My life since you died

My life since you died is nothing but empty and full of pain and heartbreak and feeling so lost every second of everyday. It’s not a life anymore, not without you, it’s just an existence. Waiting to be with you again. I keep going for our babies and you and I love you and them so very much. But I get very little joy even from them. Its like I’m dead inside apart from my love for them and you and the pain of your loss and the grief that feels like its drowning me. I feel like most of me died with you and what’s left isn’t worth much. I know you would want me to be happy. But I can’t not withoutyou. I have known grief and pain before, but never like this. Losing you really has broken me and I feel like I’m falling apart more and more each day. I thought I had known loneliness before, but I didn’t not until I lost you. To feel lonely every second of everyday, because that one person who made you feel alive and safe and that everything would be ok is gone. I miss everything about you and I long to be with you. If it were just me I wouldn’t still be here. But our babies need me and I can’t leave them. So I have to bare this agony and torment. The happiest and best years of my life were with you and for that I thank you and I thank God for us finding eachother. You are the love of my life and always will be. My beautiful soulmate. My heart and soul will always be yours. Our love will never die. As long as I breathe I will love you and when the day comes that I no longer draw breath and in my death I will still love you and hopefully we will be reunited. It will be 18months this month since you died and in all honesty I don’t know how I have got this far. Though all I do is take one day at a time and sleep way too
much because when I’m sleeping I don’t feel or think. Though as soon as I wake I think of you. I didn’t know what it was to feel empty until I lost you. Your love will last me the rest of my life and I promise I will always love you. It broke my heart to lose you and there is no fixing that. I have times where I beg you to come back to me and then I feel guilty because I know you can’t and I tell you I’m sorry for asking because I know you can’t. But I can’t stop wanting you back and the life we had together. Just know my beautiful darling you are always loved missed wanted and needed. You made my life worth living and gave me so much love and happiness. Thank you for loving me. You were far more than I ever deserved and you deserved better than me. But you chose me and loved me despite all my faults and mental health issues. I’m sinking baby I’m in a hole and falling deeper and deeper and the grief is drowning me. But I will keep trying for you and our babies. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone and more than I ever knew it was possible to love. We are two hearts and souls joined as one and we belong together. Until we meet again my sweet beautiful perfect Irish rose. I love you xxxxx

11 Likes

It’s such a hard journey we find ourselves on. Your partner knows how much you loved her and she’s watching over you. Our love doesn’t stop when someone dies infact I think it grows stronger we all can relate to your words and just wish we could see them again . But the best we can do is try to carry on and never forget the happy times we are all so lucky to have found the one who brought us so much joy . Hang on to the happy memories and live life as I know our partners would have wished. Sending my best wishes to you and a big hug I miss having someone to hug . Xx

6 Likes

I understand were ur coming from my life is over I have family but all I do is stay in there is nothing left for me I hope in a few years it might get easier

5 Likes

Oh my god this broke my heart :broken_heart: this is exactly how I feel about my husband - every word could have been me writing it.
So sorry :cry: take care xxx

6 Likes

We all feel the same, beautiful words @Casey1, it’s so very painful without our soulmate, every day is a battle, I try hard to stay busy as I want life to go quick so I can be with my Martin, I can’t cope without him.
Sending lots of hugs to everyone
Amy x

4 Likes

Hi All
Casey’s words say it all ……. My thoughts my mental state my well being all as Casey described so beautifully …….
Sending big hugs
Xx

2 Likes

Dear Casey, I do so well understand what you’re saying about feeling lost and dead inside…and these dark feelings causing agony and torment…BUT…you are doing great…you have survived 18 months no matter how painful and difficult these months have been. I’m happy that you got to experience so much true love and caring…because so many people never get that wonderful experience…I say this even though I realize that for you your pain, anguish and emptiness are the ultimate. Please don’t beat yourself up…Pauline would never have wanted you to mistreat or blame yourself in any way. Even though your pit of despair is engulfing you once again…please remember that you are still loved and that Pauline is watching over you and wishing she could physically help you up out of the darkness. Your babies are so very precious and depend on you as much as you depend on them. Try to hang tough, my dear…untimely loss (it’s always untimely) of our cherished loved one is no doubt the most devastating and debilitating event in our lives…but we still have to honor them by fighting on despite the fact that we feel as though we’re only half a person. Take care…love yourself as you loved Pauline … Pipsi

2 Likes

Hey I feel your pain in depth it’s heartbreaking
I lost my husband in January 2020,
And the pain and the heartache never leaves although because I have 7 children to raise now on my own they are the only reason why I am still here even though in many occasions I have felt I can not be the mum they deserve because like you I now feel apart of me died when my husband passed, and now I just feel like a hollow version of myself just faking it day in day out.
At the moment my way of coping is not thinking about him being gone although I never stop missing him and wishing he was here… I’ve changed my appearance because I’m sick of seeing the broken empty woman staring Bach at me in the Mirror I want to get as far away from that woman as I can even though I know it’s inescapable.
I was the one who found my husband. We had fallen Asleep downstairs on separate sofas which is way out of the ordinary for me not pretty normal for my husband… our youngest son at the time (6 months old) had woke me hours later whaling in his cot upstairs… I blindly stumbled to the kitchen flicked the kettle on to prepare a bottle for him and at that moment the whole house went deathly quiet. It was 3.15 in the morning I still continued to prepare a bottle when I realised that my husbands snore was not rumbling through the whole house. I went in to the living room where he lay pale and silent on the sofa I tried numerous times to wake him the thought process of something was wrong didn’t enter my mind as he was fine that day went to work came home even popped to sainsburys with 2 of our children he came home we had dinner children went to bed we was relaxing downstairs watching tv he was fine… and he www abit of a joker sometimes he would pretend to be asleep on the sofa as a little joke and then jump up suddenly to make me jump…
But he was heavy and he limp. That’s when the panick set in and I rang the ambulance and then his mum straight after still now really worried but still that never crossed my mind as soon as the paramedics came in they said cardiac arrest straight away and began cpr…
There was a slight chance for a second but he never came back.
A part of my did die that day with him and I know I’ll never be the same. I am only here for my children and I know that because I’ve thought about dying so many times to be with him but then how selfish to leave our 7 children with no parents I just couldn’t be some days that’s all I want is just to be with him again
I just feel like this hollow shell of a woman trying to do and be the best for our children some days are really really hard and I’ve learnt to allow myself to feel what I neee to feel at the moment or it builds up and then I end up useless to my children it’s hard I need better coping mechanisms as to keep pretending until it’s a heap load on my conscious is proving no good because then it hits me like a ton of bricks all over again but to feel what I feel everyday is also no good because I wouldn’t be able to be the mother I need to be any advice is well appreciated thank u in advance

2 Likes

@Misprint dear misprint sorry for the late reply. You are so very right . I also think the love grows stronger. We were definitely lucky to have found the one. It’s just such a bloody shame we lost them and way too soon. I do hold on to the happy memories. But as you know it’s so hard knowing we won’t make anymore with them. Best wishes to you as well and thank you for the hug. I miss hugs too. Damn I miss everything about her. Love and hugs casey xxx

1 Like

@Dawn1 dear Dawn I’m sorry for the late reply. I’m so very sorry for your losses and the heartbreak you are going through. I don’t go out much myself. Apart from walking my dog and when I have to go to the shops. I can relate to what you are saying about there is nothing left for you. As all I have are my pets and they keep me going and because of them I still have love in my life. They are all I have left, there is nothing else left in this world for me.I do so hope it gets better to bare for us all and that we find some peace along the way. Also that we find a way to live alongside our grief, rather than just exist. I wish you all the best. Love and hugs casey x

1 Like

@LouLou65 dear loulou sorry for the late reply. I am so very sorry for the loss of your husbend and for the heartbreak you are going through. It does help to talk on here to people who understand our pain and what we are going through. Take care love and hugs casey x

1 Like

@Amylost dear Amy I’m sorry for the late reply. Thank you and yeah it is so painfull and a battle everyday and most days I feel like I’m losing that battle. But we have to keep trying. The time thing is weird as everyday feels so long yet time has gone by so fast. I can’t believe 18 months has gone by. You are doing the best you can Amy and please give yourself some credit for that. Much love and hugs casey xxx

1 Like

@Bess1 dear bess sorry for the late reply. I am so sorry for the loss of your husbend and the heartbreak you are going through. Thank you . It helps to talk on here to others who understand. Also it helps me to get out what I’m feeling and if my words can help someone else than something good is coming out of something so heartbreaking. Take care sending love and hugs casey x

1 Like

@Pipsi dear pipsi sorry for the late reply. Thank you. I think we were all so very lucky to have found our soulmates and to have experienced true love and such happiness. Take care much love and hugs casey xxx

1 Like

@Jasmine2 dear jasmine sorry for the late reply. I am so sorry for the loss of your husbend and for the heartbreak you and your children are going through. I get what you are saying about the empty broken woman staring back at you. As that’s what I see when I look in a mirror and it doesn’t help that I have been self neglecting since she died as I don’t care about me anymore. I’m only still here for my pets as I love them as they do me. My partner pauline also died from cardiac arrest. She was in hospital with fluid on her lungs and she also had copd and ulcers on her feet. She had been in there 3 weeks to the day she died. I got a call at 2.27 am from the doctor to say they had found her unconscious on the ward at 2am and had been trying to resuscitate but it wasn’t looking good. I begged them to keep trying and they said they would and at 3.06 am I got the second call saying sorry we couldn’t get a rhythm she is gone. It broke my heart and was so unexpected she was only 52 and it was four months after her birthday. I understand you wanting to be with him. But you can’t leave your kids they need you and he would want you to carry on. I think allowing yourself to feel what you feel is the right thing to do. Afterall if we hold it in it just builds up and maybe comes out at a time we don’t want it to. I imagine you are trying to be strong for your children. I’m not sure if I can give any advice that would help. I take one day at a time and I talk to pauline every morning when I get up and every night before bed. I also talk to her throughout the day. I think it helps or maybe it’s my way of holding on and not letting go. We will never be the same. But our lost loves would want us to keep going and live our lifes. I tell myself I have to keep going for our dog who is 14 and our cats who ate 5 and for pauline. To try to do her proud and because as long as I’m alive she will always be loved missed wanted and needed and never forgotten. She was my world and gave my life meaning. I’m actually the youngest of seven. Though I barely hear from family. I’m sure you are a great mum to your kids and I bet you can see a part of your husbend in everyone of them. As much as this hurts I’m glad I had her in my life and the love we all shared with our soulmates is such an amazing and beautifull thing as were they. I’m often around if you want to chat. Take care of you as well as your kids. Sending love and hugs casey x

1 Like

Hi Casey
You say it all
I’m told we learn to ‘manage ‘
I don’t want that like you I want
My life with Paul back
To make memories not now just remember them
To live as a couple to do things together
To have Paul back…….
I’m totally broken
Lol xx

1 Like

Thank u for the reply life can be so cruel I hope like you say that life might be a bit kinder to us all

1 Like