . I hope you can resolve things perhaps time with his mum will help him people can make rash decisions in grief and you hurt the ones you love :heart: suggest counselling and try and talk things out . I think as a gay man I was able to do that with my husband but was a journey . And he has lost both his parents so did know but of course I played the " but I’d lived with my mum for 50 years ! " and of course if I’m honest that was my choice so perhaps my loss was of my own making for not being more independent and living my own life . I wish you well and hope you both grow and move on from this dark place love and light David


Hi there. Well I think grief counselling would give you a safe space to say things that , perhaps you feel you can’t say to your husband. Actually I’ve been knocked sideways by losing mum and I now feel it’s the right time to try to get some better ways of coping . I realise just how hard this is because my OH lost his mum in 2008 and seemed to grieve very quickly. I’m not sure if that was the best way , but it wasn’t my situation or place to tell him this . We are all very different and react in different ways I suppose. I hope you can find your way through this in a positive and hopefully a happier way d


Actually I’m not very easy to live with in my grief either . Some days it’s all consuming and although I try to understand the point of view of my OH , I do tend to get frustrated. X


Hello everyone,

Please see my message below about this thread.

Take care,

Hello everyone,

I’m sorry to see that there’s been some disagreements on this thread - please know we take these sorts of things seriously. I have taken some time to read through each post - I need to let you all know that I have made a number of edits to several posts, in line with our community guidelines, and because the community is a safe, supportive and non-judgemental space, whatever your thoughts, feelings and experiences.

As a reminder, please see the below extracts from our guidelines:

Be supportive

Many people using this community will be going through a difficult time and are here for help from us and from you.

Keep it friendly

We are a diverse community, we ask everyone to be respectful. We take a strong stance against hate speech, bullying, discrimination, racism, sexism, and homophobia.
…Don’t post anything that could cause upset or that treats anyone unfairly… Be respectful and don’t post personal attacks.
It is fine to disagree with someone, but do so respectfully and concentrate on disagreeing with the opinion without attacking the person who posted it. Do not use posts to air personal grievances about other users.

As these guidelines state, we are a diverse community which means everyone’s experiences are different - if you are going to respond to a post, please make sure you are only doing so respectfully, without personally attacking another member.

Finally, thank you @TL79 for starting this thread and for bravely sharing some of your story. You are welcome here - we do hope you find the community helpful and supportive as you process all that is going on at the moment, for you and your Husband. Thank you also to those members who have taken the time to thoughtfully support and advise TL79.

I will now reopen the thread - we will continue to monitor the situation and take further action if we need to. Please think about the impact of your words before you post something - if you have any concerns at all, you can use the :black_flag: icon (below each post) to report posts/concerns to the Online Community Team.

Please take care and please be kind,