My loss

Hi. I’m new here after loosing my son 3 weeks ago. It was sudden. He was 39. He was under a mental heath team who had been supporting him independently. Not even had the cause of death yet so i can’t register his death and while waiting, I’m wondering what the cause was. He was doing so well after being released from long term hospital and for 18 months he was starting to live again. I supported him all these years since he was diagnosed with schizophrenia at the age of 17. Many ups and downs over the years but we had a bond that nothing can break. I have 3 other adult children…i am doing the grieving process crying one moment numb the next. I really don’t know what i should be feeling all i know is he is leading and guiding me through this as a gently does it mode but i feel there is more to come. And although I’ve had losses in the past, I’m scared about this one. I fear pending emotional pain because i think it’s still sinking in. Thank you for reading. Lily

I’m so sorry that you have suffered this dreadful loss. I find this site does help and I hope you get some comfort from it too.
Your situation sounds similar to mine in that my daughter became poorly at 18 and despite many serious times she appeared better when she suddenly passed away age 37.
You are in such early days when everything seems to be tears and fog. There is so much to do and somehow it gets done. This is such a massive shock and one that a parent cannot even comprehend unless we have to. There is no set order to the things we experience when grieving. I found it best to go with it. Tears, anger, fear, anxiety etc.
It is good that you can feel the presence of your son guiding you.
Please know you are not alone and there are always people here that understand what you are going through.
With love xx

Thanks Matella. Your words are comforting. Can i ask? When did you loose your daughter?

Warm wishes. Lily

Of course. It was August 2018 so 9 months ago. Still early days for me too but further down the line in this dreadful journey than you.
Xx

Of course Matella…how longs a piece of string. Thank you for telling me. My dreams are awful in a sense that I’m so afraid to loose another child I’m highly paranoid at the moment. Yesterday i saw a police car come past me and i was desperately hoping that it hadn’t turned into the cul-de-sac where i live and was quite relieved when it didn’t. I have 3 other adult children. What i did feel last night was i had woken in the early hours by what sounded like someone trying to wake me and when i came around i felt his strong presence in my room. Xx

There must be a great deal that we do not know or understand. If you felt the strong presence of your son that is wonderful. I had a visitation dream and I knew it was real. I have always had vivid dreams. I still do but this was real. I know it was.
After years of caring for a child and then the shock of losing the battle it is little wonder we are left feeling vulnerable. We realise how fragile life is, and also how unfair life can be.
Every time I hear a phone ring, go into a hospital, see an ambulance, see a toddler not on reigns I feel a massive wave of anxiety. I am told this does eventually lift I guess when we learn to live with what has happened.
Sending you hugs xx

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