My Mam died a week ago

My mam died a week ago tomorrow morning. She had stage 4 gall bladder cancer spread to the liver and died within a week of being told. I can’t stop crying. I can’t do anything. My dad thinks I should be over it now. My sisters are planning everything and laughing and joking like it’s a social get together. I can’t stand it. I can’t be around them. My memory of her is already faded. I have had panic attacks and agoraphobia for years. She was the only one who understood and defended me. I’m so alone. I don’t think I can go to the funeral. I’m waiting to go to see her one last time at the chapel of rest and wanted to record it so I have her forever but I’m not allowed to. She is everything to me. She had other health things and she was going to recover. Nobody knew about the cancer. She had lost so much weight. I was so shocked. So much time wasted not sitting chatting to her. I didn’t know how precious the time was. I wish I’d told her how precious she is to me. I was so busy getting jobs done that I didn’t really spend the time with her. I hate my anxiety and how stressed I always am. Sometimes I couldn’t even go over because I would have a panic attack, or have to leave suddenly. I couldn’t see her without rushing to get things done. She is the most loving and generous person and I didn’t tell her how lucky I felt to have her as my mam. I hope she will visit me. I keep calling for her and see little white feathers everywhere. I am destroyed. I was so upset when dad just wanted all of her clothes taken away. He’s going to replaced all her furniture. She would be so hurt and upset. Nobody seems to understand why I’m so devastated. It’s not even a week. I can’t bear to be alone but it’s so stressful being with my family. I live alone and it feels like a tomb. I think of calling mam and then it hits me again. It doesn’t seem real. I break my heart when I go to sleep and then wake early and do the same. My mam was the person who understood my anxieties and defended me to everyone. I feel so lost and totally vulnerable, like a child. Everything is distressing. I do normal things like a robot and then it hits me over and over again. She’s not here. She died. I told her I’d trade places with her if I could to save her but there was nothing they could do. She didn’t tell medics she had pains in the stomach and thought it was her unstable angina. She was told she would get better with tablets. I took it for granted that she’d last forever and become a very old lady like old aunties in the family. I didn’t realise the time was so precious to tell her how amazing she is and how loved. We were all there when she died so I’m pleased. I don’t think I can go to the funeral because of my panic attacks. I feel so alone and have no one to talk to now that mam is not here. I cannot face xmas and the street decorations are so over the top. We loved xmas and all the things leading up to it. I can’t imagine waking up xmas morning because I would visit my parents and open presents, and then again with everyone else Boxing Day. I will spend it alone at home asleep. I can’t bear to do any of the normal things like watching tv, listening to music, reading. I just want her back so things can go back to normal and I promise to be more aware of making time special. She was in such pain and I didn’t know. I hate myself because I didn’t take care of her when I had the chance. I’d do anything to have that time with her again, or even just to explain how much I adore her and will be so lost without her.

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Dear Christine,

I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. Everyone deals with bereavement differently and maybe your family members are in denial, who knows.
Personally I don’t think you can avoid the inevitable crush and pain that comes with a loss. I’m sure it will hit them all at some point.

It’s so very early days for you and very raw. All your thoughts, promises, guilt that you feel are very normal. We have all felt the same belief me.
I’m glad you have chosen to post on this site. It’s my new family and it’s gives me the opportunity to rant, say what’s in my heart and know that I am understood. Nobody wants to be here but unfortunately we are, but because everyone understand the support is immense.

As you struggle to go out you will hopefully find this site useful for you as you can reach out at any time from the safety of your home.
It’s hard for us to grasp how life continues, Christmas will arrive, when our own world has come crushing down.
Take each day, hour as it comes and be kind to yourself.

Dee xx

Hi Christine 51
So sorry to hear about your mum , I lost my dear mum in July this year and I’ve been struggling every day no one can prepare you for the pain that you go through when they’ve gone, mum was diagnosed with secondary liver cancer and I gave my job up to nurse her at home she passed away 6 weeks after, I miss her every day and the guilt like you mention of feeling like I could have done more or realised how poorly she was is so hard to live with and to try and come to terms with not seeing or speaking to her again is so raw still, I can’t yet accept she’s gone :cry:, people say take a day at a time and be kind to yourself and I’m trying, I have two amazing daughters who understand and try to help with the pain but no-one can fill or heal that void we feel , I’ve just had my first birthday without mum and it was hard ,I’m not looking forward to Christmas just want this year over with but again that won’t bring mum back life is so cruel sometimes, thus forum is good to message on and know others are feeling your pain too, you don’t feel so alone in your grief, I’ve started counselling with cruse to see if that helps too
Always here for a chat anytime, take care
Lynn xx

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Hi Christine

I lost my mum suddenly nearly 2 and a half years ago and I’m still ‘not ok’

I’m avoiding the shops playing xmas music and fighting back tears putting decorations up for the sake of my daughter.

But my sister barely mentions my mum and has enjoyed life. I have accepted that we are different and that others appear to behave like they are ok but hide feelings inside or mask their grief.

You mourn for your mum as you need to and just take each day as it comes.


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Hi Christine, I am so sorry about your mum. I totally get how you feel and how devastating this loss is. I lost my mum in the middle of June and it was such a terrible shock and didn’t seem real. It is so very painful. Everyone deals with grief in a different way. I think there are only a few days I have not broken down. As Cheryl said, you just have to take each day as it comes. Try to get through one day at a time and don’t try to hold your feelings in. If you need to cry, cry. I am thinking of you x

My mum died 3 weeks ago and the pain is unbearable. I write letters to my Mum in a notebook and it brings a little comfort. I’m not doing christmas but i have bought a scrapbook and plan to put photos, shopping lists she wrote(i dont want to forget her handwriting) . I lived with my mum and we were best friends. We do what we have to do to get by. One day at a time. Take care everyone .

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Hi, that is a beautiful idea, a scrapbook full of memories. I know, the pain is excruciating and you can’t really describe the depth of it. As you say, one day at a time and that is so important. Take things slowly and reach out when you need to as often as you need to, we all understand how terribly hard this is. Take care too and I’m sending a massive hug xx

You must have had a great bond with your mam as I had u was her youngest of 12 . It’s it’s 36yrs Sunday gone . There’s not a day goes by when I say I wish my mam was here to tell her something. This year I needed her more than ever losing my daughter as she adored her . Laura has just been put to rest with my mam & I wish it was me . I just wish how to do this. Sending love & thinking of you

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I’m sorry you have lost your daughter. Losing our mums is just awful but losing a child is unimaginable for me.

I hold my 14 year old daughter close and tell her I love her every time I read about the loss of a child, no matter what age, on this site.

Thinking of you x

What a beautiful age . Laura was a ballerina travelled some lovely places. .she danced at saddlers wells as a signet in swan lake. Around your daughters age. You don’t know how precious & a gift they are . Cherish her xx

How lovely to be able to be able to tell that about your daughter. You must have been very proud x

So proud of all my children . Thought it would have spread to being just as proud of my grandchildren. If they’d had any xx thanks for your lovely message

I loved my ballet when I was young (with my sister). My mam made all our costumes. I remember the leg stretches for homework, balancing on the dining room table. Wish I’d kept going but when I started doing gymnastics later on I stopped the ballet. You must be so proud of your daughter doing Swan Lake. I love watching the ballet at Christmas but not sure if I can do it this time. No tree or decs or food or visiting or having visitors, shopping (will have to just give money for the children) or gifts. Just can’t face it without her here.

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Hi lovely I lost my mum Sunday total shock of being ill for 2 weeks gone !! The pain is unbearable ! I have anxiety too ! My mum did too ! I feel frightened and scared and wake up to another day of pain ! Our nums would not want us to feel like this i know they wouldn’t here if you want to chat Michelle :heart::heart::heart:

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Words can’t express how sorry I am to hear about your mum. It’s easy to know that they wouldn’t want us to suffer but they didn’t tell us how to move on without them :cry: x

No time is good to lose our loved ones but this time of year makes it worse imo. I had to go into town this morning and kept expecting to see her sitting on the bench waiting on me….it was so hard it hurt.

If you want to talk then we’re all here for you at this hard time x

Suzanne x

Thankyou so much :heart::heart::heart: it really is the worse pain ever and very scary too ! Emotions all over the place yesterday was my first day out and I was scared but I did it its hour by hour but helps to talk to overs that feel the same way Thankyou x

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Sorry that we are all in the position that we are here but also grateful (if that’s the word) that I are found people who truly understand.

I, like so many here, am really struggling today to go on and not just curl up and howl.

I want company but I don’t if that makes sense. What I actually want is my mum and I can’t :cry: x

I will be lighting my candle for her and everyone else who have lost a loved one tonight x

Keep strong and be kind to yourself and others x

Oh bless you yes I want my mum too its horrendous !! The pain i feel sick its been so quick for me I feel like im in a dream !!! And I want to wake up x

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I have found the last few days awful, the closer it gets to Christmas. My mum passed away suddenly in June and the pain is still indescribable. My thoughts are with everyone going through this nightmare. Thinking of you all x

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Sending through big hugs and lots of love xxx

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