My lovely mum

I lost my mum nearly 6 weeks ago , she was my best friend, the best mum and grandma, we were very close and saw each other their every day. She was diagnosed with cancer in 2014 but deteriorated very quickly over the past few months. I took time off to care for her along with my dad . Mum was admitted to hospital at the end of April and never returned home, the cancer had spread to her lungs. I spent long hours with her daily at hospital and latterly she tested positive for covid and moved to a covid ward , the staff were great and allowed me to continue to be and care for her ( also my dad who also tested positive) towards the end it was horrific, I could not comprehend how someone can suffer so terribly and feel completely traumatised by the experience but also that I could not do more or maybe made the wrong decisions about her care ? Before she died I was longing for her suffering to end so it felt like a relief when it happened. Now I feel numb, like it’s not happened, I am reasonably getting on , people think I am managing really well but I’m waiting for something to hit me , the realisation that she has gone, is this normal?

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Dear @Heidi24

Welcome to the Community. I am sorry to hear of the loss of your mum.

You are very much in the early stages of grief. Your mind, thoughts and emotions will be all over the place. This is normal along with feeling guilty and as to the decisions you have made. You must be gentle with yourself as the decisions you made were right for the situation at the time.

It is so hard and painful when a loved one is dying and you feel helpless as to what to do but you you were there for your mum and that would have been of great comfort to her. Your strength is such an awful sad situation is amazing.

You will get good days and bad days, grief is such a rollercoaster of emotions and everything you are going through, thinking and experiencing is normal. It is all part of the grieving process. I would like to guide you to the Sue Ryder Grief Self-Help Service which contains useful supportive information to help you understand and cope with your bereavement and grief.

You are not alone. Please continue to reach out here any time.

Take care.

Pepsi

Thanks for your response and kind words, will definitely have a look

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I lost my dad 6 months ago . I didn’t even know there was support groups wasnt give. Any information .

Anyway I’m glad I found this today as I have been struggling with him not being here.

He was diagnosed with cancer early 21 he was operated in I think m March 21 they said it wa small initially but when they went in to operate it was alot bigger. Cancer of the lungs . It was always gonna be risky but they said they got it all out . But he nearly didn’t make it a fe low times in that month he was there .

Came home eventually all looked good he went into again to have a prostate operation after that he was down hill .

Got very I’ll in October we had to send him back to hospital got told the cancer had spread pneumonia covid all of it plus none of were allowed to see him cause fo covid . He kept arguing he wanted to come home we didn’t let him till we had care in place as we all work .

Anyway it got sort d they said nothing we can do about cancer Macmillan will take over just watching him go down hill and being told we had months I know there is no time line but in the end we had less than three weeks after he came home .

I just didn’t know this was gonna be soo hard I just want time and we didn’t get it I feel robbed I feel selfish I just can’t cope and I can’t talk to anyone

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Hi lee , sorry for the delay in responding and so sorry for your loss, it’s so hard isn’t it. In some ways we were in a similar situation, trying to get my mum home but knew we wouldn’t manage without at least some support, unfortunately we were not able to bring her home and will be forever sorry about this, we also thought we would have more time . I have many regrets and still feel numb, it’s 6 weeks today and I feel lost ( and angry) and find it hard to talk about how it was towards the end . I’ve found this site useful for van if it’s just to feel not so alone x

Hi Heidi24 & Lee19

I’m so sorry for the loss of your precious Mum and Dad. I lost my Mum in November to cancer, her third battle. I don’t have my Dad now having lost him suddenly to a cardiac arrest when I was 24, I’m now 47. I have been so traumatised with what I have been through with my Mum I almost feel like I have some sort of PTSD and your words resonated with me as my Mum was in and out of hospital up until the week before she passed.
I just wanted to say that although we carry some guilt, that’s natural of course, I have tried not to let that consume my every thought of her. It’s hard though. I try to remember I was being guided by medical professionals at the time and agreed and made the choices that were right for my Mum in that very moment. It’s easy with hindsight to analyse yourselves but the truth is, everything goes under the microscope when a loved one passes. Nothing misses our scrutiny.
I read that your Mum was a Grandma. That is something that you should be so proud of. I never made my Mum a Grandma as I have never wanted children but since she passed I felt the guilt of that and thought… Oh no, I never made her a Grandma. I too cared for my Mum in her final months and worry I won’t have a ‘me’ like my Mum did to look after me in the future.
We think and feel all sorts and is all normal I’m told, even though I don’t feel normal and never will again. We’ve had our parents all of our lives so far and then suddenly have to get used to our lives without them which we will, in time but the loss is something we will never get used to.
The bottom line is for all of us is that we miss them. I try now not to let my Mum’s last few months and her battle with cancer define who she was, she was so much more than that.
Sending you both compassionate thoughts and here to chat at anytime. Would love to know something about them, who they were and what they did :slight_smile: x

Hi Heidi,
I lost my mum almost 3 weeks ago and I feel exactly the same. She went downhill rapidly and we weren’t able to bring her home as we’d wanted. I feel guilty and angry that nothing further was done for her. I too feel numb at the moment and seemingly doing ok I think but I’m just waiting for it to hit me. When she was diagnosed earlier in the year I absolutely fell apart and couldn’t function so I did go to the doctors who put me on medication so I think that must be helping.
It’s an awful, surreal time isn’t it? Sending hugs x

Hi sal46 & pinky-angel

Thanks so much for the replies and kind words. I’m 7 weeks in today and still numb, moments when I think “ oh I’ll tell my mum, ask her about this” still feel completely numb most of the time but there are times when I just cry and cry. I have had to stop myself over analysing the last few weeks as I just feel angry that I didn’t fight a bit harder but it was so very awful for her and sal46, you are right we are guided by professionals at the time .It is just a very surreal time but sending condolences xxxx

I feel so much for you and if it’s any consolation I feel exactly the same way. I often have moments when I go to tell her something or ask her about something. It’s just so surreal.
I am also angry that I wasn’t able to fight harder and that we just accepted everything the doctors told us. I have asked the hospital for more answers now as I’m not happy with the lack of treatment but I know it won’t change anything and I know she wouldn’t want me to be arguing with them about it as she just accepted the care she got. It is hard not to over analyse things and that’s when we start to feel worse, but then if I have moments when I feel ok and I’m laughing with my daughter then I feel incredibly guilty too. But then I also know she wouldn’t want me to be sad. So many conflicting emotions and thoughts going through my head. Just know that you’re not alone and the feelings are as normal as they can be. xxx

Hi Heidi24 & pinky-angel

I feel the same too. I miss our chats, sometimes about nothing. I just miss her so much. How a door can just suddenly slam shut between me and my Mum like this is beyond me. Pinky-angel I’ve complained same as you and felt the same feelings you do. Your words look like I could have written them. I know nothing will be done either but I know if it was the other way round my Mum would probably be organising a campaign or something! I feel it may just stop it happening to someone else. But the bottom line is I miss her. I miss her with all my heart. I feel the same when I laugh but I know she would want me to live my best life and be happy but I can’t without her.
It’s just so raw and horrible in the first few months. You feel like the world is turning but you’re standing still. I was the same walking around thinking I can’t believe I’ll never see her again. I want to phone her, I need to tell her something. That feeling does subside as the months go by but saying that, I had it again this morning out of nowhere and felt right back at week one. I think what I’m saying is that how you feel now will become intermittent but it’s just you, sadly, getting used to her not being here.
The only way I can stop the awful flashbacks is to try and replace them with a happy memory. It’s starting to work as I’m trying to train my thought process. I have to or I’d not want to live anymore with these images. Happy to chat about anything any time xxx

Hi Sal46
Reading your words brought me so much comfort. Is it selfish to say it’s nice to speak to people going through the same thing. These forums keep me going. All along through diagnosis I’ve tried to speak with people who are in the same boat and it really does help.
Would love to chat more. Are we able to take the chat offline at all or set up a small WhatsApp group maybe? not sure how it works xxx