My partner Karen had been seriously ill in hospital for almost six weeks before she died in March.
We knew that her condition was terminal which gave us some chance of coming to terms with losing her but, when the end came, the effect was nonetheless devastating.
Now all I’m able to do is go through the motions every day. The garden is a jungle, the house is neglected and i only get dressed if i have to go out or I’m expecting visitors.
I only discovered this service today and I am already finding it very therapeutic. I feel reassured that I am not alone in what I am going through and can share my experiences with others who are supportive and non judgemental.
Dear Andy8464, Don’t worry about the garden or house (mine is the same: welcome to the jungle). Just one step after another. Take your time and don’t worry about the opinions of others. It is your life, grief, and sadness. Sending you lots of love. Hugs from Anna
@Andy8464 thank you for your kind words.
As time is going on I’m feeling worse not better- I’m desperately sad that we didn’t just take the initiative to get married when we talked about it ( rather than just talking ) . Somehow because we never had any property together it feels like he’s disappeared. I’m not sure if I’ve explained that correctly. It’s like tangible evidence that we were a committed couple who loved each other unconditionally, but didn’t really get around to the formalities. Neither of us really had an estate to leave , although we did make wills mainly so we could express our wishes after death . I’m feeling so depressed and physically unwell at the moment and I hope these feelings will pass . We shared so many wonderful memories together and I want to be able to focus my mind on these rather than feeling sick all the time .
I’m sorry you too are going through this incredibly traumatic time xxx
@Annaessex these is a theme on here involving messy houses , overgrown gardens and our general inability to bother getting anything done . I can confirm my house ( rented) looks a complete mess in addition to a messy garden too . I have no motivation at the moment to sort these things out - I would rather lay in bed trying to make sense of what the he’ll has happened in my life . My gorgeous man wasn’t meant to die age 59 - as far as we were concerned, he had no obvious symptoms and apart from the normal stuff which comes with ageing a bit , he was very fit . I’m still in shock 4 months on .
Take care xxx
@Moi1 yes my life is over as the post says . I’m laying here reflecting on missed opportunities like delaying getting married despite being in a loving commited relationship for 20 years . Why ? I ask myself. Apathy I think . Like you , I’m not expecting to feel joy or real happiness any time soon which is a horrible thought. For the last few weeks I’ve been physically quite unwell too - probably from not looking after myself properly, but what’s the point .
I think at our age , around late 50’s , it’s so easy to believe you have all the time in the world left together to do things but how wrong we were . It’s so sad isn’t it xxx💔
Yet another sleepless night going over the events of the sad day Jane passed its still so vivid.
Was laying in bed staring at an empty pillow where Jane snoring away should have been, no more fidgeting or duvet battles just emptiness and silence in the darkness. Seem to sleep for an hour then awake for two. Feeling so lost and alone and cant see any end to this utter disbelief that at 55 Jane has gone. We would normally be looking at booking a late deal to spain next month and instead im struggling to even function properly on a day to day basis.
The txts and messages seem to have dried up as everyone carrys on with their lives and thinks i should be over this by now, got told not that long ago that they cant wait for me to be better!! Didnt realise id been ill, i wish Jane was still here and i had been ill. Another day of nothing and no motivation to do anything as it would always be doing something with Jane
@Narna im sorry you are finding life such a struggle, as am I . My sleeping patterns sound very similar to yours and I woke up this morning feeling more despair than usual for some reason. I’m still not believing that my Baz gone at 59 . We thought we had all the time in the world - what the hell wrnt wrong . I’m also being told things like I need to have a “ positive attitude “ yeah right . This is from someone who’s life has not imploded so I presume it’s spoken in ignorance. I wish I could feel more positive about life - until the 16th of January I was a very positive person actually. That person has disappeared much like my beloved who just lives on in my heart and in my memories. At least nobody can take those away from us xx
Our garden is mess too, and our pond full of blanket weed which also needs sorting…I just tried to go and start sorting, pulled a few weeds up …15 mins did me… Can’t face doing anymore…but also can’t face that it’s a mess…it was me that had to keep it tidy as my husband too poorly the last few years…but still had pleasure in doing it for him…even though sometimes he couldn’t even make it out and I had to take photos on my phone and show him what I’d done.
The sun’s shining … I wish it was raining so I had an excuse not to do it.
Nothings right , everythings horrible… 9 months on Wednesday, and I can honestly say the last week has been the hardest so far. I just keep welling up and crying .
@Ladysuisei6
Pretty much sums up how i am, woken up missing Jane so, so much still after 14 weeks i can’t get my head around it all.
I don’t know what happened to the old me or where he’s gone. Im normally quiet but confident person, now im a wreck of a man who doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. Just stood by the kettle waiting for it to boil sobbing my heart out so today looks like another teary day just thinking of things me and Jane would be doing, this wasn’t in the plan we had at least another 20 years together, why now when we had just started our journey.
Heart broken doesn’t even come close to how im feeling, feel like my whole inside is shattered into a million pieces
@Narna well before I lost my beloved Baz I had a lot more confidence. We never really socialised much with other people because being with each other was simply enough . I’m struggling immensely with adjusting to being in this house on my own and will be taking steps to move out as soon as I am able to - it’s rented . I’m feeling numb at the moment. Numb that he was taken fro me without warning. Numb from the shock of not being able to say goodbye and to tell him just how much love and joy he brought into my life over the last 20 years . My heart is shattered and will never be mended , there will never be anyone in my life who is that extra special. Our bond is irreplaceable and I have no idea how to heal , that is if I ever will heal. I’m currently living a surreal existence, one where the most special person I’ve ever met in my entire life has gone forever and I’m not coping at all . You take care x
She had been battling end stage renal failure since 2014 and I was her full time carer for the last five years of her life.
She died from complications associated with long term haemodialysis.
We had little social life as she didn’t like going out because she was embarrassed about the way she looked even though she was always beautiful in my eyes.
I really wanted her to marry me and asked her several times throughout our relationship but she always refused because she’d been in a bad marriage before I met her and she didn’t want to risk what we had by entering into marriage again.
For the last three months of her life Karen was completely bed bound and my caring duties increased exponentially but I didn’t mind. It did mean I hardly left the house because I didn’t want to leave her unattended.
All our shopping we had delivered, prescriptions were delivered, family contact was mostly over the phone. In effect our happy little home turned into our fortress of solitude.
Now the dialysis equipment and supplies, the hospital bed and mobility aids are all gone. My happily little home has mutated again this time into my prison cell.
That is so spot on I could have written it. Hate those stupid messages. My brother who lives 400 miles away sends the occasional txt asking how I am. I just say great/fantastic/never better. He doesn’t reply as I’m sure he can sense the sarcasm. I know it’s wrong of me to think that way and people don’t know “what to say” but 9 months on I am worse than ever. No-one gets me.
I so know the feeling mu husband had plans for the garden and was working hard in it . Now its over grown ,i have tried to tidy it up but it upsets me seeing whats happened to it
Dear Moi1
I get you!!!
I too am 9 months on Wednesday.
This morning my youngest sister who had been quite supportive in that she calls me every couple of weeks.
But this morning when I dared to try and be honest about the fact that I had kaf a s**t week… you get the response “oh why is that then? What happened?”
…
I want to just shout BECAUSE PHIL IS STILL DEAD WHY DO YOU THINK
but you don’t want to sound rude so you try and explain…and that is so so exhausting …
Why does it feel like that we have to justify that we are still feeling completely broken and the pain is still so awful??
@Cathphil actually this sounds exactly like my sister. She only wants to speak to me about “ nice positive things” in future, which I’m sure you will agree is going to be very difficult xxx
People who haven’t been here, in this situation, just do not get it. And it’s a struggle trying not to cry and break down in front of people. If find it’s better that I don’t, because people have nothing to say to make you feel any better. In fact they are just stumped, don’t know what to say, or worse, come out with the annoying platitudes you have described.
@AngelinaH yes you are right about this. I am not afraid to show my emotions to my son ( he’s 30) because he’s so caring and really does understand. No useless platitudes from him anyway. It’s a shame that people are so repressed that they can’t cope with the grief and suffering of a fellow human . This lack of empathy has taken me by surprise actually because I genuinely would want to listen if it were someone else grieving. I do agreed with you that unless you are dumped into this hideous existence which obviously nobody wants then it’s impossible to understand xxx
@Ladysuisei6
Yes that’s it isn’t it…those who do still care enough to wasn’t to stay in touch only want to talk about nice things…they want you to say you’re okay and coping , so they can go back to their lives and forget about us again
For us nothing had changed…
I think the next time someone asks me how I’m doing,
I’ll say " the same as last time you asked, nothings changed"
