My husband. David passed away 09-14-25. He was my rock.
In October 24, I had 3 brain hematomas. I was dying, rushed to surgery then rushed to surgery the next day. No one expected me to live. I suffer with a strange undiagnosable bleeding disorder. I’m told that I will most likely have another hematoma any time. David managed my medication, he kept a journal, took me to appointments, kept up with my meals, helped me with baths, assisted me when I walked everything. I can’t remember yesterday. I can’t drive 2 miles to the grocery store without getting lost for hours. My children live to far away except one who is to busy with his life. So, I’m alone 99% of the time. I don’t want to suffer like I did with the last hematomas, I don’t want to die a tortured death. I would rather plan a kinder way to die. Who wouldn’t if they were in my situation?
I’m so sorry to read about your loss. It sounds like you feel alone.
I just wanted to reach out to thank you for sharing so honestly and to let you know there is lots of other support out there. I would really encourage you to speak to someone about how you are feeling. The following website might help you find support services closer to home: https://help.befrienders.org/
You deserve care and support, @SoAlone - keep on reaching out.
Can you move closer to your children if that would help? Or, is there any service in your area that could help you manage your care, meds and meals at least? Can you have groceries delivered or get enough for 2 weeks so minimal trips? Maybe write down your main worries and try to target each one w/ possible solutions? I’m sorry for your loss. You have the emotions to deal w/ and all of this stuff, too, w/ your own care.
I considered moving but since my income is now half of what it was, I’m can’t afford anything over $700 per month. In Philadelphia, that’s impossible. I have a son who lives nearby and he does call every now and then. I really can’t depend upon him for occasional help. He’s disabled, can’t drive, and he’s very irresponsible with his finances and always out of money and unable to buy groceries etc. This really is stressful as I am always worried about him and I can’t afford to help him. I don’t consider myself extremely depressed. I believe that any person who is living with a serious illness that has a negative impact on their daily living should have a right to end their physical and mental suffering. I don’t like the new life I have been thrust into. I don’t have anyone who can be with me 24/7 helping me physically, assuring I am eating and taking my medication, and most importantly when my illness is causing great suffering, I don’t have anyone who will be with me through the pain and great fear. Who would choose to live under such a dark cloud ?
I wonder if social services in the greater Philadelphia area can help you. They could help you w/ resources since your income is low. There’s stuff out there, but you need someone to help you plug into it. The Northeast has more support services and safety nets than other regions of the US. It sounds like you’re depressed, understandably so. Maybe if this is helped, the other stuff will fall in place better. It’s hard to see anything clearly when you’re depressed.
I don’t live in Philadelphia. My oldest son does. He is aware of my plans and he respects my decision. My son was at my side after I underwent the first brain surgery. He witnessed my agony. When my brain started bleeding again, I begged my husband not to consent for me to go back to surgery and please let me die. My son was present. My husband chose the surgery. The surgery was October 2025. My brain not yet begun to heal and I am suffering with pain and mental deficits from the brain injury. Now I am alone. The neuro surgeon told me that my brain is a ticking time bomb and having multiple hematomas again at any time is extremely likely. I’m not depressed. I am not willing to relive that agony . I live alone with my handicaps. I’m walking on eggshells every day every second. I don’t believe anyone would want to live like I am.
SoAlone, I think it is time to have a family meeting and let all the kids, in-laws and grandkids, if any, know that you can not live alone anymore and need help figuring out the next step. Write a list of what you need done each week such as: cleaning, getting groceries, hair salon, whatever. Let them know you get lost on the 2 mile drive to the grocer’s. Have one of them order an air tag for you wear, so if you get lost, you will also get found. Always have your ID, with address and contact numbers as well as a list of all medical conditions and meds on you , so if you end up in the hospital, they will know where to start.
Don’t worry about your son. He is a grown man. Perhaps he should move in with you. Punt this problem into the laps of your family. It is time for them to care for you.
Give power of attorney for medical issues to the most trusted person you know. It must be in writing and there are down loadable ones online, I am sure.
There is nothing wrong with being dependent on others, we were all babies once and completely dependent on others. You’ve raised some of your own, so you know.
My husband died last year. Over 2.5 years before, he had diagnosed with an inoperable, aortic aneurysm and we were advised by his physicians that it would split and cause immediate death and could happen at any second. So, I understand the eggshells. Faced with such, live everyday as full as possible. It is the only advice I can give.