My mum died 13 weeks ago, I'm just not coping.

Losing a parent
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Hi, my name is Tom, I’ve been trying to write this post for a few months now. I start, then delete, the words wont come or there are to many in my head.

I lost my beautiful mum on the 8th of August and it feels like that day a nuclear bomb went off in my life and nothing is left. I’m 44, and my mum had just crlebrated her 90th birthday in may.

Mum lived a full and fantastic life. She fell ill at 75 and I gave up my postgraduate education up to come home and look after mum loving 3 doors away. He death was sudden and while she had declined a bit she was still quite independent with me around.

She was my life, she was everything to me. I loved my mother with all my heart, we were a single parent family, and very close. I would have done anything for my mum ( if I could have given her my years so she coukd still be here I would have.

I’m proud I was able to look after mum and help her stay at home and end her days in the comfort of her own environment. But Im just lost without her, my life has no meaning anymore.

I haven’t really been able to eat much, I’ve lost over 5 stone since she died (I was a big chap) so still in a healthy weight range now, but I have no appitite and im still losing weight.

My partner was very emotionally abusive during the time that mum died and the week after. I feel between losing mum and dealing with the trauma of ending my relationship as my mum made me promise if he became emotionally abusive again I would leave.

I kept my promise to her and left him 8 days after mum passed. I feel completely alone now. I’ve been shown kindness by good friends and work colleagues, but comming to terms with the fact there is no one in the world that loves my unconditionally anymore is so hard to bare.

I’ve tried hard to do what mum would want me to do. I went back to work and tried to get a routine going again, but my grief feels to be getting worse not better, maybe it’s because the shock has worn off and im not numb any more.

This just all feels to much for me, im missing my mum so much, I just want to see her face and give her a big old hug and feel hwr arms around me. I was always giving her a massive hug and kiss , I knew time wasn’t on our side, so the hugs and kisses were always plentiful.

I knew it would be hard when the time came to part, we talked about about it a number of times, but nothing can prepair you for the way you will be when that bell has been rung and that day finally arrives.

Mum died from sudden heart failure. The coroner told me it would have been so quick she would not have known about it, a light switch moment. So no pain for her, which I am grateful for, as thats how mum would have wanted it. But I always wanted to be with her when the time came, I feel I let her down by not being there.

It feels like this pain is all there will ever be left. I’m.m lost without her. I feel I dont make sense in the world anymore without mum here beside me.

I feel selfish writing all of this as there are so many younger people who die leaving young families and compared to that devastatingly crule kind of loss I don’t feel I have the right to complain about my loss.

I just want to hope that one day the world will make some kind of sense again and this darkness will lift, even if only a little bit. Reading some of the posts here have really helped in jard moments.

5 Likes
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I am so very, very sorry you lost your precious momma. Of course, you hit the nail on the head. The loss of unconditional love is devastating and when your parent(s) is/are gone, you feel like an orphan - no matter how old you are.

I am not sorry that you parted with your abusive partner. Good for you. Don’t let him come back. If they aren’t adding joy, they must go.

You will always miss your mom. Always. You will think of her everyday for the rest of your life, but it won’t hurt so much. You will be able to smile, laugh and yes, love again. For now, you are just coming out of the numbness, so it will be a while.

Sometimes, we aren’t there when our loved ones die and they do so alone. Do not feel guilt over this, people have a way of going when no one is around - especially their children. No parent wants their child to watch them die.

You are going to be okay. I promise. In 18 months you will have a different outlook on life and be in a better emotional state. In the meantime, be good to yourself and cry your eyes out until there are no more tears. You won’t cry forever, you will stop.

Much love.

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Everyone has a right to feel pain about their loss, regardless of their age or the age of the person they lost.
It sounds like your mother was a wonderful woman; you were lucky to have each other I’m sure.
It’s certainly a positive thing that you broke up with your partner but this may come with its own sense of grief.
Sending support and best wishes. I lost my mum this year too, I was very close to her and it hurts so much. We share a bond with our mothers that can’t be found anywhere else.

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Hi Tom,
I feel the same as you having lost my mum in late July. It’s so hard to carry on as all the colour has gone from the world.

You are so incredibly strong to get out of a bad relationship so soon after your mum passing. I’m sure she’s looking down on you feeling so proud of her boy.

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Dear Tom
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss and struggle. Like you my mum was everything to me and she died aged 90 which as we know (but does not lesion the pain) is a good age. I lived with my mum all my life and being gay she only ever wanted me to be happy. Never made any judgement other than she thought I might be lonely. I m glad to say in my late 40s i did meet a man i went on to marry. He is supportive but 5 years on from my mums death he does not really understand the adverse effect it has impacted on me and instead points out that he felt my mum overly controlled me and held me back . His had an overseas text/chat relationship that almost destroyed me. He says its just friendship and blames me for withdrawal . My mum was fiercely independent and strong yet I’m terrified about being on my own, and having taken early retirement and moved to cater to my husbands wishes feel isolated and lonely. All the things I thought I would do in retirement just seem impossible without the anchor of my mum. I just sit at home thinking about how much happier and stronger i felt within myself when she was alive and what a safe haven home was. I fully approve of you getting out of an abusive relationship . I m glad to say my husband is generally very loving and kind . If you ever need to chat or message please feel free. I feel generally men don t truely understand or fixate too much on loss, as a X Social Worker I dealt with this aspect most of a 25 year career, I thought I had a handle on how to cope but I found all my demons and self doubt imploded on my mums death and 5 years on its still very tough