This is my 1st post here. I lost my Mum nearly 7 weeks ago. She had stage 4 lung cancer but was doing ok. Still doing stuff getting about. We went out for family meal with my brother and my family - it was her favourite place. She collapsed and died outside her house - it was so sudden. We just weren’t expecting that. I always said I would know when she nearing the end but I didn’t know - I am so angry with myself. We thought she had more time - she thought she had more time. I am just so sad she isn’t here anymore. She won’t see my boys grow up and that kills me. I miss her so much - I have moments when I forget and then I have to re-live it all over again. People keep saying you have memories but I don’t want them I want my mum. I have no parents now I feel so alone. Thanks for listening.
Hello, just read your message and I am
so sorry to hear about your lovely Mum. Is a shock when we lose somebody so special and when it’s a Mum/ Dad we love so much we are floored and consumed with grief. Please don’t be angry with yourself. You couldn’t possibly have known how long you had with your Mum. I lost my dear Mum Dec 27th 2022 and think I have been consumed with every emotion at one time or another. I blamed myself for not knowing she only had 3 days left when I kissed her goodbye. She told me she was going to miss me when I left. I berated myself for not reading between the lines. I couldn’t possibly have known… I’m not going to tell you it’s gets easier. We never stop loving certain people, even when we can’t see them anymore. You will learn to live with the loss and hopefully remember there wasn’t anything you could do. I hope this forum brings you some comfort. I realise I’m not alone in missing my Mum ( I’m 52 now and Mum was 82 when she passed) and continuing to miss her despite other peoples expectations of moving on. Take care, Jules
Thanks Jules. I appreciate your reply. I realise until you have lost your Mum you will never know the pain. You say the words you think are right but until you experience it you never fully realise the enormity of it. I am sorry about your Mum it’s a club that nobody wants to be in. Xxx
@Julest @Lujo
Just read your posts, sorry about your losses, I lost my Mum a couple of months ago too, understand completely. We were so close Mum and I and it was so sudden. The shock, the grief it’s all overwhelming. I feel like I’ll never feel joy again, it doesn’t seem to matter what people say, at the end of the day my lovely Mum isn’t physically with me anymore. I miss her so much. It’s true what people say, after the funeral etc most people leave you alone and expect you to pick up and move on. I’m devastated, I cry every day numerous times a day, tears are just under the surface all the time wherever I am. I don’t want to socialise and the worse I feel I tend to isolate more. I feel like I’m just a burden as I feel so miserable. I refuse to say I’m OK because I’m not. There’s so many of us feeling like this on this site. I realise that grief is different depending on the person you have lost and the strength of your bond / relationship. I know I’ll never be the same again without her and can only be another version of me. I think the scary thing is I know nobody can say how long before it may feel any easier. Sorry I’m not much help to you I’m a mess inside myself.
I am so sorry. I can relate as my mum collapsed suddenly in April, I never even got to see her as there was a post morten to find out what happened. Cardiac arrest took her from me.
I feel like you that you cannot see life the same, people care but after a few weeks they expect you to carry on. My own inlaws think that I should just be back to normal now, they have the empathy of a brick.
You can only do what is right for you. For me this is being in nature, taking small steps, sometimes an hour or day at a time. Eat wwhat you can when you can. Sleep if you can. Medidate, for me this has become essential. I also talk to mum every day and have a memorial area in my garden as could not face her being in a cemetary with strangers and was worried I would not visit.
Please stay well and share on here as you go, this is a horrible journey we are all on but can support eachother.
Thank you for replying. I can tell from you post you still in grieving yourself. I feel exactly the same - everything carries on but I don’t want to. I don’t want my Mum to miss out on anything. I have children so I have to carry on but I don’t feel like it. You are not a burden - you need to deal with everything in your own time no matter how long that takes. You are right once the funeral is over - people do expect you to start living normally. My normal will never be the same - like I am sure yours won’t xx
Thank you for replying. I am sorry that your Mum went suddenly too. I did get see my Mum as my brother phoned saying she collapsed so I thought she just couldn’t get up but when we got there my brother was doing cpr on her. I don’t think I will ever that out of my head. We had a post mortem too - she had a pulmonary embolism so it was quick.
I am sorry your in-laws aren’t supportive. I think people think it best you keep busy and do stuff but that’s not what I want to do.
I talk to my Mum too. I have a lovely picture by my bedside and I tell her what I am doing.
Thank you @Sophie8 for your reply. When people have no empathy I just feel like I don’t want those people around me at all and go into preservation mode. I have never been on as many nature walks as I have since Mum died it does feel better being out in nature than in social areas for me. I talk to Mum all the time too. Yes you keep sharing too, I’m quite amazed at how many people are going through this.
@Lujo Sending hugs, no my life will never be the same my Mum was an absolute gem. Take care and keep posting xx
@Rainbow11 thank you yes I am the same - since mum passes, trees have been hugely important for me, like I can feel their energy? I have been on lots of walks and in end fo March before mum passed I had joined a virtual challenge to walk round Giza. I only completed it 2 weeks ago but feel proud. I have joined another to walk along the Amalfi Coast which I think mum would have liked.
I am definitely in preservation mode as you say, talking to mum actually helps calm me and the meditation, plus Sleep Stories on the Calm app have been a lifesaver.
@Lujo I am sorry you saw the cpr, from what you say I guess I am glad i did not see the paramedics doing it on mum in the care home. They only knew they had checked her around 4am and she was found at 9 in the next check, so it was sudden and she was in private but I wish I was with her when she went still.
@Sophie8
I think for me with nature it’s the realisation of the freedom within it and escaping the material world that we live in. I’m like a fly on the wall these days observing the world carrying on but I don’t feel like I’m part of it at the moment (and can’t see when I ever will). I don’t like going around the shops like I used to, there’s so much ‘stuff’ out there and none of it feels important it all just feels fake somehow. Sorry but my reality where I feel so sad I just want to be in nature and away from all this.
Well done to you with the walks! and I’ll check the calm app out. Thanks x
@Lujo
I talk to Mum too, it just spills out without me realising it. I’m trying to keep busy today and then just sat in the garden with a cuppa looked up at the sky and started to sob again, tears are just under the surface all the time.
My husband and I did CPR on Mum when we found her (guided by 999) until ambulance arrived and took over and lots of people have said how traumatic it must have been but to be honest we just did what we needed to at the time you just don’t stop or think. I go over things again and again in my head it’s like I can’t help it. x
@Sophie8 it’s hard isn’t it - I was there but I couldn’t do anything I was a mess. My brother was there but he is haunted by it. I keep thinking I wasn’t actually with her as she was already dead when I got there. My brother just said she had collapsed so I thought she just couldn’t get up. I brought my youngest with me as I didn’t ever think she was going to die. I keep going over it constantly - why couldn’t we do anything. I know it won’t make a difference but I can’t help it.
@Rainbow11 I keep talking to her and about her as I don’t want her to be forgotten as life moves on.
My brother said exactly the same he just did what he had to. You have no choice not matter how hard it is. I think we found the worst when they just left my mum with us while we waited for funeral directors. We had the police there too - that was just horrific.
We have been sorting through my mums house. @Rainbow11 @Sophie8 have you done this yet? Xx
@Lujo we found similar except they told us to go down so we could see her, paramedics said this, then they rang back half hour or so later and said no don’t come. It will be better for you to see her once she ‘looks more like herself’ . I am haunted by it, as then due to post mortem time we never did see her, I was scared, wanted my last memory of her to be in our garden relaxed, 2 days before. But with police and paramedics giving me mixed messages it was upsetting at an already horrendous time.
We are fortunate that my siblings and I had already helped mum move, and sell her place, to move in with us, and then she moved into a home purely for more independence and company of people her age. At least she loved it there. This way we do not have all that to do, but I do need to sort through final bags of things which I keep avoiding.
That sounds awful - I think there is no right or wrong if you see loved ones when they have gone. I remember my Mum always telling me she never saw her parents when they died as she wanted to remember them alive.
Ah ok - that’s good she liked it there and she was happy. There is no time limit on sorting out those bags - only when you feel ready.
I know its been a whole since this thread was active & im new to this site. I lost my mum 3 weeks ago. Funeral yesterday & already people are talking about adjusting to the normality. Reading your thought’s & feelings my heart goes out to you all, & though i can’t stand this pain, ive forced myself to read it because i dont think the enormity of losing my mum has quite hit me yet. I have no other family so i am not sure how i will ever be “ok” again , feel.totally alone
@Ribena99 I am so very sorry you are here. The pain is unbearable and you have done the right think to find this site and talk to us . The hardest part is seeing other people people seem to adapt when you are living in 2 timelines and nothing will ever be the same. I have found it hard and am 4 months in this awful journey. Please take each day at a time and do start your own thread if that would help you, for me this site is somewhere safe I can vent like a journal and I know people understand.
Please try to be kind to you, sleep when you can, eat what you can, and do 1 thing max per day as and when this helps, or nothing, until you can build up to 1 or 2. Big hug an dthank you for posting here with us.
@Ribena99 @Sophie8
I agree with @Sophie8 you have done the right thing posting on here. There are so many of us living with the loss of our loved ones and to be honest ‘normal’ goes out of the window. All I can say is I will never be the same again just another version of myself and a think a lot of people will agree. The shock, disbelief, pain and longing, the heartache I don’t know how I can still walk about…but I do. You will probably find you are on autopilot doing some normal things. You will find you are stronger than you think you are, I think we all are but just overcome with everything. I hope you have some support to help you through? to listen to you? I’m feeling that so many months on I think a lot of people even though they don’t say it expect you to have moved on. People don’t see other people behind closed doors, they don’t know the suffering. As Sophie8 says if you can sleep that’s good, eat, even if you don’t really want to, you need to keep yourself as strong as you can and just do what you feel you can. As long as you’re moving forward a little. Big Hug 
Thank you both. The loss is just overwhleming isnt it. It is helpful knowing my feelings arent unique to me but my word its bloody scary to move forward a little at time knowing from your posts that life will be an altered version - one indont want but i know i have to accept. Its like being in a club mone if us want to be a member of… x
@Ribena99 @Rainbow11 that’s exactly it, you realise no one prepared you for this esp your mum. How can they? It makes me think when the time comes with my son how will I do this. I can only show him by example now how I am handling things each day and keep explaining, show vulnerability, but a little resillience, that routines carry on though you do not feel the same.
I find talking to mum each morning, telling her my latest news and any fears, thoughts, then going onto meditate helps me alongside healing frequency music at the same time. I bought some meditation beads which I like, healing stones that are pretty. Also, nature walks. If I can’t walk aromatherapy helps, especially an oil called Hinoki - it is NOT cheap, but if you look into forest bathing, it will explain Hinoki is from a certain cedar in Japan from memory. I love how comforting it is.
Am starting Sue Ryder counmselling this Friday also so register when you are able if you would like that (I think at the 3 months mark they allow you to, then takes weeks after that for them to confirm a slot)