My Mother Mary

Coping with bereavement
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I lost my beautiful mother Mary 8 weeks ago and getting used to living alone isn’t easy , I feel embarrassed to read others who lost their mums at much younger ages than me , I’m 61 and had my mother up until now , she was 96 and a lovely wonderful mother but sadly dementia destroyed her the last five years and I’m glad she isn’t suffering anymore but I miss her so , seeing someone every day almost for 61 years and talking with them then suddenly their gone is heartbreaking.
Yes I know mum was very old even without dementia her eyes and ears were going her legs and balance were gone she was such an active woman to be left bedridden was awful .
Years ago I promised mum I would never put her in a home and I kept this promise but it meant seeing suffering no son should see but even to the last when she didn’t know where she was she still knew my name and she shouted me in the morning when she woke .
Bereavement is terrible the guilt , memories come back of times I may have argued with mum or said unkind things I’ve suffered with depression all my life and at time s I wasn’t a nice person just verbally nothing. More now I feel so much guilt what do I do how do I change this thinking , I was a good son after dad died 26 years ago I did everything for mum including shopping finances household stuff but all my brain wants to remember is the few times I wasn’t nice even though I always said sorry to mum and she would say that’s alright son don’t do it again , how can I live on without this woman who was my whole life , I’m told it will get easier I hope so . I just want to hear her voice again how man times I thought I could have made phone videos of mum talking and laughing but I never did .
I know it’s all silly and I’m just an old fool but I miss her so much .

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Hello @Gordo,

I’m so sorry to hear about your mother. Thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing a little about Mary and your life together. I really hope that the community can be a support to you - you are not alone. Everyone here has experienced the loss of a loved one and will understand some of what you are going through.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help you right now.

Take care - keep reaching out,

Seaneen

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I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad in 2001 and I lost my mum in May this year. She was 90 and she was called Mary too. I am an only child and my mum meant everything to me. She had to go into a home for the last 12 months of her life, as she had cancer, then stroke, then heart failure, then seizures. She begged me not to put her in a home, but I had no choice. I simply couldn’t go on looking after her, it was wearing me out. She became bedridden and it was horrible to see her like that. She kept saying she wanted to die. I know she didn’t really, but she was so fed up with life. I have a lot of guilt still over her being in the home. I know that when she passed I was there at 4am with her. I hoped she knew I was there. I’ve done everything for her. I’ve been the best daughter in the world. But it breaks my heart now. I am managing to struggle on, day by day. I keep myself busy with work. I read books before bed about grief, and I have seen a few signs of feathers, etc. Do you journal? I’ve read that it helps to write down as if you have writing a letter to her, telling her everything. I talk to my mum out loud. I am sure they hear us. I have also watched a lot of videos on Youtube about the afterlife, and although I’m not sure about ‘mediums’ there are some good Youtube videos that explain what gives me a little comfort. Take each day at a time. It’s a tough ride. xxxx

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I’m sorry for your loss and I didn’t mean to demean others who had to put their parents in homes I thought about that too but I had made this throwaway promise one night when watching television when mum was well she saw a programme about a bad home where elderly residents were being mistreated and it frightened her so she asked me and I promised her and I had to keep that promise cause it wasn’t just any promise it was to my beloved mother .
I suffer I’ll health all my life and it wasn’t easy but mum and me had council carers four times a day and they were wonderful. You will see your parents again I believe that as a Christian , my brother is a very strong bible Christian and he believes this and so do I but it won’t be in heaven it will be in a new world after Armageddon , I know it sounds strange and against science but the resurrection will come our parents are only sleeping just now and when the new world comes your parents will be young and perfect and you will run up and embrace them .
He who believes in me shall never die , said Jesus .
It tells us in the bible to stay away from the likes of mediums and other. Evil . Thank you

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It doesn’t matter how old they are or how much time you get with a loved one it’s never enough you want them with you forever. Sending love

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Yes your right my mum was 96 I’m 61 for goodness sake and crying like a baby I’m glad she isn’t suffering anymore but yes I still want her back , I’ve been an unmarried childless bachelor all my days my mum was my whole life I’ve got brothers nieces nephews but it’s not the same , I wish I was back at primary school when everyone was alive but now my dads family are all gone and out of six of mums only tow brothers and a sister are left and two of them have dementia too I fear I may get it myself I thought dementia was just memory loss but nobody told me of the hallucinations the crying the shouting the asking me to kill her and the constant I want to go home to mum and dad . It seems only yesterday we were all together at home happy but of course that’s just a trick the brain plays on you. Life eh ?

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