My mother is 89 and dying. It might be a while before she’s gone but I seem to have started some sort of pre-emptive grieving. We aren’t close, I didn’t think I’d feel this way during her dying processes. I’m all over the place with my emotions, glad and sad and confused and relieved and heartbroken and guilty, angry and overwhelmed. I’ve tried many times to have conversations with her about our very strained relationship but I’m always rejected. Now there’s not much time, and she’s being quite demanding but still won’t acknowledge what to me is an elephant in the room - she wasn’t particularly abusive but she was negligent, very strict, very controlling and never affectionate or kind. A big believer in spanking, shouting, humiliating. I’d like to put the past behind me but despite years of therapy, I remain uncomfortable and anxious in her presence. Guilt comes froM not being able to find compassion and empathy for her. For a long time I’ve been ok with not seeing much of her because I can rationalise it - why would I spend time with someone who is not good for me to be around? But now I’m losing her and my emotions are overwhelming me.
SarahC2, I lost my Mum (almost 94) with whom I lived with me whole life. We were very close. Mum died from a cardiac arrest. I wasn’t there. Despite her age, she was assessed as medically fit for discharge and I was getting preparations ready for her to come home on the day that she died, so I wasn’t there. It was a shock. I didn’t really get to say things that I would have - tell her how much I loved her. I would strongly advise that whatever happened in the past for you, hurts but cannot be undone. You have the present. Don’t let the moment slip. You are with your Mum, which shows that despite the pain from the past, there is love. Your Mum probably also has emotions that for whatever reason she cannot express. Work with the present - tell her how you feel and tell her (if you can find the place in your heart) that you forgive her and love her as she is your Mum. Even if she does not acknowledge it, she will hear it. You don’t want to regret not saying what you need to while you can. Thinking of you.
Hi Sarah, I agree with Sparrow these sort of relationships can be very difficult but if you are present it leaves the door open to a moment of reconciliation and even if that doesn’t happen or doesn’t happen verbally as sometimes just a squeeze of a hand in the moment of death can mean a lot. You will have done everything you could and later that will bring you peace of mind because one can spend years beating oneself up for not doing something.
Wishing you all the strength you will need
Tom
Thanks for your kind words… I appreciate them very much.
Thank you so much for responding, it feels quite lonely going through this. I don’t live in the same town as mother, I’m 3.5 hours away but I did spend some time last week with her and helped her try to understand what’s wrong with her (I have a medical background) but my sister is also close to her passing (with advanced MS) and I wanted to see her too. Almost as soon as I’m in my mothers presence I feel my barrier go up and I feel myself going into shut down protective mode. I’m water I’m doing it, I do my best to work through it and to be kind and compassionate but I’m never comfortable in her presence. I am there to help, in any way I can but it’s oh so uncomfortable! In some ways it also feels like I’m grieving a mother and a relationship with a mother I never had, and it’s more poignant now because time is running out. I really feel like I’m doing my best but also that my best isn’t good enough
Thanks for your response - it’s helpful. I think the most difficult thing about my relationship with mother stems from when I found out I was pregnant and single. My mother wanted nothing to do with me, called me all sorts of horrible names and said she didn’t want a “half caste grandchild” (my sons father is Afro-Caribbean) she later embraced my son and now he’s an adult they have quite a good relationship, not warm, but my son takes a firm hand with her and won’t tolerate her when she’s out of hand. Mother has never ever apologised for calling my son that name, (my son knows nothing of this and never will if I can help it) and when it’s been approached in the past she denies it all. She is the most excellent denier of facts that don’t fit her narrative. So, I will do what I can for her, on the practical levels, organise home care, order shopping, take care of her garden when I visit but I cannot hug her without recoil. The recoils happens without any intention from me, it’s a reflexive response. It’s the best I have. I feel sometimes like it’s not enough but it’s all I have, and it’s more than what I had from her.
Dear Sarah, your mother may deny things to you or others but she knows what she has done and she may repent as death has a habit of shining a light on our lives and our soul. I think you are doing the right thing by being there for her. It must be difficult for you and maybe for her too but trying to forgive her we ultimately free you.
I hope the outcome is the best possible
Wishing you strength
All the best
Tom
Brandon1, You have put that across very well. Death can bring lots of emotions, including guilt and anger. It is hard for you. I imagine that you might be grieving what you feel you did not have in the relationship. By making peace now, it will ultimately make the emotions less painful later for you.
Thanks to both of you for your clarity and understanding, it has really helped. I think for me, making peace with the situation means accepting my mother as she is, that just as I’ve done all I can, she has too. She had a very difficult mother of her own, and she parented us the way she’d been parented. It doesn’t make me like her any more to know and understand this, but it does make sense. I consciously tried very hard to parent differently. Acceptance also means that I can stop berating myself for not doing more, I am doing everything I can, it may not be much but it is all I have.