she has been seriously ill for 10 years and as a result has self medicated for the past 5 years, saying that she knows her body better than any doctor. She has beat MRSA, C-Diff, numerous strokes and heart attack’s, a below knee amputation and was given days to live a week ago.
She is on oxycodone and midazolam but they don’t seem to be making her comfortable at all, after all the years we have spent going to hospital each nite after work and living on the edge of our nerves and her terrified all time the least i hoped was that when the time came we could make her comfortable but she is begging for steroids and more meds constantly, but she is having the maximum dose of everything she is on, nothing works for her and she is now telling us that she hates us for letting her suffer and will never forgive us, my life has been on hold for 10 years but she told me today that i have let her down at every turn, i wish i could take her place, i’ve had enuff of this life but she obviously hasn’t, i dont know what to do anymore. i love her with all my heart and she hates me .
my mother survived C diff, two strokes ten years before that, died at 93. I was her caregiver. there were times of some bitterness between us too. but we loved one another very much.
this is such a HARD time and we are human beings so it is not unusual that anger and sadness and bitterness are revealed.
she does not want to die and you really do not either and you do not want her to die … yet it may come. naturally, everyone is upset.
but do not let the anger take over on your end. because you will regret if one day she is gone. or at least, leave the room. that is my advice after experiencing this.
I am so very sorry to read what you’ve been going through. I’m conscious that you wrote this on Friday - how are you today?
The end of life is a hugely distressing time and not something that’s easily prepared for. It can be quite common for there to be such feelings of anger and for the person to lash out at the people closest to them - in this case, you. It sounds like you’ve taken such loving care of your mum and been there for her throughout everything she’s faced. As berit says, ‘it’s natural for everyone to be upset’, and we all have different ways of showing how we feel.
If your feelings become overwhelming and you start to think that you’ve had enough of life, please do speak to someone. The Samaritans can be contacted 24/7 on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org. Alternatively, get in touch with your GP and request an emergency appointment. You deserve care and support so please do seek help if you feel unable to cope.
We’re here to support you so keep in touch if you feel able. And take care of yourself.
Oh Milly Moo, my heart goes out to you it really does.
My mum is on the same medication and is also near the end. She was given 6 weeks to live, 6 weeks after my dad died but is still here one year on
It is the hardest experience ever. I get it. I put my life on hold too and the toll of it is unbearable.
Your mum is only saying things due to frustration and panic. You can look yourself in the mirror knowing you did your absolute best. My mum keeps saying don’t remember the last bit. I know I will but she is right. This isn’t your mum speaking at the end. Your mum is the lady you have known all your life and you have been there for her at the end when so many people would have run the other way.
Well done you and please please please take care of yourself. Your real mum would want that. I am sure.
In my heart I know that you are right and this wasn’t my mum, i hoped for a glimpse of the Mum I knew before the end but her last words were pleas for steroids before she slipped into unconsciousness and then left us completely on Sunday night.
Even though I knew that her time was near I feel completely shocked and overwhelmed by the pain I feel. I realised today that the only memories that I have of her in these last 5-6 years are of her afraid and depressed, sick and desperate for some hope or relief, I can only hope that she has that now.
When the time comes for your Mum to leave you and go home to your Dad, I pray that the end of her journey bring you both peace.
For you to say kind words to me at a time like this for you proves what sort of person you are. This is the person who has done your absolute best for such an unbearably long time for your mum.
Your mum is at peace now. That level of suffering was no life and it was her time to move on.
My mum has a saying. Do your best, angels can do no more. That is what you have done. It was out of your control. In time I hope these memories fade for you and the ones of your real mum start to give you comfort and strength. I know from my experience with my dad that he hasn’t totally left me. I feel like I carry his love in my heart if that makes any sense.
I’m so scared of the time, probably soon, when I will no doubt share the feelings you are having now but if I can bring you support from an outside perspective of someone who really understands, I hope we can comfort each other.
Take little tiny steps to get through each day. I think it’s the only way.
Hi Ann
I’m so sorry that your Mum left you, i have wanted to message you a few times but could not find the words. Am still struggling now if i am honest, i keep telling myself that the hardest part is over but i don’t really think it ever will be. i am overwhelmed with feelings of such guilt and sadness that i don’t see how i can ever recover. It’s like the world has no colour anymore. Has your initial numbness faded yet? I hope your Mum left peacefully and was comfortable and unafraid xxx
I’m still not taking it in I think. Unfortunately my mum suffered in the end too. The very last few hours were peaceful but she had a couple of days of hell before. She was screaming out for help too.
This may not help you but I strangely felt proud of my mum that she was so strong and fighting to the end. She was literally trapped between 2 places. She wanted to go and she wanted to stay with me too. I don’t know if that makes sense.
It isn’t the last memories that are haunting me at the moment as much as the good times. I daren’t even think about all the amazing ways she was an amazing mum yet as that is the bit that hurts me even more.
The last horrid memories make me realise I wouldn’t want her here suffering any longer, however hard it was to say goodbye.
Anyway, I am always here if you need to talk to someone who understands. I think grief is just a long road of ups and down. One day I cope, the next I sob but maybe we can help each other along the way.