Good morning, @James71
I am so sorry that you feel this way. There is nothing I can say that will console you. I can only say that I have been through the same thing recently, 7 months ago. Things started to go wrong about this time last year.
My husband and soul mate started to sleep a lot. I had just recovered from COVID19, so we thought he’d god that too. I’d slept for a month and he’d done everything for me, so it was fine for him to take time off.
We’d bought the house of our dreams in January 2020, before COVID came here - I got it in Dublin in 2019 when I met some students at a university there. Nobody who treated me had a clue what was going on. And then lockdown came and took our summer away.
Jim died at home with me in September, after 12 precious days. He’d been in hospital for more than 3 weeks, but because the NHS is exhausted and terrified of the second wave, which we all knew was coming, he’d have been better off at home.
Neither of us were told anything at all, until he was forced to sign a DNR. I wasn’t even told about that, which is illegal, however, legalities matter little these days. My husband didn’t matter to the consultant.
I blame the registrar and the admitting consultant, who I understand are now frantically lying and lying and trying to pass the buck to anyone else they can sling it at. I took the precaution of getting my husband’s case notes first, because I simply could not understand what had happened. I said that at the time, however when I read them I became angrier and angrier, so I complained. As a patient’s next of kin, I can do this. The problem they have is that nothing they say can override what they said in their notes, which I have. That’s that.
Once upon a time, a long time ago, I was an aspirant medical student, I did a lot of nursing, but I never become a doctor. I am a writer and have been for most of my working life.
All I can say is that today is a new day. It’s after Easter, and in a week, the lockdown that has made life a living hell for too many of us, will be lifting again. Stores will open, not just food shops, but all sorts of shops, the streets will become busy again, although I am still going to wear a mask.
Summer is coming, this could be a perfect summer to get out and try to enjoy life again. Would your wife want you to mourn her forever? I can’t answer that question, but I know that my husband doesn’t want me to mourn forever.
We will always be soulmates, that is a fact. But apart from that, I am alive and upon this earth, whilst I really believe he is watching from Heaven. Not literally, of course, but I believe that in time we will meet again. I also know that our dogs that we have loved and lost will be there with him now. He’ll meet his mum and dad again, and he’ll get to meet for the first time my mum and dad.
That’s my choice. That is how I have dealt with it - and I am still struggling, very very much at times.