My mum passed away 3 and a half weeks ago. She was diagnosed with multiple myeloma in May 2023. She passed away relatively unexpectedly – she contracted covid which eventually developed into pneumonia. The last week of her life was agonising, I find it difficult to think about.
I am 31, I have no siblings so it is just me and my dad now although I do have the support of my husband. I am the first of my peers to have lost a parent.
Has anyone had experience returning to work in which their job is related to the death of their loved one? I work in the haematology lab and blood bank in one of the hospital where she received treatment. While I don’t work face-to-face with patients, I come across haematological malignancies including myeloma near enough every day. I would see some of the haematology consultants that looked after her on a near daily basis. Close to the end, my mum was receiving multiple transfusions a week.
I am meant to be returning to work this week after getting a sick line off my GP. Unfortunately, work would be the complete opposite of a distraction for me. In the few weeks before she died I think I was in denial about the severity of her condition and work felt like a practical way for me to help patients like her; it was the closest I felt to actually being able to help her. I just don’t know how my relationship with work will change now; there will be so many reminders of the thing that killed her. I also feel like going back to work is like I am resolving to move on, whereas my mum doesn’t get to move on. She knew she was dying and she was scared. Why do I get to move on and she doesn’t?
I was thinking I might try and ask my GP for another 2 weeks off work. I have booked 2 weeks leave in October so at least I would have another break to get me through the first few weeks of being back. I know I have to go back eventually and I can’t just kick the can down the road but I was just wondering if anyone else here has been in a similar position regarding the nature of their job?
I am so sorry for your loss and your circumstances
First, let me say a heartfelt thank you to you for the work that you do. My husband had Myeloma and like your Mum he died with it, rather than of it, as is the way with many Myeloma patients. The work of labs like yours is so essential to many patient’s journeys. We relied on those 3 weekly results. Your Mum must have been very proud of you.
It is really early, particularly with the added circumstances, so I would ask your GP for more time.
Have you been in to visit? To let some of the initial emotion flow, without the pressure of actually working and to talk to colleagues to explain how you will feel and that you will need support. There isn’t going to be a point at which it will be easy, however long you wait, and it’s good that you recognise that.
I am not in your type of situation but my own has some elements that make me have particular sympathy for you. My husband and I ran a small business together. After his diagnosis we reduced it down to just the two of us, re-modelled it and moved it to home. But he was the technical expert, the figurehead. After he died I have continued the business as far as I can. It was our baby I couldn’t lose it too, not so soon. But it is so hard, he is wrapped up in everything to do with it and I’m even trying to do some of his job too. I veer between trying to do him proud, “talking” to him about it, and dissolving in tears. Grief is a rollercoaster and it is not a linear process. I guess your return to work will have elements of many different emotions too. You will manage to get through it, if you get support. Best wishes to you.
My dad had non Hodgkin lymphoma, he passed away 2 yrs ago. I’m a community nurse and care for palliative patients all the time and before he passed he was cared for by my colleagues and died at his home with me by his side.
It is hard at times however I feel I am helping people get their wish to die in their own home with our support just as my dad wished.
For you this is very raw and I think you should take all the time you need, don’t think of others right now it’s about you!
When u do feel able to return to work remember how important the work is you do and hopefully that will give you some comfort and purpose, plus your colleagues will support you. But don’t rush if you need longer take it and be kind to yourself x thinking of you, you are not alone and I will try and respond whenever I can
My sincere condolences to you. I can relate to the work element here.
Slightly different but I am a coroners officer and deal with death all the time!! I lost my Dad in July and have been off since then, only now going to start a phased return next week…… I have been terrified to deal with my work but there will be a phased return to gently get me back and see how o go.
I think take your time and get as much support as possible and see if they have any other options for you in the interim? Not sure how supportive they are to you but see how it goes.
I wish you good luck with it, that’s very hard for you.
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