My Mum passed away just over 3 weeks ago. She was honestly just the best human being you could ever wish to know. She was so kind and caring and loved her children and grandchildren so much. Her death was so sudden and such a shock to us all. She developed a clot and it travelled to her lung. We are all just so lost and heartbroken. I don’t know how I can exist without her.
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I lost my beautiful mum 5 days ago , three weeks after suffering a stroke . I was her carer for 24 years and I am lost without her . The future is going to be tough without her but I want to make her proud , we will get through this Aljules .
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I am so sorry for your loss too. It’s so hard to not just give her a ring or a video call. I spoke to her 2 hours before she died and never had a clue. I just keep going over that again and again.
Thank you . It is difficult not being able to talk or touch your loved one . I’m glad you were able to talk to your mum 2 hours before she died and hope that in time you can find a little comfort in that . These early days are so tough , all we can hope is that it gets a little easier as time goes on . Although at the moment it feels like this pain will never go away. Take care of yourself .
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Hi Aljules,
I only found out about this forum today and was keen to take a look as there doesn’t seem to be much like this available.
I was sorry to hear about your Mum’s passing, I know exactly how you feel. My Mum passed away in March this year, all very unexpected 12 days after a stage 4 cancer diagnoses she was gone!! Due to covid we only saw her a handful of times last year for outside walks, the last time I saw her well was on my doorstep just before Christmas dropping off presents and she was just her normal self. I then got to see her once in hospital with full on PPE and respiratory hood which meant it was difficult to hear her or hug her and then 4 days later she was gone. I am devastated and heart broken, it still doesn’t feel real, I am struggling through each day.
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Hi Emma, I’m so sorry. What a horrible thing seeing your Mum like that and covid has made everything 100 times worse. I live in a different country from my family, so usually I would see them at least 3 times a year in person. But in the last year it’s obviously been harder. I spoke to my Mum near enough every day by videocall, so I’m finding it so hard to adjust to a new normal. She really was so special, it’s still hard to believe she’s gone.
Have you found any good coping mechanisms? I’ve thrown myself back in to work, but I’m worried I’ll burn out.
I’m so sorry to hear of all of your losses. My dad died in May 2019 and mum January 2020. I can’t imagine anything more painful or devastating. I can say it does improve…. You have good days and bad…. there are distractions and things that jog your memory… they are never ever lost. Today I’m having a bad day… I’m just so bloody sad, guilty, cross…. But the difference is I know this is normal, I know I’ll get through this and I know later I’ll have a good day. This group has helped me see that and has been of great comfort.
Sometimes you need to vent, share, ask for advice and I’ve found everyone in here of great support.
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My coping mechanisms are being busy but with craft things…. Make do and mend…. It keeps my hands active and mind calm and at the end have have something (good and bad) that I can say I did… from painted rocks for plant labels, to repurposed fire grated, to bug hotels made out of tin cans it’s helped me….
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Scarlet , I’m so sorry you lost both your parents within 8 months of each other . That must have been devastating . Keeping busy helps with the bad days , sending you much love . Take care .
Aw I am so sorry, that is devastating 
life is so cruel sometimes, it’s just knowing what to do afterwards. I feel a bit lost and angry. It’s not a nice feeling. I am trying to keep myself occupied. Thank you for sharing.
Hi
I know exactly what you mean about finding it difficult to adjust to life without Mum, I am struggling too, Mum was like a best friend as well as my Mum and also the best Nanny to my 2 girls who are 12 and 5, I feel quite lost.
… post added before I finished!! I personally haven’t found alot that helps me cope, I have just had to get on with things especially with 2 children to look after, I think this is where I can appear like I am getting on with life when really I am dying inside daily. I have been seeing a counsellor which allows me the time I probably need to talk about her, my counsellor was the one that told me about this group, it’s awful so many of us are suffering but good to know we are not alone.
Sorry to hear of your loss too Angie, what an extremely difficult adjustment that must be for you to try and make having cared for your Mum for so long. Sending you virtual hugs.
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So sorry to hear of the loss of your Dad and Mum Scarlet, how heart breaking. Thank you for your words of comfort though that it will improve as it does certainly feel at times for me that I will be stuck in time with all that I am feeling forever. Sorry to hear today is a bad day, did something trigger it or just woke up feeling all that you are? Its so helpful being able to speak to others, it makes you feel less alone.
Thank you EmmaJ . It is going to be so difficult . Mum was my best friend too and I feel completely lost at the moment , maybe I always will. Hugs to you .
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Thanks Emmaj- some days the sadness gets triggered by nothing in particular others I recognise it coming. Today I think it’s the fact Father’s Day is Sunday, I’m helping my brother in law organise a surprise for his (and my husbands) parents and it’s the kind of thing I’d do for mine. My parents were divorced but I was very close to both of them. I spent a large amount of time with my mum in particular. There’s so much I want to talk to them about. I’ve had a viva this week to convert on to a PhD course it was successful but made me doubt myself…. Any knock backs like that (in this case just defending my writing not even significant criticism) hit hard and the fact they aren’t there for me to talk to about it leaves a void.
Everyone copes in their own way, I don’t really show I’m struggling, everyone always says how well and how strong I am, I don’t feel it. But it’s become part of who I am… the strong productive one, the eldest child in charge sorting stuff out (I’m43 so no spring chicken)…. The label doesn’t feel apt right now.
Talking on here helps so much so thank you for listening.
Nothing helps you get over the pain and loss but it’s something you learn to live with. The hurt will always be there but gradually I’ve found happy memories & snapshots come back. I still haven’t quite accepted that they’ve both gone and that some of the things we did together will never happen again but I’m thankful that I have those happy memories and feelings.
I completely understand how difficult it must be organising a surprise for your in laws, as much as you want to do it for them I am sure it feels quite bitter sweet. It is so very hard when you can’t speak to your parent about anything you maybe going through, especially if you have any self doubt (I suffer with this too sometimes) generally your parent is always going to be on your side and provide much needed support that helps you through. Do you get on well with your in laws and siblings? Although I know its not the same.
That’s the thing that I find, at the beginning I was in pieces and my partner had to more less take over with our youngest, now I have resumed life doing all that I need to, I think people think I am doing ok, although I am getting on because I have to I feel from ok inside. I have found communication has to be had as no one is a mind reader and alot of the time people won’t think to ask or know what to say so they avoid it, I have found I have had to make the first move and tell people (my partner mainly) how I am feeling as he won’t necessarily bring it up himself. Others I find ask how I am and because I am reluctant to just give the usual answer of ‘i’m ok’ I have been more honest and saying ‘struggling on’ they can then look abit horrified and almost change the subject, it’s tricky because they are not responding or validating what I have said or how I am feeling but then I guess some don’t know what to say. How old were your parents when they passed? Was it sudden or more prolonged for them?
I look forward to the day I can recall memories of Mum and smile as right now I find I am blocking them out as they are just too painful, which in turn makes me feel bad as I don’t want it to seem I am blocking her out.
Yes Emma, it does give even a tiny amount of comfort knowing there are others going through the same thing. My Mum was my best friend too, everyone loved her. It’s so hard to adjust. It’s just very cruel.
Hi Emmaj
My in-laws have been amazing and thoughtful, especially my mother in law. My siblings… it’s is a long long story and it’s been testing in some ways and brought us together in others. Families are complicated and mine is no different.
How about you? What support network do you have around you? Have friends helped? My parents were both young and none of my close friends have lost theirs but more distant friends have been in contact - especially one who lost her dad a while ago now, she has been great and always at the end of a text. It’s made me be proactive about doing the same for others especially more distant friends who I know have lost a parent. I think you become so much more aware but also can empathise in a way others can’t.
I promise you one thing it does improve… and I am so much more able to face the days now than I was. I felt so lost an awful overwhelmed when mum died I couldn’t see anyway forward and felt desperately alone… but I don’t now…. It’ll never be alright … I’ll never fully accept it …but I can help others deal with it and cope… things I’ve learnt … it’s different for everyone… I wanted to be left alone… some people want to be surrounded by friends and family…. For me my grief is very personal and I can’t and don’t want to talk right now but I can on here…. I’ve also learnt how difficult it is for people to relate and empathise… we’re all clumsy at times and it’s ok to cry, sob and fall asleep with a teddy exhausted because you’ve just been so upset…
When you’re ready I’d love to know more about your mum. My dad was wonderful, kind, knowledgeable and loved his dog. My mum would give her life for her kids, was adventurous and didn’t let anything hold her back. If I have a little of either of them I’m a lucky person.
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