It sounds like somehow you are muddling through & definitely making progress which is all positive for your son & your future together. Ive signed up for yoga next week, i stopped hiking a few years ago but i will eventually get back into it because i agree nature is a healer. I really struggle with meditation & bringing myself back to the present but i want to.put that back into my daily routine. But all these things just feel like fillers to.distract me from the void & reality my mum is no longer here.
The counselling will hopefully help you further, Iāll definitely be requesting it when i am able to.
When i lost my dad I didnt have support until 2 years after - unresolved grief-.so i am.scared of repeating that. But the grief of losing mum is definitely harder, more so because when i lost my dad, my mum was there to.help.me through
@Sophie8 just to add - i am not dismissing meditation in anyway so.i hope it didnt come across like that, its just that i am struggling myself with it, though i know it is probably one of the best things i can commit to x
@Ribena99 please donāt worry as I was the same, thought I could not ādo meditationā but thankfully grief has thrown me into learning really fast. It helps to ground me you see as otherwise I ruminate in my head so much. All I do is light a candle, close my eyes, and focus on breaths in for 4 seconds, out for 5, hold and start again.
When I canāt be in nature I have also signed up for virtual challenges via the Conqueror Challenge app, I started it just before mum passed and wanted to continue for my wellbeing. So far I have walked Giza, Amalfi Coast and just started Hawaii.
I know what you mean about thinking things are fillers, I guess I also see them as little lifelines now, something even small that I can hang onto to keep me Here, rather than lower down and sad. Acceptance is so hard and this is why I talk to mum daily as otherwise I do feel I am avoiding it, like you I grieved badly when my gran died and then when my dad died. I saw how mum handled my gran there was lots of anger and just Getting On With Things and I found it hard to see. So this time I am trying to do better and healthier, also as an example for my son. My husband also, as he still has both parents.
I like the sound of that app! In some respects, i think im avoiding meditation, perhaps actually wanting to be stuck in my head right nowā¦ do you mind me asking if you are working? I feel so torn, alot of people saying āadjust to your new normalā āget on with lifeā . Im back in work tomorrow - 3 weeks since mum died, 2 days after funeral. I feel like screaming at people that say this is a good thing. Perhaps for some, but i dont think ive had anytime to simply cry & be, so going back to work is hardly going to allow me time for that :((
@Sophie8 i hope your inlaws are kind & supportive to you by the way. My partners mum visited 1 week after mum died, asking how i now feel about being an orphanā¦
Hi @Ribena99 I am working yes, I did take a week off when mum passed and started but reduced hours, then a couple of days off after the funeral. It is hard, but I found I had spent quality time remembering her, much better than I had done grieving previously, and was then ready for some kind of routine. I recognise I am very routine driven though, and it helps me personally.
Also, these few months have been very expensive with less work overall and being self employed I recognised I had to do Something and mumās personality was that I should not Wallow too much. I guess I followed that a tiny bit for her sake. We could not afford for me to be off loads more and it kept my brain busy. You may find that daily time even when you are in the toilet to just Be and quiet your mind may help a little. You can ask work colleagues to not mention anything, and that that would help you, or ask them to say only mention it after working hours, whatever helps you.
Yes itās hard to deal with other People. You have to ignore alot of them I find.
Mother in law has the empathy of a brick pretty much, on the DAY of the funeral after we got home actually said āif you are not doing anything with those flowers I will take themā. What the ones that were sitting on top of my mumās coffin an hour ago?? No.
Father in law (lives in another country) is somewhat more empathetic, but they still talk sometimes, and between them have told my hubby that I should be āmoving onā an dthey do not mention mum anymore. Generational thing, or lack of empathy in general, no idea. I do not rely on them for support, just some friends, and online groups. the FB group Healing After the Loss of your Mother is excellent as is the related book, itās a worldwide group though
How awful, with such tact, maybe she is related to mine 
You messages have really helped, thank you. I dont want to wallow for too long, but ive not had any time to actually just be & rest etc. Its difficult being self employed because it pressure on you to earn, so that must whereas being employed ive got a bit of a safety net. I just intend to get through each hour as it comes x
Employed is defintely better so do utilise any support they offer. You are very early days and each day is all we can do to get by, no one prepares us for this remember. You just have to swim and keep your head above water as best you can x
I understand where you guys are coming from. My mum died at the end of May this year. Suddenly and unexpectedly; sheās been ill during the week with stomach pains and trapped wind and vomiting. Sheād had this before after sheād had a blockage in her bowel removed in 2019. It was told to us by nurses and who she saw at the check ups that her stomach could be sensitive for a while after this operation. But it only happened once in a blue moon and maximum once or twice a year so it never felt like a massive cause for concern, especially after what we were told by the medical professionals.
So after she died they did a post mortem and it turned out she had gallstones in her gallbladder; so every time she was ill (my dad and I have figured out) it mustāve been a gallstone passing through but sadly this time it got stuck. So she died of a perforated gallbladder and in the process fecael peritonitis leaked into a cavity which caused her death. Itās heartbreaking and my dad and I have gone through all of the motions of feeling guilty and regretful for something we had no idea about. Looking back now over the last couple of years, we shouldāve took her to the hospital or the doctor. But as this had happened so many times before, we werenāt thinking this time was any different. The regret and the weight of feeling like you didnāt do enough is a like being throw against a brick wall.
My partner, he saw her in the morning as he was going to work and she was fine. No change from the day before, was walking around and talking etc. So he left for work at 6am and then my dad came downstairs at 9:30am and found her slumped in the chair, unresponsive, and cold. We called 999 and did instructed cpr whilst we waited for the ambulance to come. Iāll never forget the horror of my dad shouting me from my bedroom, saying āLou itās your motherā - I raced down those stairs but I canāt explain it, some how in those moments of running I knew she was gone 
but we carried on, hoping for a miracle. The paramedics came and they tried for 2-5 minutes and they said weāre really sorry, thereās nothing more we can do 
in that moment my stomach dropped, reality didnāt feel real, and it felt like the world was spinning around me. My best friend and one of the most important people in my life gone, just like that. No chance to save her. It was utterly devastating and itās a pain and a loss and ache I canāt describe until youāve been through it.
The regrets and the pain that came after were just horrible. Hearing my dad sob was heart breaking, knowing heās lost his life partner and best friend. It honestly hurt more the way he would violently sob and blamed himself. And you know, of course I wish weād have took her to the hospital and maybe this whole outcome wouldāve been different and this is the harsh sad reality that we have to live in now. But as to why the doctor my dad called the night before she died didnāt instruct us to go to A&E after sheād been throwing up consistently for 5 days in a row, we will never know. If the doctor had, it couldāve saved her life.
People say you canāt blame yourself, but we all do it. When you look back you feel you shouldāve done more but I know even if we could go back in time, because of what weād been advised it still wouldnāt have been a cause for concern. Not ever thinking you can go from having sickness and stomach cramps to dying a few days later.
Itās been 14 weeks now and I can say it gets no better. You live life in stamps of time, thinking of your person every day and missing them constantly. But you live life in the sense of before the event and after. They donāt cross, theyāre two separate lines of time. But they both existed. So itās really devastating and heart breaking and I donāt know how itās been this long but some how here we are.
Sending love to you all 
weāre in this together xxx
@KatieLou thats devastating. The guilt & should haves are endless for us all. I look back on my mums diagnosis & regret not pushing more to the heathcare, not being there more, somehow listening to everyone saying she will be ok but in my heart i knew she wouldnt. Yet when they told us the cancer had spread it was still like someone took a sledge hammer to me. Im blinking scared of life without her, reading these posts that the grief never leaves, that there is some sort of existence after losing our parents.
Ive just arrived at my mums after having her funeral yesterday & i cant stop crying. I think its the first time ive let myself go like this because the enormity is starting to hit me.
You are right though, we all have this void & emptiness & somehow are where we are & will somehow find a way through x
It really is and it really sucks. As youāre never thinking this kind of thing can happen to you and your family. Thatās for tragic news stories and tv shows like Casualty until suddenly youāre hit with this reality youāve never experienced. And of course how could you ever understand, the person whoās died has been here for your whole life or been a big part of your life. So itās all new territory.
Of course I knew one day my parents wouldnāt be here, but every time Iād be like Iām grateful that isnāt today until one day it suddenly is and your whole world is changed forever. Iām in a constant cycle at the moment of some days being fine and other days being heartbreaking all over again. Some days I get through without crying and other days Iām up majority of the night crying myself to sleep. Grief is very unforgiving as is time and its concept.
Thatās awful, cancer is horrendous. When they did my mums autopsy they also found cancer in her colon, despite being told that she was all clear just this time last year. Crazy, I refuse to believe that wasnāt there when they did her final check up. Itās slow growing so it mustāve already been there when she had her final check up. My mums death is just a massive mess of mistakes and regrets. Iāll always believe she was never meant to die. She gives me signs all the time, which even though it doesnāt fix whatās gone it is a big comfort to know sheās very much still apart of my life, just in a different way. That will never make me feel better about this card Iāve been dealt, but I think it would be 10x worse if she was completely just gone. Iāve always been a big believer in the spirit world and something else after where we are now. So I take big comfort in knowing when sheās around.
What happened during your mums diagnosis if you donāt mind me asking?
My mums funeral was in June, it was a beautiful day and we wanted it to be a celebration of her life. We wore bright colours (her favourite is purple), we sang songs, we read a timeline of her life and had some laughs, and I read a tribute to her which Iāll forever be proud I was able to do that for her. We even had a purple sparkly coffin for her and the way it sparkled in the sunshine is something Iāll never forget. It was beautiful and sheāll sparkle no matter where she is because sheās such a bright light to so many people. She was truly a special rare gem and itās the biggest loss for so many people in our lives. There will never be another person like my mum in all our lives, sheās was truly rare. Iāll forever be proud of her and for the kind and wonderful and down to earth person she was. If I become half the woman she is itāll be her greatest legacy
It was really special because lots of people are her work said to me all she ever talked about was me and the things I was doing and all my achievements and how proud she was of me. She didnāt always say it to me but itās special to know how special I was to her as she to me
Iām always here if you want someone to talk to. Just take it day by day, no pressure on yourself, youāre allowed to be however you wanna be. Donāt sugar cote it and lie to people, if youāre not okay just say youāre not. Nor are you ever expected to be. You know I feel the loss for the girl I was before, the girl who was happy with life and how everything was going so right and it hurts knowing Iāll never be that girl again as she is the girl who had her mum xxx
Good morning, I lost my dad Saturday night. It all feels very surreal. He collapsed and died at home. Myself, my son, my brother and dadās partner were present. The paramedics worked on dad for 1/2 hour but he was gone. Iām at a loss as what to do, he was my hero and I miss him so much. Dad was the heartbeat of our family and I still cannot believe he is gone. I am trying to stay strong for my children but I have an actual pain in my heart and I feel scared. The emotions come on in waves., one minute I feel ok and the next I am in tears. The only comfort I can take is that dad would have wanted to pass this way, rather than being in hospital. know I am babbling on but Iām at a loss as to what to do and how I should handle this xx
@Ktk16 I am so sorry - the heart pain I had that too, itās ok it will calm down eventually, but your body is scared and your mind is racing. Once that fear calms down the pain eases compared to now anyway. For me meditation helped calm me, in the early days i tried valium couple times but the meditation was better. Big hug I am so sorry
I remember waking up the next day hoping it was all a bad dream. The first couple of nights and many many more after that I could barely sleep. I would go to bed at like 4am-5am and wake up at 9:30am, I just couldnāt sleep. All my mind and body could do was just think about it and her constantly. As for the first 10 weeks my dad and I had no idea what my mum even died of. So we had to make āpeaceā (but not really if you get me) with the not knowing and still doing things to sort out her funeral and closing her accounts etc. Then when we finally found out what she died of (as you guys saw above) that was like going through it all again. You know the pain, the heartache, the regrets etc.
The Friday my mum died was such a blur. You know it all happened so fast whilst it felt like time stood still. One of the hardest bits of that day was actually when the undertakers came and took her away, the last time she would ever leave our little village, the most heartbreaking way she couldāve ever left. I remember my dad saying to them please look after her and take good care of her and even though it was devastating, I remember it took a long time for the undertakers to come. Like an hour and a half and I donāt know why it was that long but Iām grateful now that we had that time together as a family to just be with her. Sit with her physical body in our home all together for the last time. As even though we saw her in the funeral home, of course she looked more as she did on the day she died compared to after her autopsy and having embalming done etc (even though she still looked beautiful either way.)
I remember the first couple of weeks I slept with her dressing gown every night. Itās crazy how when you lose a parent you almost feel like youāre a little toddler again, Iām only 27 and it feels surreal to say my mum died when I was 27. So even though Iāve grown up you revert back to needing them because youāve always had them. Plus I still live with my mum and dad so the weight of it all was a lot. The whole event is still very surreal even now, 3 months later, like itās almost like your mind thinks did I really go through all of this traumatic event. Especially when you see friends and family again and you go back to work and get back into a kind of routine again. Itās a very strange reality and I have constant moments of as if this is really my life, you know when I think of how our life was before and knowing the crushing feeling of it never being the same again.
Here if you ever need someone. Sending love to you all xxx
Hi @KatieLou
I was asleep for a change (stayed at my.mums.for comfort) the work today. There are so many similarities to our services for iur mums & their pride towards us. Whislt we didnt have all the sparkle & purple ( that sounds amazing) it wasnt a totally depressing atmosphere. We had music, photo tribute & i weaved in my mums humour. People said how it was very much her , that she was there in someway so like you, i take comfort in that but it still doesnt make us any less heratbroken that they simply arent here with us now.
With mum, i regret alot. They couldnt locate the primary cancer - 2 weeks wait for an app, then a twi week wait for a test, then a two week wait for result, only.to be told that that scan didnt reveal the location, so another scan to seravh in a few weeks, then few weeks wait for the result & that went on for monthās. At one point i teied to ask about private but they said PET scans cant be done privately so we just accepted their word & the waiting. Then they decdided they couldnt loacte the primary so they absolutely hit her with radio chome to be āsureā. Then still present in her neck so that was another op. Then routine lung scan showed it had gone to the lung. We were completely floored because for almost 12 months there was no change to the shadows on the lung so we were told it was likely polltuion or smoking because thats what most of showā¦ absolutely regret not doing āmoreā
But thats our way of trying to blame something, someone even ourselves because we are struggling with life without them, because there is no justification for our precious mums being taken from us - because no way would they leave by choice.
You mention your mums pride - take huge comfort in that. Its always something to remind you that when you doubt yourself , as we often do, your mum is there somehow reassuring you. Its just terrible that we dont have them here in person.
I feel the same- but somehow i hope we can both (all to anyone else seeing this) be at least content with the girls who dont have their mums, but know in our hearts how much they adore us and how much they will adore us when we somehow alter to who we are without them - big hugs to you x
@Ktk16 so sorry to read your loss. It must be very traumatic & understandably hard to comprehend whats happened. Ive found this site a huge help and k hope it can help you too in some way. Granted it doesnt change whats happened but there are so many people who can relate to how you.are feeling & hopefully help support you because we all need it. Take care as best you can, as my friend said, our parents wouldnāt want us to fall apart however much we might feel we want to x
@KatieLou
Nobody can prepare you can they for what this all feels like. My Mum died around the same time as yours and we too did CPR on Mum until the ambulance arrived but in the end it wasnāt to be. I still canāt get over the shock of the suddenness of Mumās death, we just werenāt expecting it and Iād been with her a few hours earlier. I understand where youāre coming from, Mum was my best friend we always had such a close relationship itās like someone has ripped my heart out. I now realise this is something I have to adjust to in my life, I will never get over losing my Mum like some people say, itās changed my life, my map and I realise my brain needs to adapt to the massive void in my life. We are all going through this together it hurts so much and hanging in there when these waves of emotion take you over. Iām a crier anyway but Iāve never cried as much in all my life as I have in the past few months.
Love to you all xx
@Ktk16
Sorry for you loss, we are all in similar situations here. The disbelief, the emotional and physical pain of it all. The waves of grief you just have to hold in there and ride them out they will come and go and at least if youāre crying itās coming out and in many ways considered āhealthy griefā. Through being on this site I gathered lots of the way Iām feeling is ānormalā for want of a better word. My tears can come over me in literally 1 second, sometimes itās a short cry other times itās a sob. My Mum like your Dad passed quickly and painlessly and I think this is better for them just hard for us left behind but Iād rather suffer than have my Mum suffer. To be honest I donāt know how Iāve got through the past few monthsā¦but I have, on autopilot. You need to just do what you can, be kind to yourself, just take a day at a time. 3 months on and Iām still doing that. If I think or try to do too much I just breakdown Iām just not strong enough. Please donāt think youāre babbling, you need to let it out as much as you can. If you have genuine people around you that you can offload and talk to, do it, it has helped me. There is no right and wrong way. Grief like this changes your life forever. Sending a hug 
Thank you. If I had the great pleasure of having my dad back, just for one moment, he would tell me to stop moping and get back out there. Truth is, thatās a long way off. I totally understand this is still very raw and new. Take each day. I will. I have amazing support in my family, friends and work. It is a process. Albeit a very difficult one.
It really was amazing! We didnāt even know you could get anything like that until we sat down and looked through the catalog. It was actually really exciting picking it as the minute my dad and I saw it we knew we had to get that because sheād love it. She loves purple and it had gold accents for the handles and stuff (gold is her favourite jewellery colour) and she loves anything sparkly. We also didnāt tell anyone about it so that when she drove in, people would see it and go āoh yeah thatās so Maggieā - so it was really special. That was like a happy moment in the depth of the pit and then when we got to see it for the first time it really was amazing.
God thatās awful, Iām sorry you guys had to endure all of that messing around for so long. Itās just not good enough is it, especially when youāre messing around with peoples livelihoods you know. Itās unfair, weāre told to go to the doctors and I feel like itās the same stories over again. Weāre told things are nothing to worry about or itās this and itās that but it always seems to be deeper than they say. Itās not good enough. Too many people are being misdiagnosed and they shouldnāt be. My dadās had cancer in his throat and neck - luckily he was okay because they caught it early. But even though they found it early, it had spread to the lymph nodes in the other side of his neck when they came to do the treatment so they had to change the plan. As I say, luckily he was okay and heās clear now but yeah that was scary because it was going on whilst I was in my final year of uni. So I didnāt see a lot of the sickness and the trips to the hospital etc, my mum was there for dad through all of that. She was strong for him during that time but behind the scenes she was terrified. Iāll never forget when he was given the all clear, it was on her birthday, and she said thatās the best birthday gift Iāve ever had 
Thatās disgraceful though that you guys were not treated better in your case and they were not honest with you. Itās unfair because now you have to work through the heartbreaking outcome when it shouldāve never been this way xxx