This is the first time I’ve plucked up courage to post anything. On the 16th of January my gorgeous partner left home , went for a gp appointment for something we thought was quite trivial and ended up dying of a cardiac arrest. I’m numb with shock still and completely bereft without him - he’s my soulmate and best friend. Since then , I’ve been sectioned into a mental hospital for shock , realised that my family are really not interested in supporting me through this ( even though we had always been there for everyone else) and struggled immensely ever since . We’d been together for 20 years and were planning to get married next year when we were both 60. Some days I wonder if I have the will to go on 
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No words can help you …but I can relate to how you are feeling…as can so many on this forum…take whatever strength you can from here 
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I know how you feel. I am on my own now since my beloved husband died in February suddenly and unexpectedly. I am living on Kalms and Nytol at the moment and have no plan for how I will survive the next months and even years without him. I am so sorry that you are in such bad shape that you have to go to a mental hospital but I hope that it helped you a bit. Did they give you any therapy or tablets? There are days I just want to scream the whole time. And I am crying the whole weekend. We were 15 years and 2 months married but were living almost 26 years together. You are not alone in your pain and despair. We all have the same feelings of despair, loneliness, and sadness, but we will survive somehow, even if we do not believe it at the moment. I am wishing you strength and good vibes, and hope that you can get all support you need. Hugs from Anna 
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Thank you for your kind words. I’m taking medication but I’m looking to come off it because it’s making my anxiety worse actually. I’m also taking Valium which helps a little bit , although not at night. I don’t know about you but I’m struggling so much trying to live alone , as this is all new to me like many others on here. I was hoping that I could stay with my son for a while but this isn’t possible, so I’m eventually looking to move . We were only renting this house anyway , but I have to see out my tenancy agreement. I think the shock of this has affected me and I don’t feel I will ever be the same again- it’s like half of me has been ripped out and I feel like there’s a gaping wound. Like many others , I wish it had been me who had gone , maybe this sounds slightly selfish but all I can say is this pain is unbearable. Hugs - Julie x
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Thank you for your kind response. Yes , what more can be said really. I feel broken into a million pieces, which seems to be a common thing for many others in here . Life is so difficult and full of despair and utter sadness .
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…yes…indeed…I am still taking one day at a time…to look any further into the future causes me anxiety so I don’t. I am having councelling and her advice is to not put pressure on myself by looking to the future…and to do this for as long as is necessary…so I am. After I lost my Sandie I went to stay at my daughter’s for a month…which was needed…but I still had to come home to our empty house to process what happens next. I’m still doing that …the lonliness is what I’m struggling with after 50 years with my soulmate…so…one day at a time it is
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Yes one day at a time sounds good in theory doesn’t it , but the temptation to ruminate over future ( possible) events takes over sometimes especially in the night . I have noticed that anxiety is a common theme on here - I think suddenly being thrust into unfamiliar territory is a terrifying experience. I know that grief us the price we pay for deeply loving our soulmates but why does it have to be so excruciating. You are fortunate to have a supportive daughter- my son is unable to let me stay with him and his wife , something which I feel may have eased my pain at this early stage . Never mind . Wishing you peace
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Sorry I meant to add that loneliness is absolutely heartbreaking isn’t it .
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I lost my Jane suddenly at the beginning of February and attempted suicide which then lead to me going into the priory for 3 weeks which didnt seem to help me at all as im still wandering around a lost soul in this world. My whole life has become meaningless,all our plans and dreams died that day also. Ive said it before on here that sunny days are the worst as me and Jane would be doing something but now i just sit alone on the balcony wondering how much more i can take of this.
All of us on here have experienced loss and are at different places in our journey on this grief road so hopefully like me you will find it helps when times are tough x
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…and you…
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@Narna i am so sorry for your devastating loss . I can quite understand how you are still feeling- lost and lonely despite your stay in the Priory . Actually I don’t think my stint in the psychiatric ward helped me at all . All it means is that I’m stuck on some unsuitable medication which I feel is adding to my distress. Being sectioned at such a distressing time certainly has not helped me . As you say , nothing really changes. If I am being perfectly honest then I will admit to having suicidal thoughts but so far I’ve not acted on them . All I can say is the sudden loss of my gorgeous love has changed me for ever and I don’t like who I’ve become. Making matters worse is certain members of my family telling me I should be “ over this by now “ or at least “ feeling better “ . I can’t see much changing in my life , so I just ignore these comments. Replying to them just makes me feel angry because who are they to say I should be better when they’ve not had my experience. Sending you hugs and peace
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Hi, I understand
I’m 8 months 20 days in, and hate all those comments telling me how I should feel now …
I’m sure you must be feeling a bit better by now
OR
The weather’s better , so that will make you feel better
OR
It good to see you smile, you must be feeling better then
This “feeling better” is like it’s an illness that we can recover from!!
Grief is not an illness. And we are not going to recover.Why can’t people understand that.
Hugs to you all 
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@Cathphil yes I hate hearing all of the above comments because like you say , grief certainly is not something you get better from , like a cold or something.
I’m at a loss as to why the sun shining would make anyone in our situation feel better? In fact it makes me feel worse . I’m picturing my love outside pottering about in the garden etc and these images are actually stopping me going outside if you get what I mean . The mental pain of him not being outside doing familiar things is a punch to the gut , so largely the garden is turning into an overgrown mess x💔
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@Ladysuisei6
I know that feeling well…
Been told i should get back to work it will do me good.
Like someone else said “oh its a lovely sunny day you must get out and enjoy it”
Or the worst one to date is a family friend saying that im so morbid and not no fun when they come and visit… just a shame they decided to say it behind my back so ive told people to tell them to dare to say it to my face, i know they won’t.
Just wish people wouldn’t see it as “oh its been 3 months you should be living life again” im still in the darkest depths of grieving my soul mate and my rock and i dont know how long before i get over this that is indeed if i ever do
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Our garden also looks like a mess; my husband always kept it clean but I cannot go out there. Everything is just horrible.
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@Narna no way 
how can people be so utterly insensitive by calling you morbid and no fun . I do understand in a way - because of my grief “ stressing my sister out “( yes really ) she’s now cut off all contact with me . Well I expected just a tiny bit of support, not to be cut off because I’m causing angst. It’s not as if my situation is a lifestyle choice - I would do absolutely anything to have my darling back , but sadly I know this won’t happen. People can be so cruel can’t they , and especially when all is rosy for them in their life . What they don’t understand is that life can literally change in a minute when fate intervenes and that is likely to destroy anyone x
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@Ladysuisei6
I found Jane collapsed on the floor when i came home from work, as yes indeed my whole life changed and collapsed on the turn of a key.
Only people who have experienced such sudden loss understand
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@Narna sadly my beloved was taken from me without warning. It is the most devastating and heartbreaking experience of my entire life and I will never be the same as I was before. I’m so sorry that you have had such a traumatic time x💔
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I’m so sorry so many are feeling that life isn’t worth living. I understand perfectly after the sudden death of my husband. I’m scared and full of anxiety. All the paperwork is stressing me out. I took a big step forward and went to yoga today. It was hard but i did it. I hope everyone finds some strength to carry on as I’m sure our partners would want us to. Sending love to everyone experiencing this terrible grief.
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