I lost my mam in august last year, she was the one person that I knew was always there for me, I could tell her anything, and she was the only person that could make me believe everything was going to be ok. We would phone each other god knows how many times a day. I planned the funeral, went numb for few a few a few months, I was signed off work , went back to work. First Xmas without her passed, then my birthday. I was still numb and possibly in denial all that time but now it’s coming up to her birthday in a few weeks and I am a bigger mess now than I was last year. They say grief hits in waves and I shit you not, they are not wrong. The waves are brutal!!!! I miss her so much and I feel so lost. I get so angry at myself because I know she would be breaking her heart if she knew I was feeling like this, she had been through so much, 3 major heart surgeries and stroke and heart failure. She would always get upset when I was worried about her and apologise that she was putting me through this, she hated thinking she was the cause of my pain, she was thee strongest person I knew, she hid how ill she was when I was younger and even as a adult and how much pain she was in so that I wouldn’t worry but when she had the stroke she couldn’t control it anymore and she hated that. She would always say that you always feel better after getting a good greet (cry) out and I know she’s right but the greets don’t seem to be helping just now.
Hi Claire, I’m so sorry that you’ve lost your mum and for what you’re going through right now.
I really understand as I lost my own mum quite suddenly after she took a cardiac arrest at home almost 7 months ago and suffered a hypoxic brain injury as a result. She died in hospital the following day and I have been struggling with this ever since. Today, it would have been her birthday. In the days leading up this , I have felt utterly awful, like my heart has been ripped out. Feelings of extreme anxiety, unable to sleep properly, just awful. And I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about this until I saw your own post.
You must have loved your mum very much and having had such a close bond, it makes everything so much harder. You say you used to talk to her multiple times a day. I used to phone my mum every morning without fail, was on the phone for a good hour chatting about this and that and God, how I miss that. Often I find myself thinking, oh I need to phone Mum and tell her this…only to have reality hit me and I realise that I can’t. There are no phone lines to Heaven.
Like you, I felt numb over Christmas time but I just tried to get my head down and work hard at making it as nice as I could for everyone. We all went through the motions but it just felt so empty as I’m sure you will understand yourself. Then I went away to New York in early January for a break with my son. It was something we’d both planned before the covid pandemic. We had to put it on hold. Then last summer we decided to rebook and to be honest, when Mum died, I was seriously thinking we should just cancel, but Mum would have wanted us to go. So we went and both managed to enjoy our 4 days there. Again, part of me must have been in denial for me to be able to do this, but my good friend told me that I was badly needing a break. Having the Atlantic Ocean between us and everything back home, I had no choice but to switch off and it did me much good. It was only once I got back home that reality started to kick in and grief really began to hit me hard. I’d got through Mum’s funeral in November, had made all the arrangements to help my dad, had dealt with my student daughter being ill with flu and a chest infection on the actual day of the funeral, therefore she couldn’t attend and I had to leave her at home with her phone to keep in contact. My husband had to rush home quickly after Mum’s service to look after her and take her to a doctor, so I was left to help Dad and attend to the guests at the meal afterwards. It was just stress, stress and more stress. But I blocked it off and it’s now that I’m feeling these waves of grief that you yourself have spoken of. They do just creep up on you, take you by surprise and I find myself crying at the drop of a hat sometimes.
Your mum sounds like she was such a brave lady in trying to shield you from her illness over the years until it became too much. And it sounds like you are also trying to put on a brave face by worrying about how she would be feeling, even though she’s no longer with you. But you shouldn’t feel bad about having a wee greet (are you Scottish?) I am and I have plenty of wee greets, believe me. I probably need to have a huge big greet to really let things out but I’m not there yet. I’ve been thinking about bereavement counselling or just picking up the phone to talk to someone about how I’m feeling (I was going to phone Cruse today, but I bottled it). With it being Mum’s birthday, I just couldn’t do it. Maybe one day I will.
Can I just say that you are amazing for dealing with your loss and still going into your work. I’m a stay at home mum (kids have since flown the nest) and to be honest, if I was in employment then I’d probably be signed off right now. I was going to ask if you feel you should be back at work or if you need more time off? It must be really hard for you.
Do you mind me asking if you have any family or close friends to support you right now? You don’t mention this in your post. I have a really good friend who has lost both her parents in recent years and she has been so good to me, just listening when I’ve had tough days.
I hope that reading this makes you realise that you’re not alone and that your pain is understood. If you ever need to chat, please send me a message. Take care.
Love
Bluebelle xx