Firstly, I am very sorry for everyone’s losses. I know many people here have lost partners, parents, children and siblings. The loss of a grandparent at the end of a long life isn’t the same as what you’re going through, and I want to recognise that.
My grandmother died 1.5 weeks ago at 96. We were very close, but I live interstate. I tried to get back to see her as often I could but last year I’ve been struggling with chronic pain, a broken bone that wouldn’t heal, a complex infection, a slipped disk in my back, and work-related stress & depression. I felt this year would be it and I was desperate to get better in time to see her again. Unfortunately, it didn’t happen.
Something that I’m struggling with is that my mother told me she knew at least 3 weeks prior that this would be my nan’s last few weeks on earth. But she didn’t tell me anything was wrong until 11pm on one Friday night, when Nan was close to death. I can’t sit down for long periods without strong pain relief atm and packing and carrying luggage is a challenge for me. I started having muscle spasms pretty much the moment I found out, and I was out of the usual medication I’d take for that. Nan died on the Sunday afternoon while I was still just trying to get it together enough to pack and get on the plane.
I know my mum’s mum has just died, but I’m so angry at her. Mum knew about my health situation and that I couldn’t travel at short notice. She knew for 3+ weeks that Nan was dying and she knew how much I loved her. But she didn’t tell me until the 11th hour.
I find myself wondering if Mum didn’t tell me to punish me because she’s angry I don’t tolerate her hurtful comments anymore. 5 weeks before Nan died, Mum told me to ‘get over’ my infertility and then called me ‘a snowflake’ and ‘ungrateful’ when I blew up at her over it. She told me I was selfish and obsessed with my own health, & that I didn’t care about anyone but me.
I’ve seen Mum gatekeep my cousins’ access to Nan to punish my cousins for being estranged from their abusive parents. What if Mum was doing that to me? Or maybe Mum just didn’t think about how I would feel. It wouldn’t be the first time she’s excluded me from family events. Sometimes she does it when she’s angry at me, and other times she just tells me so close to the event it’s too late for me to travel.
I found out Nan was dying in a text that told me not to bother coming back because it wouldn’t matter anyway. Well, it mattered to me. The day before Nan died, she recognised my other sister who got to hold her hand and say I love you one last time. I would have moved heaven and earth to do that. If I had been well, I would have slept by her bedside. She hated being alone, and I could have been a comforting presence even as her mind slipped away. I feel so guilty and I keep going over it in my head thinking about how I should have pushed myself harder to get on a plane when there was still time.
Nan was great with music and on bad dementia days, she could sing you all her favourite songs. There was a song I’d said I’d sing her when the time was near, which she loved. It’s Vera Lynn’s ‘See You Again.’
I understand that many people are not so close to their grandparents, but Nan and my late grandfather were like the foundation of my world. I will miss her more than I can say, but I’m not complaining she’s died. I know she didn’t have quality of life and she wanted to be with her husband. I’m sorry for me that she’s died, but I’m happy for her.
I’m just struggling with the fact that I could have seen her one last time and been there for her if I had just been told what was going on. I was a good grand-daughter and my mother saw that to the point of complaining how much time I spent with Nan. Didn’t I deserve to know?
The only reason I don’t actually hate my mother right now is that the last words Nan heard was Mum saying ‘I love you, Mum.’