My amazing mam passed away after just 5 days in hospital, the first night being placed on a ventilator under sedation, on 14th January this year, just 4 weeks ago today. We held an amazing funeral on Friday,
I don’t know how I am feeling right now and it scares me. My head is all over the place,
I was the one who planned the whole funeral, and now I have her flat too clear by the end of the week, I’m really scared where my head will be at next week when everything is done, and over.
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Hello @Kazboro,
I can see that you’re new to the community, so I wanted to say that I am so sorry for the loss of your mum that brings you here. I think a lot of our members will understand your feelings of being scared of what’s to come when the practical side of things is over.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help right now.
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Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
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Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
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Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
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Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Seaneen
Sorry for your loss, it’s very darkest hour of time where everything goes blur and we feel numbness , however we need to stay strong mentally to withstand this heart breaking moment
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Hello Elina.
I know something about suffering and loss, on the 5th January last year my mum passed in my arms at 20:10 hours after a four year battle with dementia that went all the way, it was not a good death, and she was aware of things up to the last second when her heart gave out.
At the end, a dementia death is clinically speaking a crucifixion, it is the same gastly process, I am not going into it clinically hear, its too graphical for this hour, we were alone in the house, it having been my mums wish to pass away at home and I found my self basically responsible for her palliative end of life care including checking on the driven syringe administering the morphine, it was a 24hour/7 day a week job for months on end and Battle of britain pilots got more sleep then I did, I was virtually doing a medical job, on my own mother, with out medical qualifications and relying on purely what I could see and if she was showing signs of pain, NO ONE, should be required to do that, but the world was still struggling with covid, resources were stretched and I was available so I found myself stepping up to the plate.
I have a degree in electronics and am a qualified lab technician, never thought I would be using it in connection with the care of my mum
My mum was off the war time generation ‘carry on’ was her mantra and I felt compelled to fulfill that role and to do my best, no matter how difficult the situation, its what my mum expected and it was what I had to do, but thanks to my endevers she got her wish, and I looked after her much better then she would have had in hospittal ware she would basically have been put in a back room to die, at least she was getting round the clock care, and comfort all the way to the end, and for the last 12 days or so I sat next to her holding her hand day and night, yes, I really did walk with her through the valley of the shadow of death all the way to heavens gates, not many can say that, but I payed a terrible price and was clinically ill with depression, hypertension and ptsd, I am just know getting my health back, Berocca in fruit juice taken with jinger is very good and that is helping me to get better.
My mums doctor took one look at me and put me under the mental health nurse, that is still the case now, there was real concern regarding my sanity afterwards, I suppose your mum passing in your arms on a scale 1-10 is 11.
You do not know how strong you can be until you have no alternative then to be strong, I have had health issues all my life, my doctors are amazed I have come through as well as I have, what does not destroy you makes you stronger.
So, sorry you are hear, but welcome to grief academy,You are greaving know, but believe me, you will find a way through the darkness, a brisk walk in the sun and laughter is probably the best medicine, this boost your serotonin levels that makes you feel better, grief blocks serotonin and is one of the reasons why grief makes us feel so miserable (this is NOT medical advise and I am NOT allowed to give it) the information is merely educational, I have level 3 first aid at work, beyond that I hand on to medics, and if you feel ill while greaving you MUST seek medical advise from your gp.
Grief is a very complex subject, I am developing an interest in the science of grief, there are some 16 versions of grief, and all grief is different, your grief journey, for that is what it is, will be as unique to you as your DNA, but I can promise you two things, the first is you will know when you have reached the end of that journey, you will have an overwhelming sense of peace, peace with in your self, and pease towards those around you, the second is you will be mentally stronger and more resilient, grief places demands on us, it effects every cell in your mind and body, and is the ultimate work out for the mind and the emotions, it is the brain retraining it self to accept a new, and unwanted reality, but it is a process that at some point in our lives most of us will go through and is the price we pay for love.
That is probably enough information for know, let me recommend a book to you by
Jillian Lloyd, the founder of grief cast, ‘You are not alone’ its her own grief journey in her own words.
Please feel free to reach out and talk with out fearing judgement, that is what this site is about, together, we form a grief academy, by sharing our stories, and information, we learn to live with our grief, individual as it is.
Blessings to you, may God give you the strength and courage to rise again.
Tim xx
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Hello Tim007 - I can relate somewhat to your story. I watched my father take his last breath 15 years ago. For a long time afterwards, I could still hear his labored breathing as he struggled through the death process. I tried to comfort him by telling him how wonderful a father he was and how we were going to be okay because of the example he set for us. I told him he could rest now. When you are there until the true end, it’s an experience you’ll never forget, but I can say as someone who lost both parents on the same day, my mom died of a stroke, you will cry less each year and the memories of your time with them will become more joyful than sorrowful. Continue to take life each day at a time.
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Hello Kazboro - I have been there, and it sounds like you are the pillar of your family, as I was for mine. I felt like I couldn’t cry when I lost my mother and father on the same day, because there was so much to do. I couldn’t give into the grieve. Please don’t do what I did. Cry when you feel like crying. Cry as you pack her things, if you feel the tears coming. When I finally did, it was far more cleansing to my mind and soul than holding it all in. I’m so very sorry you’re having to go through this. Take care of yourself as you continue to do what needs to be done.
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Anida, to lose both parents on the same day must have been unbearable, and that must have made life look a very dark place.
I suspect that the passing of your mum was just too much for your dad to take, sometimes grief can be a killer and this is particularly true for the elderly, and it can be as dangerous as pneumonia and I have seen it happen.
I hope you do not feel guilt over there passing, there was nothing you could have done apart for what you say you did, nothing prepares you for that, there is no rehearsal for life and we have to take it as it comes, and sadly, death and grief is part of the process and just as much a part of things as birth and new life.
Like me, you are well experienced in grief, I lost my twin to cancer on the 4th September 2021, my mother-in-law past on the 6th January 2022 to dementia, my family, like so many lately(the pandemic wiped out whole families) has been through a meat grinder, thats life, and thats death, and there is no one left on my side of the family, I have a sis-in-law and a Niece, she is as near as I will ever come to my own daughter.
Thanks for sharing, God bless.
Tim xx
Hello Kazboro.
What I said to Elina applies to you as well and I should have sent it to both of you.
In my case I greaved alone, NO ONE ELSE, really grieved for my mum, popular and loved as she was, she could be the light and soul of a party,and like the late queen, had a smile that could light up a room, she could also kill a man at ten paces, and having witnessed her late majesty berating a guards man, well my mum could be just like that.
There was a special quality about the generation that grew up during the war, they new what was important, and what was not, and seemed to have a sharper awareness of life born out of danger, loss(her cousin died in the middle east on May 22 1941 serving with RAF) hardship, and sacrifice.
I know what you are going through, and for the first week I just stayed in my sleeping bag waiting for the end, I was found and had I not been I would not be hear know.
Feel free to reach out, it is a time for courage, forbearance, fortitude and faith, there is sadly no panacea I can offer you for grief, it is the brain adjusting to an unwanted new reality, and as I have said to Elina, your grief journey is unique to you.
Blessings to you, may God give you the courage and strength to come through your time of turbulence and trial.
Tim xx
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Hi Elina.
Thanks for ‘liking’ my post, I hope it helps you, what have you been doing today?.
Tim x
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Hello @tim007 , it really helps. Just trying to gather my life which has fallen apart in bits and pieces, getting hold of life… endless thoughts…
Hello Elina.
Putting the bits back together is the hardest part and I compare to putting together the bits of a crumpled plywood microlight with superglue, it is a very difficult, messy and tedious process.
The first job is to gather all the bits, the second is to clean them up, number them, then find out ware they go, and you will inevitably find that parts are missing altogether and cannot be replaced.you have to rebuild around it, but it is inevitably NOT the same microlight, just as our lives can never be the same, instead we have to grow around them as flesh grows around the stump left from an amputated arm or leg, and that takes time and perseverance, and while we miss our loved ones forever we gradually get used to it, like a puppy taken from its mother to be sold, reined or not, it greaves for its loss of mother just like we do, but if it gets a loving home it will in time bond to its new owner and come to see them as its family.
But for some of us there is no family, and like so many people in Grange-over-sands I live alone and that is at least half the population, and 30% of house holds are just a single occupant, and it may well be that you are alone for the first time in your life and ask yourself what is the point?.
My advise is to take small steps, set yourself a job to do each day, no matter how small, and THAT will help to motivate you to carry on, join the church, or club, perhaps you play cards or take up bowling, or a meditation/dancing class, or a new hobby altogether, try to get out of the house each day, if only for a walk or a cup of coffee, (I am looking into candle making with a view to developing a business, also starting a cleaning and home care service) I am doing it as much for social interaction as financial reward.
If the sun is shining get out for a brisk walk if you can, that will boost your serotonin levels and make you feel better.
Remember, small steps,try to be kind to yourself, I am still grieving more then a year on, grief is like a playground bully, only worse because you cannot see it, you can put a knife into a playground bully(done it!!) but you cannot put a knife into grief, and you will probably find that out of the blue it will tap you on the shoulder just to say ‘I am still hear, I can make your life hell’.
My advise is try not to give into it, I went through a very dark epesode with depression around mid november, and I had dark thoughts about doing my self in, but I have kept off the antidepressants and I am glad I have in view of the problems some people are having with them, instead I do a setion on my rowing machine in the morning followed by a Berocca tablet dissolved in fruit juice with a spoon full of ginger powder stirred into the mix, THAT, is my antidepressant, I also get out for a short walk in the sun(I have bad knees, they are down to the rivets)
Blessings to you, try to be optimistic 
Tim x
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Thanks @tim007 . That’s true, it’s really tough to get out of dark thoughts but not impossible. Grief and sadness can drag us way down than we can think of. .but we should always keep trying to fight back. Love and grief are like two sides of one coin … …
Hi Elina,
Love and grief ARE the two sides of the same coin, and you have grate wisdom in saying it and you are the first person to say that to me.
Try to keep off the antdepressants if you can, some of my other friends have had problems with them.
I do a session on my rowing machine followed by a berocca tablet dissolved in fruit juice taken with a tea spoon full of ground ginger, and get out in the sun for a walk when it shines, THAT, is the best antidepressant and works well for me, you cannot beat nature.
I have also learnt that positive thinking helps .
Keep your friends close and get out at least once a day if you can, if you drive then go out somewhere in your car and try to arrange to meet up or take a friend with you, the very act of driving will concentrate your mind on other things and in inclement weather its nicer to be riding then walking.
Blessings to you, keep your spirits up and feel free to contact me again when ever you like.
Tim xx
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Hi @tim007 -
Thanks, yeah only way is to staying positive no matter how complex the situation is… It’s very easy to fall into the trap of negative thoughts…but difficult is to think positive but it’s not impossible. Going out, meeting friends , exercising, going on driving, seeing sunrise/ sunset , engaging in Hobbies are plenty of options to divert oneself from negative thoughts… but self belief is what I learnt is above all , back then I blamed myself, others, staying angry on self n others, resentments, but what I learnt lately these all negative things depletes out the peace within us and we don’t want to accept the reality .
Hence, what I learnt is coping with self negative emotions and maintain self peace can make balance between love and grief…
It’s well said " saying is easy than doing" but we realise that this is only option we have, it helps in trying even after multiple failures with the intent to never give up.
Hope u have a great day!!
Hope you have a grate day to Elina, my definition of a grate day is a day when nothing goes wrong, Wednesday was not one of those days, first my satnav went south, then the car refused to start, then a clock job went wrong.
The satnav died, I have a replacement tomtom coming, after 90 minutes struggling to get my hands on some WD40 in the garage(it was on top of my other car now off road in the garage, I had to go round into the back of the garage and push it off with a long stick, a further 60 minutes spent charging the battery and spraying the electrics with WD40, eventually the engine rumbles into life one cylinder firing at a time like a grate ocean liner getting under way. it was hilarius,…(NOT!!)
Then a clock job went wrong, had to go back and bring it back to my workshop.
took the clock back today and it appears to be ok.
Every day has its challenges, on a good day, there are NO challenges, I do not like my new life and I did not want it and neither did you, we are both living alone, and frankly that is not much fun most of the time, but as my mum used to say, that was then, this is now, get on with it.
I am looking after sis-in-laws dog next week while she is away and that will be company at least.
You are right, we must put anger and bitterness aside, that only hurts us, and it is often through being kind to others that takes away the stress, and that is being kind to ourselves as well.
Take little steps each day as I have said, set yourself ONE job for each day and do it, it will give you a sense of accomplishment and purpose, if you want to cry then cry, or sleep, sleep (I often steep during part of the day and can be reading in the early hours,) your grief journey will be a meandering one, sometimes coming back on its self, and never a non complex curve(mathematical term for a straight line) but grief is the process the brain goes through in learning to come to terms with a new and unwanted reality, it effects EVERY cell in your mind and body.
Blessings to you
KBO
Tim xx
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Hello @tim007 
,
Sorry to hear this. But as you said it’s true ,dogs are great companions. I hope your weekend went well. Even for me also the same, there are days I don’t feel like getting up from bed… I feel like when I sleep all tension gone . 
… but yeah then I decided to focus on other things I like, giving more time to things we like is best way to be happy in way or so…
Elina, being recently bereaved sleep is one of the things you need, and the more of that in the early days the better, and is part of the process of recovery, grief is an enormous shock to the system and is a clinical condition and if you feel ill while greaving you MUST see your gp, While ALL forms of grief put a strain on the mind and body (as does the common cold) certain forms of grief for the elderly can be life threatening, and as deadly as pneumonia, I have seen it happen, we have all heard the saying ‘died from a broken heart’ it is actually true.
If you don’t feel like getting up then stay in bed and have a lie in, if you don’t have to and don’t want to then stay in bed and keep warm, do you no harm.
Blessings
Tim xx
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