My mom was diagnosed with cancer in September last year. At first I thought she would be okay, but no one told me that from the beginning it was already too late, that the cancer was very advanced.
I believed she would recover, that with treatment she could beat it and everything would go back to normal. A few days later my dad sent her to another city so she could receive better treatment. When the holidays finally came, I was able to go visit her for Christmas and New Year’s, and I stayed there until January 15.
I hate myself for this, but she kept telling me that she loved me in a very desperate way. It made me uncomfortable at the time because I wanted to hear “I love you” in a calm, loving way. She sounded so sad, like she felt she would never see me again, and it made me anxious.
About a week before I left, she cried and told my siblings and me that she didn’t want us to go, that she felt like she wouldn’t see us again. I told her not to think that way, because we would see each other again during the mid-year holidays. She asked me to look her in the eyes and promise her that. And I did. I promised her we would see each other again.
The day before I returned to my city, she seemed calmer and we talked with her until she felt better. But the next morning, when we had to leave, she cried and fell to her knees begging us not to go. She was already mentally unstable, so we thought she was afraid of being left alone. Even so, we had to go back because my classes were starting soon.
We left her with my older sister and my aunt. One month later, on February 15, she passed away.
The guilt is consuming me. She had the chance to call us to say goodbye, but my aunt said she didn’t want to. She wanted us to keep the happy memory of being together during New Year’s. But my mind is stuck on the promise I made to her and the day we left.
I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I feel like I’m dead while still alive. My body just moves on autopilot. I want her back. I want to tell her “I love you” like she told me, with desperation. I want to hug her and never leave her side again.
