My lovely SO

I just thought I’d come and say hi.

I’m on here because 14 years ago I lost not only my partner but he was my best friend and my soulmate. When we got together I always knew I could lose him any time as he was unwell with his heart but the day I did lose him was the worst day of my life

The only time we ever argued and I said something’s that I would give anything to be able to take back. He had died in my arms that same day and I have felt so so guilty because I know if I could turn back the clock I would not have said what I said .

The pain I still feel for him is so raw and it would have been his 57th birthday on the 21st of February and it destroys me every single birthday, anniversary etc because I can’t take that day back.

I’ve never felt so awful


@Caroline351988 Hi, welcome to the site, I’d say we all understand but somehow that might seem a bit trite. 14 years is a long time to carry that amount of pain, it’s been 14 months for me and things have got easier, very different but more comfortable to bear. I don’t know the context and the details, but my wife and ‘I would argue, shout and mock each other as part of our relationship, it was something that attracted us to the other, the ability to take the criticism. We could be honest and we both appreciated that. Whatever you said I’m sure your partner would have forgiven you, it’s really not within us to hate those that we love. We can never take any of it back, but we can forgive ourselves, if not us then who?

As I’ve said, I don’t know your circumstances, but if you haven’t already, you may want to consider counselling or therapy, I can’t speak from experience but many people on here have found it beneficial.


I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly 13 months ago. We were together for 30 years and married for 25 years. I would often nag at my husband and say mean things to him. I wrote him a letter when he died and said sorry to him with all the mean things I said. After having counselling and talking to other people I found out that lots of couples argue and row. I’m sure your husband would of left you if he wasn’t happy with you and didn’t love you. Time to be kind to yourself and forgive yourself. I’m trying to do this as well. Think of all the nice things you did for your husband.
Take care and big hugs xx

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Well it is refreshing to know I am not only one then. We used to say things i think we both wished we had not said.
One of benefits if you can say that is the times we argued have stopped of course but if i do something he wouldn’t like I do not have any re percussions. No one to complain. But he used to bring ne a bunch flowers so I buy myself a bunch now sometimes.
Or do an arrangement for his grave. I made a big fuss last time it was his birthday after he died.
Got out his old bday cards etc. But not sure this year. We got him a photo memorial pot.
I haven’t managed to refresh his marker yet.
His headstone isnt there yet as it takes time but his memorial bench is there. I am glad about that. You wouldn’t believe how much effort that took. I would like to plant a tree really. Whether that will get done by Wed now is doubtful. I can understand feeling eternally upset years later as I wish I had got to my mum before it was too late. But she died in 1996 so it is still there.


Sorry for your loss I wasn’t allowed to do anything for my fiancé he died suddenly last July his youngest daughter had it all and his ex wife signed the death certificate as his daughter is nearly 16 I wasn’t allowed a day in anything couldn’t even go to his funeral I feel like crap most days but I have my own children one lives worth me she’s 30 and the other one is 25 she lives with her fella my
Fiancé daughter has dis owned me as if I never excised at all I was called a thief because I went and took my own personal things back we didn’t live together but I always stayed his always thought it would be fine meeting someone with children nothing but hate and jealousy on their part his daughter and ex wife from day 1 he drank himself to death as was the only way out x