Hi, my name is Tom, I’ve been trying to write this post for a few months now. I start, then delete, the words wont come or there are to many in my head.
I lost my beautiful mum on the 8th of August and it feels like that day a nuclear bomb went off in my life and nothing is left. I’m 44, and my mum had just crlebrated her 90th birthday in may.
Mum lived a full and fantastic life. She fell ill at 75 and I gave up my postgraduate education up to come home and look after mum loving 3 doors away. He death was sudden and while she had declined a bit she was still quite independent with me around.
She was my life, she was everything to me. I loved my mother with all my heart, we were a single parent family, and very close. I would have done anything for my mum ( if I could have given her my years so she coukd still be here I would have.
I’m proud I was able to look after mum and help her stay at home and end her days in the comfort of her own environment. But Im just lost without her, my life has no meaning anymore.
I haven’t really been able to eat much, I’ve lost over 5 stone since she died (I was a big chap) so still in a healthy weight range now, but I have no appitite and im still losing weight.
My partner was very emotionally abusive during the time that mum died and the week after. I feel between losing mum and dealing with the trauma of ending my relationship as my mum made me promise if he became emotionally abusive again I would leave.
I kept my promise to her and left him 8 days after mum passed. I feel completely alone now. I’ve been shown kindness by good friends and work colleagues, but comming to terms with the fact there is no one in the world that loves my unconditionally anymore is so hard to bare.
I’ve tried hard to do what mum would want me to do. I went back to work and tried to get a routine going again, but my grief feels to be getting worse not better, maybe it’s because the shock has worn off and im not numb any more.
This just all feels to much for me, im missing my mum so much, I just want to see her face and give her a big old hug and feel hwr arms around me. I was always giving her a massive hug and kiss , I knew time wasn’t on our side, so the hugs and kisses were always plentiful.
I knew it would be hard when the time came to part, we talked about about it a number of times, but nothing can prepair you for the way you will be when that bell has been rung and that day finally arrives.
Mum died from sudden heart failure. The coroner told me it would have been so quick she would not have known about it, a light switch moment. So no pain for her, which I am grateful for, as thats how mum would have wanted it. But I always wanted to be with her when the time came, I feel I let her down by not being there.
It feels like this pain is all there will ever be left. I’m.m lost without her. I feel I dont make sense in the world anymore without mum here beside me.
I feel selfish writing all of this as there are so many younger people who die leaving young families and compared to that devastatingly crule kind of loss I don’t feel I have the right to complain about my loss.
I just want to hope that one day the world will make some kind of sense again and this darkness will lift, even if only a little bit. Reading some of the posts here have really helped in jard moments.